DH doesn't want to have sex

[Anonymous]

Needed to do some venting here....I'm almost 8 months pregnant and about two weeks ago my husband decided that he no longer wanted us to have sex, as he was afraid of hurting me or the baby, even though it has been explained to him many times that it's completely normal and even beneficial at times. Anyway, I thought I was going to be fine with his decision, but I can't help my hormones and the casual need for being intimate with my husband. I joked about getting a vibrator, while being totally serious about it (wanted to see his reaction). He got very upset and said that it would be very disrespectful of me to do that to my unborn child. I just don't know if I can last that long, and I keep reminding him that we won't be able to be intimate after birth for another 10+ weeks. What to do....? Should I really feel guilty about using a vibrator if it really comes down to it? Ugh

Oh, and there are no other problems in our marriage...i.e. no cheating, no fighting...just this big belly weirdness.

[Anonymous]

I think it is normal for a man to be a little frightened of hurting mom or baby. That does not make it right or less hurtful to you but I can understand how he would be adverse to having a huge bump between he and you. Please don't take it personally. My DH asked at an appt if he were going to hurt the baby and even though he was told that he wouldn't hurt baby, he was terrified to have sex.

I spoke to the dr privately about this as my feelings were crushed that he did not want to have sex and I was told it is normal and ok. Does not mean he does not love you and does not mean he is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Same here -- my husband hasn't wanted to for a while. He insists that the doctor can't know whether it would hurt the baby or not and that he doesn't want to take the risk. I'm just dealing with it -- I certainly don't want to force him. Or do I ...?

[Anonymous]

Well, if he fears penetration might hurt the baby, SURELY there are some other creative things that can be done to ensure both gratification and intimacy...

And on the idea that a vibrator is disrespectful to the baby...this baby needs a happy, healthy mom, so if a vibrator is what it takes to get that, how can it be disrspectful?

[zumbamama]

you have needs. it's not disrespectful to take care of them...you are human! Hunger, thirst, and sex are all controlled by the same part of the brain...and if your body is telling you to have sex...that's what it needs. It is stress relief—and if you go without it, you could end up grouchy and frustrated...not good for baby, mama or papa!

[Anonymous]

my DH felt the same way but he's gotten over it. of course i'm still only 5 months so who knows how it will be down the road.

i agree with the ladies ... there are definitely ways of taking care of your needs without DH ... and without a vibrator too, if he is really opposed to it.

Women have been having sex while pregnant for a zillion years and i haven't heard it hurting anything yet. But I understand where the poor guys are coming from. My DH at first was completely weirded out, not because he thought he would hurt the baby but because of the idea of a little stranger along for the ride

[Anonymous]

I'm 7 months post partum and went through the same thing last year with raging fairmones doing their thing and DH not wanting to have "a third person" in the room!! They all go through it. You'll be fine. Hang in there. And the vibrator might not be a bad idea. I very nearly almost got one myself!

[Anonymous]

Why do you think some babies have the cutest little dimples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think some babies have the cutest little dimples?

LOL, but this may not help the OP.

I feel for you. I was lucky with pg #1 and now with #2 DH loves my growing belly and loves to get it on when we can distract the 2 yo for long enough. I also have a vibrator and I mainly use, but we play with together. If we are in a a real hurry, sometimes we just lay next to each other in bed and he uses my "toy" on my and I give him a helping hand! Maybe he would be willing to try something like that since there doesn't have to be any penetration.

My DH also thought it was a fun challenge trying to figure out positions as my belly got bigger and bigger. We got pretty creative with the last pg! Good luck and if all else fails you always have your shower head!

[Anonymous]

I can relate. When I was pregnant with my DD (who is now 2), my husband did not want to have sex with me, either. The first few months of pregnancy were fine and we used to have sex regularly, but once my belly started growing, he did not want anything to do with me. I did not get a vibrator or anything like that, but the fact that he did not want to have intercourse with me hurt my feelings. As soon as our daughter was born, he was counting the days to have sex again Do not take it personal, I am sure he thinks you look beautiful with your belly, but he is just afraid of hurting you or the baby. Good luck!

[zumbamama]

maybe she can give her DH an aphrodisiac. Oysters? Wine? Cinnamon? Anyone know of any others?

[Anonymous]

zumbamama wrote:maybe she can give her DH an aphrodisiac. Oysters? Wine? Cinnamon? Anyone know of any others?

Good suggestion!

[Anonymous]

Speaking of aphrodisiacs, are there any porn films with pregnant actresses?

[Anonymous]

PP - It's a whole genre. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Should I really feel guilty about using a vibrator if it really comes down to it? NO!! OMG! If he is unwilling to satisfy you, then you should be allowed to satisfy yourself. You are not DOING anything to the baby for goodness sakes!!

It's possible he is not sexually attracted to you during this phase of your pregnancy, but he may not want to admit that. Just let it go and see if things pick up after the baby is born and you are back to your normal pre-PG shape.

BTW, there is nothing wrong with using a vibrator if you want to, whether you are 8 months PG or not. It is not disrespectful. Is he willing to go the next 3-4 months without gratifying himself either? If not, then he should not expect you to do so. Totally unfair and sexist if he does insist on it.