How do you deal with the ambiguity?

[Anonymous]

It seems that no one in my life (except 2 YO DD and 4 YO DS) are willing to give me the straight story. I toggle back and forth between "glass is half full" vs. "glass is half empty" scenarios.

The politics at work are almost unbearable. There's the public story and the underlying "real" story. So far, I have been left out of what is the "real" story besides getting ominous e-mails from the person who is moving elsewhere in the company to bigger things while I (apparently) have the great honor of taking on all her responsibilities, but not her coveted title or paycheck. The wierd e-mail (which came with some sort of warning) and other subtleties in her changed demeanor tells me that there is more going on. Plus as I move into this "great" professional opportunity I will be working directly for/with someone who doesn't seem to care that much for my immediate boss.

Then there is my marriage and DH who doesn't really like to hang out at home anymore and his activities increasingly take him elsewhere during the week and on weekends. He doesn't want to admit there is a problem and when I bring it up I'm just "crazy".

How do you deal with the ambiguity? Do you try to "keep it real", keep your hand in the sand, or find some middle ground? Should I find a hobby, workout, take up drinking? Is therapy something I should make time for? I had a coach for awhile and she was extremely helpful in working through this stuff. Now she is gone and I still have those tools, but I do feel the need to "react" in some way.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are struggling with repressed anger. A lot of it. I think you need to find a way to express how you feel. Sit down with the people in your life -- your husband, your colleague/boss and discuss these issues. This isn't "ambiguity." This is conflict.

[Anonymous]

I'm a straight shooter and I always want to know what is going on good or bad. So I would pull aside the coworker for lunch and make them fess up. I'd hire a babysitter and take my DH out to dinner and tell him what I needed from him and ask him if he is getting what he needs from me.

In other words, I'd start the conversations. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. It's terribly stressful not knowing where you stand.

[Anonymous]

The co-worker is based in another country and is taking some time off before returning during which I'll get to feel my way around. I viewed her as a mentor and she really helped me improve my professional skills and raise my visibility. So some of this hurts on a personal level. I wanted to avoid hitting this head-on in an e-mail and tried to ring her this morning. I finally got her to respond to me when I sent her a heart-felt e-mail about how I wanted to let her know before she left what I great mentor she has been. She promised to try to set up a call next week or the following week so maybe I can get some answers.

On DH, I told him last night I wanted to see a marriage counselor to try to get our issues on the table. He got pretty defensive about it and made me regret bringing it up altogether. In hindsight I probably should find a way to ask for this so that it doesn't make him defensive that it's all about what and why he is doing. What it really is about is how I'm feeling. I just don't think we can have a meaningful conversation about this. I think we need a referee or someone who can keep us on point and help us navigate through this. He just got really uptight about this as if marriage counseling = divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The co-worker is based in another country and is taking some time off before returning during which I'll get to feel my way around. I viewed her as a mentor and she really helped me improve my professional skills and raise my visibility. So some of this hurts on a personal level. I wanted to avoid hitting this head-on in an e-mail and tried to ring her this morning. I finally got her to respond to me when I sent her a heart-felt e-mail about how I wanted to let her know before she left what I great mentor she has been. She promised to try to set up a call next week or the following week so maybe I can get some answers.

On DH, I told him last night I wanted to see a marriage counselor to try to get our issues on the table. He got pretty defensive about it and made me regret bringing it up altogether. In hindsight I probably should find a way to ask for this so that it doesn't make him defensive that it's all about what and why he is doing. What it really is about is how I'm feeling. I just don't think we can have a meaningful conversation about this. I think we need a referee or someone who can keep us on point and help us navigate through this. He just got really uptight about this as if marriage counseling = divorce.

OP, I am not blaming you for these situations, but go back and read your posts. Do you see a pattern in the way you are behaving? To me, it appears that you are overanalyzing situations as they appear to you, without getting the facts first. This can be a major communication problem, both at the office and at home.