If you throw a baby or wedding shower, are you also expected to give a gift?

[Anonymous]

I am throwing a shower for a friend of mine. We are not too close, but most of her family and friends are out of town and I thought it would be nice to throw her a shower here in town for her local friends.

I have spent quite a bit of money so far (more than I would have spent on a gift if I went to her shower) on the party itself. I don't mind, but some of her friends are going in on a gift together and asked me to go in with them. I feel pressured to do so because they want to get a particular item and basically need my contribution to get it.

I wasn't going to get my friend anything - I sort of felt that the party was my gift to her - but now am wondering if etiquette calls for me also giving her a shower gift.

TIA

[Anonymous]

I just threw a baby shower, and I definitely understand about the costs adding up! I would not go in on a group gift, but I would still buy the mom-to-be something small. A couple of onesies are cheap, cute and always appreciated. I think I spent about $30 on a gift, but I would have felt fine spending even less.

[Anonymous]

Don't give in to her friends. They should just be thankful that you are spending so much time and money on the shower. They can get her something less expensive without your contribution. When I hosted a baby shower, I bought a very small gift for my friend, but you don't have to. An outfit, a book, etc. would be a good choice if you decide to get something.

[Anonymous]

Your gift IS the shower but you can certainly get her something small IF YOU WANT. I certainly didn't expect gifts from my hostesses but one of them (my best friend) also got me something from my registry.

[Anonymous]

yes a gift is expected from the host.

[Anonymous]

I have thrown bridal and baby showers and of course I always buy a gift. I kind of can't believe you would think of doing anything else!

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP, just tell them you already bought a gift so you can't go in on the group gift. Then go buy something small.

[Anonymous]

The shower is your gift, but I would still get the bride/mom something small.

[Anonymous]

I concur with declining the group gift and giving her a small gift on the side - perhaps your fav children's book or a mama bee from burt's bees gift set.

[Anonymous]

I personally would give a gift and have given a gift at a shower I hosted. I think I would just feel weird not giving anything at all to be opened by the honoree! I would say that you should get something smaller and not go crazy since you have spent money on the shower though! You can find really awesome things for under $10 that would be cute and/or useful -- a board book, a cute stuffed animal, a cute onesie that has a special meaning to the mom, etc!

However, for my baby shower two friends jointly hosted and neither of them got me a gift. My sis lives out of town so I didn't have any family to host and they offered which was very kind! It was a bit strange to open all the gifts and not have anything at all from them and I could tell that the other girls noticed since a few were asking if there were anymore gifts, etc. It's not like I necessarily needed more stuff but I guess it seemed a bit strange that there was no gift at all particularly since they are both pretty well to do (DC lawyer with huge house in the burbs) so I don't think it was a money thing really. It was also a bit akward then when I gave each of them a nice hostess gift as my thank you to them (I think they then felt weird that they had not gotten me a gift!) Oh well, I loved my shower and the gift thing was a no big deal you are a nice friend for offering to host either way!

[Anonymous]

The shower is your gift!

[Anonymous]

Yes, you still give a gift. Maybe not as big but you still do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP, just tell them you already bought a gift so you can't go in on the group gift. Then go buy something small.

I agree with this and agree you can get something pretty small; order something from Etsy so you have the cache of something special/handmade, while not needing to spend a lot. It sounds like you have already been very generous! If the rest of the group has something big they want to buy, how many people are chipping in for it? They can all just add a little more to their individual contributions and get the item; don't let them feel like they *need* you to contribute or else they can't get it. Of course they can get it! What they mean is that they don't want to have to spend more money, but it sounds like you've done way more than your share already. Don't give it a second thought and tell them you already got her something else. Stand firm!