out of love with husband?

[Anonymous]

Everyone else is promoting therapy and I fully concur that it can do great things... just make sure that you get a therapist who truly has the best interests of you and YOUR FAMILY (meaning child) in mind. There are therapists out there who encourage one to "follow one's feelings," for example, even if that would mean destroying your home over something that, in a few months/ years with some work on both of your parts, could be completely solved. Just remember who is key here: your DC, who doesn't really have a voice in any of this, but who needs mom and dad in an intact home, quite frankly more than s/he needs you to "feel in love" and "be happy."

You sound smart enough to know all of this; I just point this out because I know of people who have had real fiascos with therapists who simply tell them what they want to hear. (And that's not always what we need to hear.)

[Anonymous]

10:31 - You sound miserable, trapped in an awful situation. If you REALLY want to divorce your husband, but want custody of your children and not pay alymony to him, I suggest you quit your job immediatly - tell him you decided to be a SAHM. Be a SAHM for at least one year, and THEN divorce him.

After the divorce you go back to work - you won't be able to stay at home with the children, but at least you will have custody and won't have to pay him alimony.

[Anonymous]

a couple of random thoughts --

"out of love" is kind of vague -- nothing you describe sounds like it is past the point of no return, having a child is hard on a marriage, I think it is something people don't talk much about really and it is a huge stress, you go from being romantic partners to basically running a small business together, that business being your child/children. couple that with lack of sleep and free time and I think it's easy to feel like the marriage is really mundane and you're just friends/business partners

I'm not sure there is a solution for this, but recognizing it goes a long way -- as contrived as it may sound, I do think date nights, short vacations away together are quite helpful -- if nothing else, you will see if when you have alone time together, you get into a better groove

re: what you wrote about being a sahm and the inheritence, etc... - if he's just weird about the money for whatever reason, I'm not sure what to think of that, most people would love that situation, esp. when the money comes with no strings attached -- I am wondering, though, if something else is going on because the way you wrote about it, it almost sounded like you think your contribution to the household is that money and, therefore, you get to be a SAHM, but he needs to work because that's his contribution.

I'm not sure if this is what you meant, but, if so, I think this is really dangerous thinking. I actually have a similar situation, some inherited money I brought to my marriage, but I really think when you marry money is yours, mine and ours, i.e. you get married, figure out how much money you have and plan accordingly -- it's not about who brought what money to the table. You may still have conflict with your DH if you want to be sahm and he thinks you need to work, but it should be a conversation based on what you have together. I sensed a little of a hint that you think your DH needs to make more money, when you said he doesn't make six figures yet. Why does your DH want you to get a job? If it is because he thinks being a SAHM is cushy and he's jealous, that's the area you need to work on, but if he really thinks you need more money for you as a couple and doesn't want to work longer hours, fight for a promotion himself, I do think that's an area for compromise as a couple.

sorry if this is a bit rambling, because I'm not sure I really understand your situation from your OP, but hope this is helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:31 - You sound miserable, trapped in an awful situation. If you REALLY want to divorce your husband, but want custody of your children and not pay alymony to him, I suggest you quit your job immediatly - tell him you decided to be a SAHM. Be a SAHM for at least one year, and THEN divorce him.

After the divorce you go back to work - you won't be able to stay at home with the children, but at least you will have custody and won't have to pay him alimony.

10:31 here. Never underestimate the power of positive faking.

Seriously, though, when your spouse has irrational beliefs, and is not willing to look under the figurative rock to see where they come from, you have few choices. I could do as 17:31 suggests, which would be to trigger the biggest bogey-man possible: HE, rather than me, supports the family. We tried exploring that in therapy, and you would not believe the bizarre statements that came out of his mouth. It was infuriating. If I actually did what 17:31 suggests, who knows what would happen? When I suggested it in therapy, he threatened suicide. Hi Kids, Mommy made Daddy mad so he killed himself, and we can't even collect the insurance because of the suicide exclusion. Nice.

I could go on and on about it, but this thread is supposed to be about the OP's problem, not mine. I simply mentioned my situation to say that, if it turned out the OP's spouse has a similar core reaction to her not working and is equally irrational about it, she can either choose, as I have, to make the best of it by trying to create a nice home for her children and ensuring that they never figure out that mom isn't happy (this requires significant acting skills, which I fortunately have; my husband would be shocked if he read this post to find out it's me), or she can decide she is better off cutting her losses and moving on. For right now, for me, I am going with my Oscar-winning performances. I have fabulous children who love their Daddy, and I am not ready to blow that up. Marriage IS a choice. I choose to pretend to be happy in hopes that someday I will have gotten so good at pretending I will find some small happiness. What makes me insanely happy is my kids, and I am not ready to rock their world. While I agree it is better generally to figure out you married the wrong guy before you have kids, if you figure it out after kids, your actions can't just be about ME ME ME anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP: Thank you for all your thoughts. The truth is I never see myself getting a divorce. But I do think I need to speak with someone about my marital issues, and hopefully my husband will join me in therapy at a later date as well. My true focus at this stage in life is my child and I know family happiness directly connects to the child's happiness. So I will push forward and try to iron out the issues I have with my husband. All in all he is a very good man and I truely care for him, I just don't feel "in love" with him at this time. I'm hoping with time that will change back.
Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Just remember: LOVE is an action. It's something you DO, not always something you "feel."

[Anonymous]

please consider couples therapy first. it can really help strengthen the communication between you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember: LOVE is an action. It's something you DO, not always something you "feel."

feelings are so fleeting and constantly changing and unreliable. if only everyone realized that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember: LOVE is an action. It's something you DO, not always something you "feel."

Holy *#)(#(....this is so true I can't believe I have missed this. I could have been OP (minus any of the money stuff) with my feelings.

[Anonymous]

I think you are doing the right thing by thinking about this and seeking help. It takes a strong person to look at difficult issues with his/her spouse...but really, it's the only way to make things better. I know a number of people who have been in couples therapy and who have really benefited from this experience. It has really changed their marriage. Good luck, and let us know how things are going for you.