Am I a horrible daughter?

[Anonymous]

My father almost died a few years ago in a horrible accident. We were told he would live and if he did, he would probably never be the same.

Through the miracle of modern medicine, he not only lived, but you can't even tell anything is wrong if you never met him.

That being said, he has no "filter" and constantly says embarrassing and inappropriate things. I love him and am just happy he is here, but I'm afraid to go places with him, because you never know what he will say.

he has discovered Facebook and has started posting all over my husband my wall. Rude, racist, cussing and worse. We talked to him, he gets upset and mad at us. We talk to my mom and she gets mad at us "he ALMOST died, and you care about cussing?" My brother stopped using Facebook entirely because of it, but it's frustrating to me.

I guess I just want to vent here and open it up to DCUM, maybe I'm being terrible to my dad, or maybe I should just deal with it

[Anonymous]

This is new behavior since the accident, right? I wonder if there are support groups out there that may have good strategies for you on this. If not, dementia support groups may be helpful as this can be a problem for their caregivers as well.

You are not a horrible daughter-this sounds really hard. My only suggestion is that you try to remember that he was badly injured and this isn't really him, and to let the people you know may come into contact with him know what's going on so they aren't surprised. I would never hold it against a friend if her dad was a jerk if I knew the situation.

And your brother can just change his Facebook settings so Dad can't see his posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father almost died a few years ago in a horrible accident. We were told he would live and if he did, he would probably never be the same.

Through the miracle of modern medicine, he not only lived, but you can't even tell anything is wrong if you never met him.

That being said, he has no "filter" and constantly says embarrassing and inappropriate things. I love him and am just happy he is here, but I'm afraid to go places with him, because you never know what he will say.

he has discovered Facebook and has started posting all over my husband my wall. Rude, racist, cussing and worse. We talked to him, he gets upset and mad at us. We talk to my mom and she gets mad at us "he ALMOST died, and you care about cussing?" My brother stopped using Facebook entirely because of it, but it's frustrating to me.

I guess I just want to vent here and open it up to DCUM, maybe I'm being terrible to my dad, or maybe I should just deal with it

You have my sympathy. Of course you're glad your Dad's alive and well, but the rude posts are something to be legitimately upset about. It would upset your father, but have you and your husband thought about blocking him from facebook? At least this would limit his exposure. Also, can you talk to your father's doctors about this filter issue and how to respond? Talk to a therapist who's familiar with this sort of an aftermath to an accident?

[Anonymous]

Time to unfriend him on facebook.

[Anonymous]

Your dad sounds like he has TBI-traumatic brain injury-the impulse centers have his brain have been damaged. It may take a long time for this part of him to heal. Patience and psychotherapy will help.

[Anonymous]

Just delete his posts when they're obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Because he is your father and because he nearly died does not mean you are not allowed to ever set any boundaries.

You tried telling him that his behavior makes you uncomfortable, and he got angry at you. Luckily, on FB, you can disable him from posting on your wall. Out in public or in other social situations, you'll have to determine how much you can handle.

What if instead of saying rude stuff he smacked you in the face every time you saw him? You wouldn't put up with that. Set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father almost died a few years ago in a horrible accident. We were told he would live and if he did, he would probably never be the same.

Through the miracle of modern medicine, he not only lived, but you can't even tell anything is wrong if you never met him.

That being said, he has no "filter" and constantly says embarrassing and inappropriate things. I love him and am just happy he is here, but I'm afraid to go places with him, because you never know what he will say.

he has discovered Facebook and has started posting all over my husband my wall. Rude, racist, cussing and worse. We talked to him, he gets upset and mad at us. We talk to my mom and she gets mad at us "he ALMOST died, and you care about cussing?" My brother stopped using Facebook entirely because of it, but it's frustrating to me.

I guess I just want to vent here and open it up to DCUM, maybe I'm being terrible to my dad, or maybe I should just deal with it

You have my sympathy. Of course you're glad your Dad's alive and well, but the rude posts are something to be legitimately upset about. It would upset your father, but have you and your husband thought about blocking him from facebook? At least this would limit his exposure. Also, can you talk to your father's doctors about this filter issue and how to respond? Talk to a therapist who's familiar with this sort of an aftermath to an accident?

He and my mom get very angry and upset whenever my brother, husband or I mention anything that imply he's not exactly the same as he was before. I've tried talking to his doctor, who of course, won't talk to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad sounds like he has TBI-traumatic brain injury-the impulse centers have his brain have been damaged. It may take a long time for this part of him to heal. Patience and psychotherapy will help.

He won't do therapy. He says he fine and spent enough time in the hospital (he was in a coma and spent many months in physical therapy). Not to mention, he was a doctor and we all know, they make the worst patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because he is your father and because he nearly died does not mean you are not allowed to ever set any boundaries.

You tried telling him that his behavior makes you uncomfortable, and he got angry at you. Luckily, on FB, you can disable him from posting on your wall. Out in public or in other social situations, you'll have to determine how much you can handle.

What if instead of saying rude stuff he smacked you in the face every time you saw him? You wouldn't put up with that. Set boundaries.

Exactly.

And I am really sorry your mother is in denial about your father's obvious brain damage and/or dementia.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this post. My sister and I have my moms password so that we can delete her posts when they get too insulting or crazy. Half the time she doesn't even realize they are gone.

[Anonymous]

Agree it sounds like a TBI. Block your dad from being able to post on your wall. Let him see what's going on with you but don't let him post.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is probably never going to get better than he is now. The unfortunate truth about brain injuries is that most of the recovery occurs early on and by a few years out, you have to learn to live with what you have. With respect to Facebook, that means either accepting what he posts or unfriend him. Since I don't think anything you do can educate your friends and make them accept your father the way he is now, I'd choose to unfriend. That doesn't make you a bad daughter. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP, this happened to us after my FIL had a stroke. It was very challenging for all of us. I think what helped was being able to talk about it with other family without feeling bad -- without fear of being judged. We all understoood it wasn't his fault he was acting differently. We could talk about loving him yet acknowledge the sadness and frustration we were all experiencing because of his personality change. Unfortunately, it sounds like your family isn't able to do this, probably they are in denial about what's really going on here. My suggestion is to just let it go with them and focus on boundaries, as others have said. Time to stop interacting with him through Facebook. It's a hard situation, but try to remember it's not your father's fault that he's acting this way. It is trauma from his injury, in all likelihood.

[Anonymous]

As other PPs have suggested, block him from being able to post on your wall and/or comment on any posts that you make. You should also set up the review feature which prevents any post or picture that tags you from appearing on your wall/timeline until you expressly approve it.