Why do I have to buy a present for my child's teachers?

[Anonymous]

My ds is in preschool and he's enjoying himself. I've talked to the other moms and everyone is very friendly. We're happy so far. When I picked him up today, there was a note in his bag from two of the other moms in the class. They had taken the time to interview the two teachers, find out their favorite foods, colors, etc. The information is meant to be helpful when "brainstorming presents" and I'll receive more information later regarding "special occasion items." Is it just me or is this a bit much? Why is this expected? And yes, I know that if I don't contribute, our family will be gossiped about and the teacher will remember that dc's family didn't give presents. At his previous school we were specifically instructed to not buy gifts for the teachers and if we really wanted to do something, we should buy a book for the classroom. Should I just get over this? I am going to contribute, but I'm not going to be happy about it.

[Anonymous]

As a middle grade teacher, I can say quite honestly that it really refreshed me to see the little gifts my students had chosen for me. When I was discouraged and overwhelmed, they helped me keep marching. The best ones were simple notes from the kids or a letter from the parents describing what the child thought of being in my class (always positive--remember, it's supposed to be a gift, not a slap). No one likes to be 'forced' to give...and I certainly don't want a gift from someone who didn't really want to give it. I'd say if your heart isn't in it, don't do it. You can teach gratitude to your child in another way.

[Anonymous]

baksheesh.

[Anonymous]

I am a mom who was tapped to be in charge of present giving and brainstorming in DC's preschool class a few years ago. Guess no one else signed up. But anyway.

When I had to go around and ask for the $12 per family at holiday time, or end-of-year, there were always one or two parents who bitched about giving, had a million questions about "why do we have to do this?" and so on. Let me stress here that times were not tight, not in the least, for these people.

So my question back to OP, to OP's supporters, and to the moms in DC's class back then who pissed and moaned about $12 for a Staples gift card to buy more supplies for their children's educational experience ....

where is your heart? I mean really. Is this really THE place to be chintzy?

[Anonymous]

No, it is not the place to be chintzy. I think parents should have the freedom to join others for gifts or not. In fact, I prefer the gifts I got from former students who chose a little something for me by themselves, and the ones I still have on my desk are: a clay sculpture lizard and "the story of a girl and a teacher" book written to me by a student.

If you have an older child they could buy the starbucks card---whatever. In this instance it IS the thought that counts. Whatever token you give will make the teacher feel that you spent a bit of time acknowledging their role in your family/child's life.

If you can't afford it make a lizard---I treasure that thing and my collection of 128 #1 teacher christmas ornaments

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have no problem giving gifts for the classroom (it's what we did last year). And I would love it if my son wanted to make something for his teachers. But the note from the other moms listed favorite restaurants, musicians and what the teachers "have plenty of," among other things. And it's not like the teachers were oblivious to this note. They put it in the children's bags.

[Anonymous]

Yuck--I don't like that.
Tacky
-southern raised teacher

[Anonymous]

I have to say, group gifts, gift begging, gift profiling is all just poor taste, pure and simple. But that is the way it is these days, from weddings, to babies, to these poor teachers who work their asses off, and we still bellyache. I would PREFER to give what I would like to give, but there are more important things in the world than sweating this...and as a former teacher, I know a note from the heart means more than any mug or gift certificate (although a gc to Nordstroms ain't bad)! So to the parents who are a bit, offended by this, give your stupid money and then write a lovely and personal note. THAT will be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

What kind of preschool is this? Is this a montessori?

[Anonymous]

I posted 22:02 and 21: 55
This thread reminds me of a game the teachers on my team used to play while having drinks after the last day of school before a holiday. We would each arrive, funniest "teacher gift" in tote, and do a gift swap. It was hilarious---think fifth graders shopping at the dollar store, and kids wrapping up their broken crayons---very sweet, but even funnier.
If I were you I would tell the moms who are organizing this, I don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but my dd/ds and I really enjoy putting these special gifts together for our teachers, blah, blah and make adorable wine charms to accompany a bottle of your favorite wine--include a thankful note.
Seriously, organized gifts are impersonal--do your own thoughtful thing and feel good about showing your appreciation.

[Anonymous]

OP ... you are learning a valuable lesson here in preschool that you will need for many, many years to come! Believe me, you will be called upon to chip in on numerous well-meant but yet somehow meaningless gestures over the years. The answer is to be true to your own values ... give to the group gift if it makes you feel happy to do so but not because it makes you feel guilty if you do not do it. Politely accept or decline the offer to contribute and know that you do not need to provide a lengthy justification for your actions. Parents who might gossip behind your back are not your friends, so anything they might say is not relevant to you. I definitely agree with PPs that a sincere thank you note, handwritten, is a true expression of gratitude and will be very much appreciated.

Often what the "gift collector" wants more than anything is a quick response so that she need not wonder about your intentions and have to follow up, which is uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

I would say that you already have something in mind. I stopped teaching 2 years ago. I got a gift card to a restaurant that I JUST recently used. I would say it was atleast 3 years old... very nice of the parents, but not as meaningful as the picture I received of a student of mine and me together during school hours, or the 'Best Teacher' certificate that one of my special ed. kids prompted and asked an aide to help out with. I would MUCH rather have received something with meaning.
Tell the 'collector' that you appreciate her gesture, but would rather handle gift giving on your own.

[Anonymous]

I gave gifts to teachers and teacher's aides at the end of the year primarily because I felt that teachers work very hard for not a whole lot of money and don't get enough respect in general. Teachers in the US get so much less respect than they do in some European countries. I figured the least I could do was remember them at the end of the year.

Usually we gave gift certificates to book stores. (Especially in DCPS, people might want to buy things for the classroom.) Then we moved on to amazon once we figured most people were online. You can buy a whole lot of things other than books at amazon these days. We also included a note thanking the teacher.

But I think PP is right. You should decide what you think is best to give and beg off the group effort if you're uncomfortable with it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just wanted to say that I gave my money ($75!) for the group gifts. And I will have my ds do something, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just wanted to say that I gave my money ($75!) for the group gifts. And I will have my ds do something, too.

Think of it this way - you probably spend that much in tips per year for your hairdresser -- who does the more imporant job - and makes a lot less. But - I do think it is rude to be expected to contribute.