Competitive Grandmas

[Anonymous]

DH and I are expecting our first baby in just a few weeks. This will be the first grandchild for both sides of the family. Recently, the grandmas seem to have become obsessed with making sure they are the "favorite" grandma. Our moms got along wonderfully in the wedding planning process, so we are not sure where this is coming from now. The upshot of all of this is that our house is rapidly filling with toys and other non-practical items that we do not need. For example, one grandma recently bought us two very large toys that are more appropriate for a 2-3 year old. We refused to accept them because we live in a small space with no extra storage and simply have no room to keep them at the moment. Grandma flipped out on us and accused us of trying to stack the chips in favor of the other grandma. (For the record, we have refused things from the other grandma too.) Both grandmas will be here next weekend for our baby shower, and we would like to have a frank coversation with both of them about grandma expectations, giving them both equal time with grandchild, etc. My DH has also been searching for a book on being a grandma that has practical advice on how to develop a relationship with your grandchild that doesn't involve showing up with a toy. I know they mean well, but we'd like to end the competition and excessive toy-buying before our little one arrives and it spins even more out of control. Thanks in advance for advice (and any book recommendations!).

[Anonymous]

Telll them to put the money they want to spend on toys into a college fund and you will make sure who ever's fund is the largest by the time college comes around will win the "Favorite Grandma" contest.

Seriously, try this and, if they each have a sense of humor, they will hopefully get how silly their behavior is...

[Anonymous]

Okay, that's hilarious. I like the PP's idea about the best college fund!!

[Anonymous]

In all seriousness I wish you the best of luck. Mine was also the first on both sides and now my second is the second on both sides. While the grandmothers are not as upfront about wanting to be the favorite as yours are, there is definite competition. Our mothers get along well and like each other, so like you we are luck in that respect, but there is a definite competition. We just got back from the beach with my mom and now my MIL wants to take us next summer because she wants to 'see the girls having so much fun'. It doesn't matter how equal you try to make things, in terms of visits and shared experiences, nothing will ever be exactly equal and someone will always feel left out. I think the best you can do is try to ensure that the same person isn't always feeling left out and also do what is best for you and your family, since no one else will ever be happy.

[Anonymous]

If you can't get them to shake the idea that love is a competition, you can at least set rules about how you want the child raised, namely:

1. That a child should not be spoiled by an excess of material items, and

2. Grandparents must respect parents' rules regarding what children are allowed to eat or do.

I do hope you can get through to them on the competition angle. But you have a right not to end up with spoiled brats, and competition or not, grandparents should accept that.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 11:26. I'm a Grandma, but, as with children/siblings, you can never really make everything the same, so a frank discussion with grandparents about expectations and the fact that you will try to give them equal access to DGC, within boundaries you are comfortable with, may help. Getting the gift-buying under control needs to come sooner rather than later. You already know you don't want to set your kids up to be expecting such largesse forever, and gifts get more expensive as kids get older.

My Grandmother started a savings account for me (in addition to small gifts) when I was very young that was specifically for the purpose of sending me to Europe. I ended up putting extra baby-sitting money in it, and cash gifts and it did, indeed pay for a summer in Europe when I was in college. But, it also set me up to expect to go to Europe, not a bad dream. Thanks, Grandma.

Below, is a book on parenting and consumerism that might be useful and a link to a salon.com article/interview with the author about parenting then and now. Not all bad then, not all good now. Grandparents and parents alike may find it balanced.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2008/03/29/parenting_inc/print.html

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0805082492/ref=sib_dp_ptu#reader-link

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback! Hopefully the conversation will go well next week. I felt terrible that we had to resort to refusing gifts (causing the one grandma to cry) but we really and truly don't have the space! Also, I agree with everyone that we don't want our kids to end up spoiled-- or to equate every visit from grandma with getting a present. Honestly, I am frustrated with both at the moment because I just want to relax and prepare myself for the birth and I am aggravated that they are causing DH and I so much drama. Neither set of parents has a ton of extra money, and what they really need to do is save for their own retirement.

[Anonymous]

One thing to remeber is to allow them to be grandparents - and grandparents are allowed to spoil their grandchildren if they chose to.

A girlfriend had a conversation with her mother about limiting the stuff that the grandmother was purchasing - and the grandmother broke down crying saying that they were not allowing her to be a grandmother. Of course this assumes that they have the means and are not going broke int he process.


Since my mom / inlaws are going to purchase things anyway, I always have a list of things that my children need so that they are welcome to use that as guidance. (Fall winter PJs, socks and other things that are not so sexy are on the list)

[Anonymous]

The kids will pick a favorite, if warranted, and it will be based on who plays with them after the toy is purchased.

We're drowning in stuff here, but he's made it clear who he loves best.

[Anonymous]

Oh, PP here -

You are going to hurt their feelings and make them cry no matter what you do (that's one of the sucky things about having grandparents around). There are divorces and remarriages in my parent's generation, so you can imagine the competition....

There's a difference between being intentionally hurtful and saying things that are truthful, said with love, but hurt to hear. If you make sure you stay in the latter category, you are being good children and good parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing to remeber is to allow them to be grandparents - and grandparents are allowed to spoil their grandchildren if they chose to.

A girlfriend had a conversation with her mother about limiting the stuff that the grandmother was purchasing - and the grandmother broke down crying saying that they were not allowing her to be a grandmother. Of course this assumes that they have the means and are not going broke int he process.


Since my mom / inlaws are going to purchase things anyway, I always have a list of things that my children need so that they are welcome to use that as guidance. (Fall winter PJs, socks and other things that are not so sexy are on the list)

I disagree with this. Grandparents need to reinforce the values that are important to a child's development. You can find a million ways to love a child without spoiling them. DS's grandparents have had plenty of opportunity to drown DS in gifts, but they have not felt the need to do it.

[Anonymous]

One other take on this, OP: be a teensy bit grateful that they're doing this.

My child was born after my siblings had theirs. The largesse was unbelievable for those first five kids. The novelty had worn off by the time my son was born -- and no one is vying to be his favorite granny.

[Anonymous]

I can so relate. My daughter was the first GC on both sides. My husband is an only child and at the time NO ONE thought my sibling would get married or have children. My daughter was also the first great grandchild. It was like the christ child was being born. My parents are well off. MIL is comfortable, but far more limited than my parents. MIL fancied herself the family matriarch as her mother was. She assumed that now with GC she would fill the role that her mother did. All day Sunday dinners, all holidays, deference to her childrearing techniques...whatever. She assumed she would be at the hospital in the delivery room with us. And we had the war of the stuff on top of that. Frankly, MIL cannot compete in the war of the stuff. We asked her to buy clothes -- which she loves to do -- and my mom is a terrible clothes buyer so that has become her thing. I never limit her bday shopping or christmas shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: We asked her to buy clothes -- which she loves to do -- and my mom is a terrible clothes buyer so that has become her thing. I never limit her bday shopping or christmas shopping.

We have very limited space too and we have a similar situation where my parents have more limited means and my in-laws not only have more to spend but for my MIL it is a dream come true of having girls to shop for. Clothes are something we always need. I hate to shop so it is wonderful that this is something my MIL is willing to get for the girls. Over time she also asks what things the girls need so we will say something like oh the girls are really into wearing skirts or that our youngest loves tops in blue. The grandparents like to take them shoe shopping too i.e. for a pair of sandals for the summer. Every so often we will get a big toy but they know we don't have a ton of space and will usually run it by us before bringing it in. We also worry about the expectations that every time Grandparents visit that there will be a gift. With the clothes, I tend to thank my in-laws and don't usually show the girls the clothes right then. At first, I made a big deal about my daughter knowing this is the skirt grandma got for you etc. However, she has such a good memory that then when my mom would visit she would mention how her other grandma got this shirt, that pants etc. and it made my mom feel bad. But back to the gift giving - with the girls being 2 and 3 - we like when the on the spot gifts are something like crayon and a notebook or a book. The girls love it and they don't take up much room, and they aren't that expensive. The other thing is I think now that the girls are older and can do more things, both sets of grandparents realize it is the experiences that make it fun - like my MIL may have taken our girls to their first carousel ride or my mom took them to their first Church service or they go on walks or to the playground with their grandparents. I don't know if I ever really felt like I had one on one time/activities with my grandparents. The other thing is when my mom would visit she would encourage us to go to the movies or go out to dinner and have some alone time. I realize now that it IS different for her to be with the kids and for us to be out versus us being in the house with her. Not only are we getting some alone time which is a wonderful gift from my mom, but she is getting to bond with her grandkids in a way she couldn't if we were around and she had to follow our lead.

[Anonymous]

We have that here too. My parents went to the beach at the same time we did a few years ago and every since then MIL has wanted to go to the beach with us. She hates hot weather and doesn't like sand, but she can't stand missing out on something. Never mind that there are things we do with the ILs that we don't do with my parents and visa versa. And the level of stuff is staggering. I ask them to buy clothes and books whenever they ask what the kids need. We still end up in plastic toy hell.