out of love with husband?

[Anonymous]

I fear I may have fallen out of love with my husband (married for 5 years, together for almost 9) we have an almost 2 yr old child together and I fear we may be staying together for that reason. He is a good Dad, but I fear I feel nothing but friendship for him these days. Our sex life isn't the best, and there are a lot of resentment issues between us. I have suggested we seek couples therapy to talk about some of our long standing issues regarding money(I have a lot of family money that he resents) and our division of labor( he does things around the house for a while but then only when I ask, and then acts like I'm nagging). I'm currently staying at home with our son which I know changes the way he sees me. He constantly tells me what a great Mom I am, but then will also say how he thinks I should go and make a lot of money. As I mentioned above, the money that came into our relationship due to my family inheritence paid for two graduate degrees of his, our first house, numerous vacations/experiences so I feel I have contributed financially quite a lot already. He has said it doesn't gount since I didn't make the money. I disagree( though I do plan on going back to work in the future). He has a job that he likes and it pays well, but not yet in the 6 digits. When I have suggested we see someone to talk about our issues he refuses and then acts like I am doing something horrible by merely suggesting we might even have a problem in our relationship. I know the first few years of having a child can be hard on a relationship, but am wondering if this is out of the norm. I sometimes feel like he makes my life more difficult, though I can't imagine being a single mom.
Anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Apathy is, arguably, worse than hate.

Which are you feeling? When you two are apart do you miss him? When he has a bad day, do you think "good, I'm glad you were miserable"?

[Anonymous]

I have done couples therapy and individual therapy over the years. I believe that individual therapy has actually helped me in my relationship more than couples therapy. I would definitely give that a try. You would be amazed by how much a VERY GOOD therapist can help a relationship even when just one person goes. The key is to find a very good therapist. Sometimes you have to see quite a few before finding a good one.

[Anonymous]

OP:
Thank you I think I will try to find a good therapist. Even if only I go, if would help to get a fresh viewpoint.
Where would be a good place to start looking for such a therapist?

[Anonymous]

OP where are you? I have a therapist recommended by an older and wiser friend for a similar circumstance. I believe she is in Bethesda.

[Anonymous]

18:12 poster again who recommended individual therapy --- I found therapists by referral (asking friends I trust) and by trial and error. By trial and error, I mean, you get the list from your insurance company, if you have insurance. Also -- I have surfed the web reading bio's before. I once input into google, the location, the word "therapist", and the specialty I was looking for. You can interview therapists on the phone and get a vibe that way too. Unfortunately, it is hard work and before I found a really good one here in the DC area, I went to 5 of them. Stay persistent though. I am a big believer in how much individual therapy can help relationships.

[Anonymous]

A minor point, as I think you two obviously have other issues here, but have you ever thought of living a lifestyle that the two of you -- alone, working as a team -- can actually afford? I say this as someone in the exact opposite situation: DH's family has boatloads of money and we went through a very tough time when he thought he was "contributing" so much to "our" lifestyle with all of the extra goodies his family's money could bring in. I didn't see it that way at all.... we found out the hard way that family money ALWAYS comes with strings attached. Sounds like this could be the root of some your husband's resentment. I encourage you to try to see things his way. He does a very valid point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A minor point, as I think you two obviously have other issues here, but have you ever thought of living a lifestyle that the two of you -- alone, working as a team -- can actually afford? I say this as someone in the exact opposite situation: DH's family has boatloads of money and we went through a very tough time when he thought he was "contributing" so much to "our" lifestyle with all of the extra goodies his family's money could bring in. I didn't see it that way at all.... we found out the hard way that family money ALWAYS comes with strings attached. Sounds like this could be the root of some your husband's resentment. I encourage you to try to see things his way. He does a very valid point.

I can see how family being involved in a couple's finances would contribute to resentment, however in our situation it is truely money that is in my name, my husband sees it as "ours",but at the same time resents it being there. We aren't taking money from my parents or anything like that. Are you suggesting that since one didn't make the money that it isn't theirs? Even if it was left to them and they are the only person with access to it? It was in my possession prior to marrying my husband so I get pissed when he seems to be bothered by it now, when he has benefited so much from it. (Not needing to take out loans for grad school, ect)It's as if he can't give me credit for contributing what would have otherwise been mine alone to our life together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP where are you? I have a therapist recommended by an older and wiser friend for a similar circumstance. I believe she is in Bethesda.

OP: Bethesda would work for me. Can you give me the therapists name? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like your DH suffers from envy. He wants you to work, to make money, because HE is logging the hours. Therefore, in his mind, YOU should be as unhappy and working as he is. This is just what I get from reading your post. My DH also suffers from a severe case of this. It stinks to live with someone who is miserable in his job, and jealous of his wife staying home with the kids.

Also, I think it's very simple what you are saying about your inherited money. It was yours before you married, it sounds like there are no strings attached b/c the benefactors have passed away, and he has a love/hate relationship with the money even being there. Weird.. but to each their own. I have no suggestions in this area, but I do think he's way out of line to suggest you need to contribute to the family by actually logging hours and collecting a paycheck. Especially if your inheritance is kicking out interest income. Again, sounds a lot like my DH wanting a pound of flesh. He has a misguided sense of "fair", as in, he works, I work or I'm not pulling my weight.

I agree with everyone else though -get counseling for yourself, you'll be amazed how much clarity and inner strength you will gain with a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

According to my older, wiser friend she is fabulous. She's been with her husband and on her own.

Judith List
4919 Bethesda Avenue, Bethesda, MD 20814
[phone]

[Anonymous]

Thank you!!!

[Anonymous]

I also know of a wonderful therapist who has a private practice right near Friendship Heights.
She sees many young couples (as well as individuals) and is very empathic and smart.
I highly recommend her. Often people like to meet with a few therapists for a 'consultation' and then they choose.

Her name is Linda Dickson, LICSW and her office number is 202-244-4995.

Her office is right above Sur La Table and Ritz Camera, on Wisconsin Ave right at Friendship Heights.

[Anonymous]

These issues - money, who has to work, etc. can tear a marriage apart. In my case, while I don't have family money, I earn significantly more than my husband, although he earns a good salary in his own right. He will not, for a moment, even contemplate my quitting my job to stay home with the kids or even cutting back to an 80% schedule. Instead, we have nannies and babysitters, when I really want to be more involved with my kids. He will not hear of any cut in his lifestyle. I have tried to show him that we could make changes in our lifestyle, such as selling our second home, so that I could do these things. But he refuses to hear of any scenario where I work less than he does (although now I work more) or of making sensible lifestyle changes. We have been struggling with these issues for over three years. The birth of our second child really brought these issues into focus.

We have done several month stretches of couples therapy two or three times, and we both did individual therapy as well (and I still continue with it). I also consulted a divorce lawyer. In the end, for me it came down to a very calculated decision that, if we split, I probably would not be able to cut back on my job because I would owe him alimony and it isn't clear who would get to keep the kids. So I could end up in an even worse spot - still no time with the kids and not even having them in my home all the time. Some days I hate him; most days I fake that I'm happy; some days, for a few minutes, I think I may find my way back to loving him.

You have to decide what you want to do and what makes sense. I think having a professional to help you sort it out is the best way to go. You can decide if you want to push for couples therapy later.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would highly suggest you seek couples AND individual therapy. Working to understand yourself and yourself in the couple are BOTH really important at this point. DC is starting to get into therapy, like NYC....but still many people fear the stigma. I think it is the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband and especially your children. It is one hour of YOU time with someone who is removed and objective and can really help you understand yourself better and can help you through such a difficult time.