Are there "normal" families at these top schools?

[Anonymous]

Recently there have been a number of posts on families “fitting in” at the area’s top private schools, and although it is not something I had thought about before, these posts have made me concerned that my family is not wealthy enough nor connected enough for these schools. Although, of course, in an ideal world this would be irrelevant, I think the practical reality is that it does matter. We are applying this year for pre-k for my son, and I would like to choose a school where he will stay for a number of years, and I did not want to end up at a school where we are the poor people and thus have trouble keeping up. DH and I are both lawyers (one big firm, one government) and while we are comfortable and feel we can afford private school for both of our kids, we don’t belong to a country club (probably never will) and we live in a modest home in a modest neighborhood. We both come from families with relatively modest means, and don’t travel in any fancy social circles. I don’t want my children to feel left out when they don’t have the fanciest of things or don’t go on lavish vacations, etc.
Are there families like ours at these schools? I’m curious about the top ones (Sidwell, St. Albans, etc) and, perhaps more importantly, the “second tier” VA ones like Burgundy, Browne Academy, and St. Stephens, since we will likely focus on those. (I know the chances of getting in are slim to begin with, I just want to have as much info as possible as we start this process.) Thanks.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine has a son at St. Albans and she is quite normal -- lives modestly, doesn't travel in fancy social circles or go on lavish vacations.

[Anonymous]

My family fits your definition of normal and we are at Beauvoir. Our income is probably less than your's (govt. lawyer and teacher). My kids fit in fine. My DH and I fit in fine. We are African American. I think all of this talk about not fitting in and feeling excluded have a lot to do with how comfortable you are with what you have. There are plenty of people at the school with way more money than us that I am sure belong to country clubs and go on fancy vacations. Happy for them, but am also content with who we are. I teach my kids that there will always be people less fortunate than we are and there will always be people who have more than us. My kids do playdates frequently and we have formed bonds with people outside of our socio-economic class. There are plenty of other families like us at the school.

I am not minimizing the poster from the other thread who feels excluded. I am sure that there are people at my kids' school who feel I am not worthy, but I think I would have to feel a little bit of that internally before I would come to that conclusion or to allow it to bother me. If I am at a function and someone does not speak to me or smile at me or initiate a conversation with me, then I smile or intiate. Very few people can ignore you if you are the initiator. If I get the vibe that they are not interested in a conversation then I assume that they have something else on their mind, etc. I would not get caught up in whether or not they were attempting to exclude me or not warm up to me.

As we all are running into the school in the morning dropping off kids and pretty much frazzled, it is very easy to not speak to people. I am guilty of it myself sometimes, because I am trying to get in and out. If someone catches me on a particularly bad morning and they speak to me and I don't respond, then the assumption is made that I am a snob and then up goes a post on DCUM about snobbbish Beauvoir mothers. I try to remember this when I don't get the warm fuzzies from people all the time. There just might be something else going on besides them thinking I am not good enough. Or maybe I am naive. Although I don't think that is it. I am just not focused on or concerned about people accepting me to make me feel good.

[Anonymous]

PP summed is up perfectly, regardless of institution.

[Anonymous]

I am normal...I think.

My son is at one of the top schools. There are very wealthy families there, but I feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Yes. As my mother always said, "J----, people aren't thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves."

I try to remind myself of this when dropping off and picking up...

[Anonymous]

PS, some really wealthy families are also normal too, actually...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS, some really wealthy families are also normal too, actually...

Few and far between unfortunately.

We are new this year to a school (not one of the top 3, a bit quieter and more neighborhood with a big 3 price tag) and for the first week, I felt like a reject. But you know what, now I don't care. At first I felt as if we were being sized up constantly. We do not have their money (and are probably poor by their standards), we do not belong to a country club and shock, horror, I work! But you know what, I'm happy. I have an amazing husband who adores me and our child. We spend every non-working minute together as a family and after 8 plus years of marriage, I think we love each other more today than ever before. So, every time I feel like a reject, I think...no....I know, that I have more wealth of love than any of these people and they should envy my life. As long as my child is happy, that's all I care about. To heck with the vanity and self adoring.

I am sure there and a few normal families at my school and I do hope to find them.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that was your experience. I'm not rich (it feels very weird, I must say, to have to defend myself by putting in that disclaimer), but I did say some rich families ARE normal.

I am only saying that there are, especially on this board, people with incredible bias against people who have ever accumulated wealth. In my school, I can say without a doubt that the niciest niciest family is also one of the richest. Always generous, always trying to make people feel comfortable, always genuinely kind. Maybe it's precisely because there is really no one they need to impress. I think the ones that do all the sizing up are the insecure ones.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, there is a big difference between "new money" and "old money." I have nannied for some of the nicest and wealthiest people out there and they don't flaunt it or even care about your financial situation. On the other hand, I steer clear of new money b/c they are always interested in where you went to school, who you know, where you belong, etc. How tiring! So I can second the PP who says that some rich people are normal based on the way they act. Chances are, they haven't recently come into their fortune.

[Anonymous]

I agree, insecurity and snobbiness is insecurity, not the function of wealth. We are fortunate to be wealthy. We DO NOT flaunt it, we are kind and inclusive, and I could give a crap about what kind of car someone drives or clothes they wear. Now, if I am being honest, on the outside, I suppose someone would surmise we don't struggle (but oh how things can change for all of us). I do like reasonably nice clothes, we drive newer cars and live in a nice home. But we also teach our children strong values, they have chores, we value hard work, we do not spoil (try not to), and absolutely insist on kindness. We talk a lot about not judging by external things. So, we are far from perfect, we are wealthy, but I would say we are pretty normal and we are equally fortunate to have a number of good, genuine friends. I don't care to hang out with people who are so into the material/external no matter if they are wealthy or not (and it does cross demographics). Good values are not unique among people who happen to be doing well financially.

[Anonymous]

In response to the original question, yes there are lots of "normal" people at these schools. "Normal" is not a question of household income, at least for me. People can be kind, interesting, unpretentious, friendly, and have many interests in common with you, regardless of income. We are a Burgundy family, have a HHI of less than $120K, and have many friends at the school. The income the OP hints at would qualify as "rich" to our family, yet I will not hold that against OP ... would still welcome the opportunity to know OP on the basis of who s/he is rather than how much s/he earns. I don't think I am alone in thinking of it in that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think all of this talk about not fitting in and feeling excluded have a lot to do with how comfortable you are with what you have. ....... I am just not focused on or concerned about people accepting me to make me feel good.

Bingo. We're parents at one of the "top three" schools and my advice to new applicants is to not get caught up in all the paranoia and soul-searching that sometimes surrounds this subject. Someone on another thread was obsessing and conspiracy theorizing about how schools were evalutaing her "social status" and what, really, can you say in that case? (Other than get over yourself.)

The fact is for some (but not many) parents at these schools, the circa $25K annual tuition, per kid, is a rounding error in their mad money slush fund -- it means absolutely nothing. For many, many, many other parents, the tuition is, by far, the biggest expense they face and a constant source of numbers crunching and anxiety. Still others receive financial aid, maybe lots of it, and they're balancing it in their way. It's all over the map -- and some people's circumstances change, for better or worse, and more than once.

[Anonymous]

We are "rich" and I sometimes feel like I don't fit in - like I am in junior high, all over again. Just because I drive an expensive car and live in a high profile zipcode - it's still hard to meet people and make friends.

[Anonymous]

There are a few schools that are academically rigorous but are almost completely lacking in parent competitiveness.

At WES, we're rarely asked what we do for a living. We're there for the kids, and that's the focus. If you happen to make a nice professional contact, it's because you got to know the person first as a human. At a school function, I introduced my husband to a nice parent that I had met named John and we all chatted for a while. As we walked away, my husband said, you do know that that was the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, right? Well, no, I hadn't recognized him. And I LOVE that I didn't even know that he sends his kids there.