Do you have a problem when parents generically call your children "the special needs kid"

[Anonymous]

My DD is mainstreamed -- HFA in public school. Doing well, certainly there are issues through. But I have to say, I CRINGE when I hear parents say, "oh, that's for the special needs children, or oh are you the parent of the special needs kid" blah blah blah. You get my point. DO I need to get over this? I don't call other kids "the adopted kids" or the "kids with the divorced parents" or the fat kid.

[Anonymous]

Wow. That does seem really tactless. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would. First, they need to learn to use "person first" language: a child, who has special needs. Secondly, they need to not just adopt the proper language but the proper attitude behind it: all the kids are people, trying to do the best they can, albeit some with differing needs.

Sorry you are dealing with this, OP. I have a child who joined our family through adoption (see, the "person first" language?) who also has special needs.

I really am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I especially noticed this last night during T/O/T. My DD is very obviously disabled but cognitively normal and bright.

As we trick or treated, one "little old lady" gave DD candy and then turned to me and said "Is there any hope?" Ummm.....she's not dying of TB, lady. She's in front of you, happy as a clam -- UNDERSTANDING EVERY FUCKING WORD YOU SAY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Yes. Yes.

I especially noticed this last night during T/O/T. My DD is very obviously disabled but cognitively normal and bright.

As we trick or treated, one "little old lady" gave DD candy and then turned to me and said "Is there any hope?" Ummm.....she's not dying of TB, lady. She's in front of you, happy as a clam -- UNDERSTANDING EVERY FUCKING WORD YOU SAY.

11:39 poster here: OMG, 11:40 -- this is completely unacceptable!!! I am so sorry AND mad for you and your DD!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Good point.
I used to work with kids with diabetes and we were taught to always say 'the child with diabetes' rather than 'the diabetic child'. How would you feel about this distinction: ... 'a child with special needs' rather than 'a special needs child' or, worse yet, 'SPED kids' (which personally drives me crazy!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good point.
I used to work with kids with diabetes and we were taught to always say 'the child with diabetes' rather than 'the diabetic child'. How would you feel about this distinction: ... 'a child with special needs' rather than 'a special needs child' or, worse yet, 'SPED kids' (which personally drives me crazy!).

If you are talking about my child's problems, that's fine. But otherwise, the little girl in the brown sweater, the little girl who likes chicken nuggets, the little girl with the crazy smile...

[Anonymous]

Yes. Sorry you are going through this. DS attends a SN school, so I don't face as much of this now thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

One might overlook this from a child but adults should know better.

I would respond "I don't know whom you are referring to but I'm Tom's dad, he's the one (fill in the blank with what he's wearing, or what he's doing or where he's sitting etc). Don't allow them to think it's ok by saying nothing and show them how they should refer to your DC.

[Anonymous]

I have been lucky in that most parents have been very respectful, except this 1 mom who had a child with different SN than mine and that child was much older. My child with SN was in a class with her typically developing genius. She constantly reminded me I had the special needs child and that her same age kid was advanced.

"Bobby blah blah blahed early. "Don't expect your Johnny to be able to blah blah blah anytime soon, because my older one didn't blah, blah, blah until blah age" "Your kid will probably never (fill in the blank). Our developmental ped said it's because..." Not once did she refer to my child without talking about SN.

I know she meant well, but she seemed to think she was an expert on my child. I didn't tell her my kid already "blah blah blahed" because there was no point in doing so. He also ......on time too thanks to our great OT, but kept that to myself. In her mind my kid was "the SN kid" and was a clone of her child with SN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I have been lucky in that most parents have been very respectful, except this 1 mom who had a child with different SN than mine and that child was much older. My child with SN was in a class with her typically developing genius. She constantly reminded me I had the special needs child and that her same age kid was advanced.

"Bobby blah blah blahed early. "Don't expect your Johnny to be able to blah blah blah anytime soon, because my older one didn't blah, blah, blah until blah age" "Your kid will probably never (fill in the blank). Our developmental ped said it's because..." Not once did she refer to my child without talking about SN.

I know she meant well, but she seemed to think she was an expert on my child. I didn't tell her my kid already "blah blah blahed" because there was no point in doing so. He also ......on time too thanks to our great OT, but kept that to myself. In her mind my kid was "the SN kid" and was a clone of her child with SN.

I hear ya, OP. It's even common amongst us "SN parents," isn't it? "DD sees a speech therapist but she's doing SO AWESOME!!!!! Our speech therapist just ROCKS!!!" "Johnny sees his OT on Fridays to work on socialization and sensory matters. . .he has made so much progress since we started this Fall." Oh dear Lord, it's just so tiresome. Wouldn't that we all just give it a FREAKING rest? Sigh.

Signed,
A mom of another child with, yes, her own SNs, so I know I am guilty of it too, but would just love us all to give it a rest once in a while

[Anonymous]

I like hearing how "awesome" and how X has "made great progress since he/she started Y therapy" from other SN parents. Cheers me up and gives me hope for my own SN child. Guess I have been lucky and have never run into another SN parent who claim to be an expert on another child other than their own. Overall, I love other SN parents who have been nothing but empathetic and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Well, I had a friend kept refering to my kid's school as a "special needs school" in front of him. It is, and I told her this, but said we just refer to it as "school."

Her heart was in the right place, so it was no big deal.

At his old school, there was a mom who drove me batty telling me that her son got over his OT issues by using Kumon books and that mine could too, I didn't need an OT. Rrrrright, lady.

[Anonymous]

How about the teacher who refers to those autistic kids vs the id kids. I am going to lose my mind! WTF? Why is teacher breaking them into groups like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would. First, they need to learn to use "person first" language: a child, who has special needs. Secondly, they need to not just adopt the proper language but the proper attitude behind it: all the kids are people, trying to do the best they can, albeit some with differing needs.

Sorry you are dealing with this, OP. I have a child who joined our family through adoption (see, the "person first" language?) who also has special needs.

I really am sorry.

OP that sucks. Totally insensitive. I must say, though, in response to this PP, that I think the whole "person first language" thing is complete and utter P.C. bullshit. It is meaningless, and frankly it sounds awkward in conversation.