Can you bail as a wedding guest bc of the mother of the bride?

[Anonymous]

My parents have been friends with another family for the last 30 years; both sets of parents immigrated to the US from India in the 70s and the dads landed in the same company, raised their families in the same town, and thus the families got to be friends. The “kids” of these families (incl. me) are in their 30s now. I haven’t seen the other family’s kids in 5-10 years -- we have nothing in common, don’t make an effort to reach out when we’re home etc. and barely connect on FB. The parents have also drifted -- both sides have more extended family in the area now and are obsessed with being on the phone with family 24-7 rather than hanging out with real live local friends. Frankly, it was a friendship of convenience back when everyone was new to the US 3 decades ago.

The mom of the other family is so manipulative that I can’t stand it. She invites my whole family to life-cycle events and makes such a big fuss -- “no you HAVE to come, you’re our oldest friends etc.” that you get guilt tripped into RSVP-ing yes. Then when the event gets close, she makes it clear that you are intruding on her family’s event. She did this for things like grad parties and sweet 16s, which my sister and I were thrilled to bail on and my parents just went for a little while.

Now her D is getting married and she did the whole song and dance months ago about how all 4 of us HAVE to attend. Now the wedding is a week away in NJ and my mom was chatting with her and asked her something about road closures/parking near the ceremony site and she said “oh - the ceremony is pretty small and will be mostly family. And the cocktail hour after - who wants to go to that - it’s just hours of standing around.” Pretty much letting it be known that if we are there for anything more than the dinner, we are intruding.

I’m kind of happy bc the ceremony is at 3 pm with a 7 pm reception and it’s all in NJ so it’s not like we can come home for the hours in between. But she’s so manipulative and rude that I just want to say “you know what - I won’t make it, hope you and your family enjoy.” But it’s a week before and I imagine that caterers etc. are already paid so if I bail she will forever say “your D didn’t even come to my D’s wedding and cost us $x dollars.”

Do I have to suck it up and go? Is this just b!tchy Indian auntie syndrome? I’m tired of it and I’m tired of the fact that it hurts my parents’ feelings.

[Anonymous]

Just go since you already said you would. But stay just for a short while. And next time she invites you to something, say you already committed to something else. Don't spend too much time on people like this. Enjoy your life.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she wants you to come just to dinner? Do that if you think it's acceptable given the set up of the wedding- and never RSVP yes to any event in the future.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she was just saying those things so you wouldn't feel bad if you couldn't make it due to Sandy. If you can safely travel and you have a place to stay, then you need to go since you RSVP'd yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she was just saying those things so you wouldn't feel bad if you couldn't make it due to Sandy. If you can safely travel and you have a place to stay, then you need to go since you RSVP'd yes.

If she was a different kind of person, I'd give her that benefit of the doubt. Or she could just come out and ask whether travel will be an issue. We are doing it as a turn-around trip, in part because we knew she could act like this and at 9 pm want to be able to say "well - it's going to be a long drive back to DC, gotta go." It has just gotten so old since this has been going on for over a decade at every life event. For example she HAD to have all of us at her D's sweet 16, which was thrown in a fancy reception hall etc. I didn't want to go as I thought that was a "friend" party and I don't consider myself close enough friends with the D. She insisted, my family RSVP-ed yes only to have her call a week later and say to my mom "oh, your kids are coming. You know there won't be a lot of older kids at the party." Her D was 16, we were 18 and 19. Obviously the invite was just for show and she was looking to cut costs. We were able to bail them bc it was months before the party, not a week. It's just gotten so old.

[Anonymous]

I would always RSVP but when she insists you don't show, I wouldn't go. Just take her for what she says. Never plan on attending anything. I wouldn't go to NJ and if she says anything just tell her what she said to you. I don't understand why people put up with this behavior AND complain about it.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you didn't RSVP "no" from the get go.

[Anonymous]

I'd have RSVP'd no to start with, but now just go, be pleasant, and stay away from her. I'm a bitch, so I'd attend EACH wedding event next week.

But for god's sake woman, stop agreeing to these things!

[Anonymous]

If the event is next weekend, yes you can change your RSVP. Most places do not requre a final headcount until a few days before the event.

But CALL today and make sure you are ready to respond to the comments she is going to have.

[Anonymous]

you did say yes, so the polite thing is to go; but you need never say yes again.

and you can always "get sick." it's dishonest, but so is inviting people and then disinviting them.

[Anonymous]

You are making a CHOICE to allow this woman to "guilt trip" you into going to these events. It's not as if this is some kind of new behavior. Why do you subject yourself to this?

Can't you just say in response to these comments, "So are you saying you'd prefer us not to come to the ceremony?" I mean, what is the downside-- she will get mad and won't invite you to things any more? Sounds like a pretty good outcome to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have RSVP'd no to start with, but now just go, be pleasant, and stay away from her. I'm a bitch, so I'd attend EACH wedding event next week.

But for god's sake woman, stop agreeing to these things!

OP here -- LOL -- not inviting myself for EVERY event when she doesn't even want me at the vows. For those who ask why I don't just RSVP no - it isn't like a normal person to whom you RSVP no and life goes on. She will call, whine, get teary and go on about how long she has known you and how much she cares. You then feel bad for making a 60+ yr old woman cry and feel guilted into saying yes. Then it's like once she has "secured" your attendance, she feels free to treat you like dirt. It's not like this happens yearly -- there is a life cycle event once every 3-5 yrs and clearly I forget in between how bad the behavior will be, I give her the benefit of the doubt, don't want her in an awkward spot with my parents, think she surely must have mellowed/changed, feel bad that her DH has passed away and maybe she is thinking back to the people who were important to both of them back in the day etc.

I really like the idea of saying "so you don't want us to come" just to see what she says/put her on the spot.

[Anonymous]

Lordy. Go for.an hour, 90 minutes top. Do not engage in any of the stupidity. Resolve this is the last event you will attend with them.

[Anonymous]

Exactly. Just go. They'll probably have good food. Eat and leave.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. Were you invited to just the reception? Or to the wedding ceremony and reception? I would attend whatever events I indicated I would attend via an RSVP.