Were your friends/family more or less supportive after diagnosis of SN was given? How did you feel??
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Anonymous
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Just wondering how people have received support once their child was diagnosed. We have always struggled with behavior issues with our son --- impulsivity, attention, oppositional defiant, etc. He also has visual, auditory and speech problems (and years of supporting therapy). In the past we've gotten a lot of eye rolls, accusations that we are not "firm enough" parents, not consistent, not this, not that, not good enough at this essentially. I'm wondering now that we're on the cusp of an ADHD diagnosis and IEP if this will change how we function in the world and how our friends and family regard us.
Also, did anyone feel relieved when the got the diagnosis, or were you more defeated? I think I may be mixed or perhaps a bit confused still of how this is all supposed to work from here on out. Any thoughts, good or bad? Thanks. |
Anonymous
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One side of the family really turned it around after the diagnosis. It was as though everything I had ever said about my son's specific challenges had fallen on deaf ears until the diagnosis arrived and, once we had it, they immediately became much, much more empathetic. They didn't apologize or acknowledge their mistaken comments--which would have been nice!--but they hanged completely. The other side did not change AT ALL. I think they don't get ADHD, don't seem to want to learn about it, and can't move beyond their preconceived notions about how kids should behave. I have to say, it is pretty disappointing.
As for you other question... I have always had a very mixed reaction when my son has been evaluated. On the one hand, I do feel some relief to have confirmation for my suspicions and an explanation for his behavior. I like having a plan with clear objectives so something like a neuropsych report is very motivating to me--whereas I hate wondering what I should be doing. On the other hand, it is very tough to see (in percentiles) how great some of my son's challenges are. And on top of these conflicting feelings, I also felt deeply proud of my boy, who is so brave and tries hard every single day to do what he is supposed to do. |
Anonymous
| Hmmm. For the most part no. My in-laws were obnoxious and lacking empathy. My parents were in disbelief, but once on board-supportive and a huge help. I think friends tried to be helpful, but I was so sensitive you had to walk on eggshells. Some just instictively knew the right things to say to me, but I think everyone meant well. |
Anonymous
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We personally were relieved b/c we knew what we had to focus on--granted it all seems like mountains to climb.
The family sort of gets it, but still they forget and/or think it's a matter of discipline or that the kid will grow out of it. No to both. But they try. |
Anonymous
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short answer - judgemental people remain judgemental. People with more empathy can be more understanding if they get information. For very judgmental folks - they only understand if they have the same issue - and then the only way to deal is the solution they found.
Listen to how your friends and family talk about other people in the world. Are they kind or are they kinda mean spirited? Do they care about the struggles of others - are they happy when someone overcomes a difficulty? Or are they happy only when others are unhappy? If they are rigid and unbending and/or unkind with respect to the challenges faced by others, then they probably will never ever understand or be truly accepting with respect to the particular challenges you are facing. So, that is my test - i notice how others relate to the world at large. If they are kind and understanding to people with run of the mill challenges, they might be similarly kind and understanding to special needs. If they are, in contrast, hard and sometimes happy to see others fail, then well i do not expect much from them. |
Anonymous
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Our family was extremely supportive. They immediately started flooding with all kinds of therapy resources, diet ideas. It became overwhelming at some point, but in a good way. Our DS has Aspergers.
Friends, well...we realized that some of our friends, despite their PhDs and graduate degrees, were pretty ignorant. We were asked questions like "is it genetic/contagious" and "will you institutionalize him". We lost 2 couples. The remaining clan is overly protective of DS. |
Anonymous
| I think my family thinks they supportive but they actually aren't all. It's not because they aren't good people. They sim |
Anonymous
| I'd say just be prepared to be surprised on both ends of the spectrum -- friends who i expected more of disappointed me, and then friends who i had no expectations for turned out to be incredibly kid, generous and supportive |
Anonymous
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13:36. Didn't mean to press send.
They just don't know the effort it takes to take care of a special needs. When people notice he is improving, we often get the,"see he's going to be fine." There is little to. I understanding of how hard we have to work to meet his needs. Now we simply don't bring it up, even this good friends. I have found people don't mean to be insensitive. They just can't comprehend raising a child with greater needs than their own. |
Anonymous
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Not supportive at all. They keep insisting there is nothing wrong with DS and why are you driving to all these therapies?!? DS has Asperger's. Now that DS has an IEP, we only use school services, and DS is doing well - they think DS is "cured" like it was a cold or something...
DS has a cousin who is a teenager also diagnosed with AS but in high school. Relatives keep saying they don't think DS has AS b/c he does not present like his cousin specifically cousin has bad eye contact, DS's eye contact is normal. My brother (whose wife and I both think has AS) keeps insisting there is nothing wrong with DS b/c he is a lot like his kids (their school wanted them evaluated but DB refused). According to DB, parallel play is normal for five yr olds... and any social problems come from his kids being "gifted." Obviously, we have a lot of Asperger's and/or tendencies in our family but it did not make it one whit easier when we got the diagnosis. Support from family and friends don't count for much in the long run anyway. We have gotten fantastic support from DS's school and his IEP has made all the difference in the world for DS. Focus on getting help where it counts. |
Anonymous
Oh wow. We get the "nothing wrong" too. Even at his worst, we're talking kicked out of preschool and notorious at the grocery stores, some people just said he's just hitting the terrible 1s, 2s, 3s and boys will be boys. Now that things are much better we get the "see I told you things would be fine." We still get help and he qualifies for an IEP. One neighbor basically accused me of being a tiger mom getting all this help. She has a child the same age who rarely smiles. My kid is happy go lucky, silly and often giggling. Really? You think I'm making him miserable? Before he had language and the ability to do basic things like feed himself he used to cry and scream often. Some people just don't get it and they won't understand unless it hits their own family. |
Anonymous
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-One side of the family: told us we were stupid to believe the dx, that the dev. ped. who gave the dx obviously had no idea what he was doing b/c clearly there is nothing wrong with DC
- Other side of the family: got extremely worried and looked to us for reassurance, which wasn't helpful since we needed them to provide us with reassurance, not the other way around! So to answer your question: no a dx does not help when it comes to family...at least for us, it didn't... |
Anonymous
| Family was supportive, but we both got a lot of "You were just like that as a child & you grew out of it". Well-meaning friends said DS seemed "normal", thier child did X,Y,Z also and turned out fine, etc. So yes, everyone one supportive, but they didn't really "get" it. |