10 year old's thoughts of dying

[Anonymous]

My husband just had a conversation with my 10 year old DD where she confessed that, as she is lying in bed, she often thinks about dying and worries that if she thinks about dying she is more likely to die in her sleep that night. He tried to discuss her feelings and make her feel a little more comfortable. I don't know if I should be concerned that she is having these worries (and take her to a therapist!) or if they are developmentally appropriate thoughts. Any advice? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I can remember having these types of thoughts around 8-10. I can vividly remember sobbing to my parents at night because I wanted to be little again because if I got older, it meant I died. I'll be honest, I have an intense phobia of death. Even just typing this message, I can feel the anxiety rising and know that I have to think about something else or I will have a small anxiety attack thinking about death. it sounds like your daughter is starting to realize more about depth and is scared of it. I wish I could help with how to make her feel better but clearly I haven't figured it out for myself yet.

Just wanted to say, that at least in my non-expert opinion, this is probably developmentally appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I went through this as well, so I think it is fairly common, but I also remembering being very disturbed by it. You might consider cognitive behavioral therapy, which is short term, very focused, and very effective for exactly these kinds of things.

I think the concerning part is not that she is thinking about dying but that she thinks that these thoughts will cause it to happen, which is an almost OCD like thing. I would keep a very close eye on it and move in if it isn't getting better.

[Anonymous]

Are you religious? Maybe discussing things like an afterlife or reincarnation (if you believe in either) will help ease her worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this as well, so I think it is fairly common, but I also remembering being very disturbed by it. You might consider cognitive behavioral therapy, which is short term, very focused, and very effective for exactly these kinds of things.

I think the concerning part is not that she is thinking about dying but that she thinks that these thoughts will cause it to happen, which is an almost OCD like thing. I would keep a very close eye on it and move in if it isn't getting better.

I am far from OCD and I had the exact same thoughts as a kid, probably 10 or 11 years old. I also worried that the exact position I fell asleep in could influence whether or not I died that night. So strange to remember. So I vote normal, but maybe still worrisome? Glad you can talk to her about it.

[Anonymous]

My 6-7 year old son is like this - when he lays in bed at night, his brain starts spinning. I invented Heaven (we are not believers) and he feels so much better. It was so sad, he was crying from fear and worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6-7 year old son is like this - when he lays in bed at night, his brain starts spinning. I invented Heaven (we are not believers) and he feels so much better. It was so sad, he was crying from fear and worry.

You invented Heaven? Is this like how Al Gore "invented" the Internet? Good Lord.

[Anonymous]

Pretty typical. They *will* die at some point and at age 10, they know this now. Hard to deal with and at night, that's when the upsetting thoughts come. My 12 yr old worries about this, and has for years, and also getting old or her parents getting old, having to leave home, her cat dying, etc.

First, comfort calmly and briefly-- don't get into it with them. It's what, 9:25 at night, they are tired and so are you. If you start a discussion of heaven, afterlife, or anything else, it just spirals. They want to feel better so help them to do that for right then. You can always discuss it later in the day when it won't seem so overwhelming. Shut it down, put on music or read to them to change the mood/topic. Then look for opportunities to talk with them later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6-7 year old son is like this - when he lays in bed at night, his brain starts spinning. I invented Heaven (we are not believers) and he feels so much better. It was so sad, he was crying from fear and worry.

Oh Good Lord, if you don't believe you are just lying. (1) if he's crying all the time from worry, you need to get him professional help. Seriously, why should your child suffer? (2) get straight in your head what your belief system is before you talk to your child about it. This isn't something like hiding ground peas in ice cream, this is something that should reflect the values that you teach your children. You don't have to believe in God (I do, and talk about it with my kids) but you should share your actual world view with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6-7 year old son is like this - when he lays in bed at night, his brain starts spinning. I invented Heaven (we are not believers) and he feels so much better. It was so sad, he was crying from fear and worry.

You invented Heaven? Is this like how Al Gore "invented" the Internet? Good Lord.

That's really cruel, pp who "invented Heaven" but don't believe. Really. Beyond cruel. When do you plan to tell him that you lied about this?

The concept of Heaven and an afterlife is the root of all religion.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. She doesn't need therapy for it. You can even tell her it's totally normal to have lots of Big Thoughts about death and dying around her age.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to respond and share your experiences with the same issue (even if it was difficult to do so, 21:01) . It seems to be pretty common and an indicator that she's getting older and realizing bigger issues in this world. I have gathered a few resources (there's a lot out there now because of baby panda's death) and hope to discuss things with her this weekend. I have explained about heaven and reincarnation to her before. Basically, I have described what some religions believe but told her that we don't know what really happens. It would be useful in this situation to have a heartfelt religious belief, but we don't. Thanks again, all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6-7 year old son is like this - when he lays in bed at night, his brain starts spinning. I invented Heaven (we are not believers) and he feels so much better. It was so sad, he was crying from fear and worry.

You invented Heaven? Is this like how Al Gore "invented" the Internet? Good Lord.

That's really cruel, pp who "invented Heaven" but don't believe. Really. Beyond cruel. When do you plan to tell him that you lied about this?

The concept of Heaven and an afterlife is the root of all religion.

Not true. Heaven and an afterlife is the root of Christianity, but not other religions, necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6-7 year old son is like this - when he lays in bed at night, his brain starts spinning. I invented Heaven (we are not believers) and he feels so much better. It was so sad, he was crying from fear and worry.

You invented Heaven? Is this like how Al Gore "invented" the Internet? Good Lord.

That's really cruel, pp who "invented Heaven" but don't believe. Really. Beyond cruel. When do you plan to tell him that you lied about this?

The concept of Heaven and an afterlife is the root of all religion.

Not true. Heaven and an afterlife is the root of Christianity, but not other religions, necessarily.

A comforting answer to what happens when you die is nearly a universal theme of religion.

[Anonymous]

Actually, the afterlife isn't the root of Christianity. Christianity arose from Judaism, and there isn't much focus on the afterlife in Judaism. Many of us Christians believe when Jesus spoke of "eternal life" or "the kingdom of heaven" he was talking of real life, life with the eternal, life as it should be...ie Godly life. Just sayin', being a believer doesn't necessarily give you a pat answer for the stuff this 10 year old struggles with. None of us really knows what happens after death, and we all have to wrestle with that fear.