The narcissistic boss

[Anonymous]

My boss is driving me crazy and worse, driving other staff crazy as well. I think I have to leave but that's not easy. I am #2 in a small, niche organization and I love it. Boss, i think, is either incredibly narcissistic or has dementia and I can't tell which.

He can't make a decision.
He reverses himself constantly.
He can only focus on one thing at a time, if that.
He doesn't know what anybody in the office is doing. This is very odd b/c I know everything everybody is doing plus I've given him, in the last month 4 memos on what I am doing and a timeline for their completion as well as some strategic planning concepts that will take shape later.

Next week, for him, is very light so he wants all of us to focus on strategic planning for next year and he just announced it today. My week is packed with that (strategic planning with key members). It's weird that he gets all pissy when I"m not available at his whim.

I think I"m particularly frustrated b/c new staff are asking me how to deal with him and I'm starting to think it is just not possible and that he's seriously got memory problems. He's also been lying the last few months and I've not noticed that before. "no I didn't say X'' when he clearly did, in front of 2 or more staff. That happened yesterday and 2 weeks earlier.

Thanks for reading this vent. If anybody has a boss like this or has had one, how do you deal. I will start looking next month but I really like this organization and job but this guy is crazy-making for me and the office and I"m not sure how to deal with it. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

It's weird that he gets all pissy when I"m not available at his whim.

Um, he's the boss. I deal with this by explaining my obligations and letting the boss decide what my priority should be. If this is a non-profit he's likely got a Board of Directors or something like that preoccupying him which would explain the absent mindedness. The lying I can't help with. If it truly intentional and not forgetfulness, I would get out of there.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my former boss. Things will not improve, this is his personality. Get out while you can. Life is too short!

[Anonymous]

None of that sounds like narcissism. Narcissists are liars, but nothing else you described seems to fit.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my current boss, except for the forgetfulness and lying. No suggestions, sadly. My way of dealing is to train myself not to mind the boss's extreme inefficiency, but it's easier for me because I am not the #2, just another staff member, so I don't have to deal with the boss directly on every single thing.

[Anonymous]

I wish you all had advice. This is the OP. Yesterday one staffer discussed an outright lie that was witnessed by another staffer.

Separately another staffer spoke tome about his inability to focus and his general scattered-ness.

Re: my availability. We've worked together for so long that I always know when what I"m doing is more important. I am just confused why he assumes that because he's not busy, the rest of us aren't too.

I agree with all of you that I need to leave. Staying is just so easy...

[Anonymous]

I used to work for someone who had narcissistic behavior patterns where she was constantly competing with people and putting them down - usually lower-level staff people who weren't in a position to respond, exaggerating, misrepresenting herself, and lying. Unless you're leaving out some details, your boss doesn't seem all that narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Has the behavior gotten worse? How old is he? It almost sounds like early onset alzhiemers (or dementia of some sort).

[Anonymous]

OP again:

To the person right above, I suspect dementia. We had a really long staff meeting yesterday and he ended with telling us all that we need to let him know what we are doing. This was after we all told him and we all distributed our 2013 plans to each otherand discussed them a lot.

I know what everybody here is doing. If one left tomorrow, I could have new hire up in running very fast.

It's so weird that it is not sinking in. He also hasn't done some things yet that he usually does in Nov. (like finalize our budget). He's not doing anything other than that right now but still can't concentrate enough to understand what each of us are doing.

Other than leave, is there anything else I can do? I honestly go back and forth between leaving before he destroys this organization or trying to help him save it from himself but just see that ending really badly.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way you can VERY gently suggest a medical screening?

[Anonymous]

I think he's doing it...I think he's got some heart issues he's dealing with right now. Maybe he needs to up blood thinners...he takes an aspirin a day that I k now about.

[Anonymous]

Get out now

[Anonymous]

Uk- so you are the number two? And there isn't anyone else? I mean, would it be horrible to mention something to someone on his board? Seems like a step before quitting... but could also look bad... then again may be they've noticed?

[Anonymous]

Update from OP: I was contacted by a recruiter for a couple of very interesting jobs so I am pursuing them quietly. If I mentioned this to anyone (I think it's memory problems) I think he will be vindictively angry b/c I've seen him do it to 3 or 4 women in the time I"ve been at the organization. Yes all women...he's of that generation (in his 60s). Meanwhile, I"m a counselor to other staffers and that's fine. I now expect to have to repeat everything, all the time and defend staffers who have told us all x, y, and z...only one of us doesn't remember. Also, now that I realize it's memory and not general assholeness, i find it easier to handle.