What does “get your finances in order” mean?

[Anonymous]

You need to see an atty and make a plan. He's already told you he wants to divorce. Of course, you have to do your part-but you don't have to let him screw you over. You need to protect you and your child's future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s living in La La land if he thinks his $150k income is going to comfortably finance his mid-life fantasies. Is there an affair? Prepare for him to fight tooth and nail and plan accordingly. This is not the time to play nice.

He'll get child support, which will help.

[Anonymous]

Be smarter than you are being right now - you can be more strategic and active and work to gain the outcome you want. YOU ARE QUITE THERE.

Talk to a lawyer. Understand your rights. But, when it comes down to it, really try hard to avoid this becoming a legal situation. Try to keep it amicable and agree to split things yourselves. try to avoid spending money you don't need to spend (but spend some money in advance so you go in smart and know how this all goes).

Take the inheritance out of any discussions immediately. Never ever mention it to your soon to be x.

If he's approached things as fair - your money vs his money - try to keep his phrasing, use his words, to get the outcome you want (walking away without having to give up your savings or any of your future earnings).

Try and wrap this up quickly. Often the spouse who is leaving will want things to wrap up quickly and may be more agreeable (he may also feel a little guilty) - use that to your advantage.

Getting your affairs in order means knowing all your accounts, all your alances, what each of you brought into the marriage, and your policies, all the joint info - logins, passwords, etc. Start tracking money carefully and make sure nothing is disappearing from joint accounts.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind you can do two thing at once.

On the one hand, prep as people have suggested (LAWYER!) and "get your finances in order."

On the other hand, do what you need to do in terms of your marriage. try couseling, try a separation, mourn your marriage, support your child. Give him a little freedom for his lovely life, but also take time away - go away for the weekend and have him recognize what custody on his own time will be like, solo parenting for the weekend. There's a theory that you shouldn't cling onto the marriage. You go a little private, a little pulled way, make him wonder what you are up to, and maybe, who knows, this will be temporary and he will find his way back (where you may or may not decide to keep working on the marriage). Let it be uncomfortable for him, don't rescue him, let him see what it would be like.

But while you are doing all that, prepare like crazy for a potential divorce and protect yourself, your assets, and your child.

[Anonymous]

Get an attorney, work out a marital settlement agreement in accordance with the law and what is fair to both sides, and for God sakes avoid litigation at all costs other than the bare minimum. Plan on 50/50 custody as the default. Get your MSA wrapped up and then do an uncontested divorce. The biggest threat to your finances and his are out of control legal fees. If you have things you can't work out get a qualified mediator acceptable to both sides who should be able to help you resolve everything within a few hours of mediation. Well worth the cost. You will need appraisals for any real estate artwork collectibles etc. Get all your financial records together and organized as far back as you can. Try to keep emotions out of it, they lead to higha attorneys fees. --retired attonrney

[Anonymous]

Mid-Life Crises (MLC): many of us on this thread with spouses ages 40-55 are dealing with it.

This MLC version (no cheating, not gay, nothing happened) is the thing. Aguy who already was put first by his fam needs to put his "happiness," "path" "self" first. These are low sex-drive, balding men with guts who want to feel "young" again.

My experience:

1. You can do something different than 50/50. If you are not at risk for government assistance and it is reasonable, you can waive child/spousal support.

2. MLC men do not want 50/50 child custody. They miss their visitation as it interferes with his ability to "pursue" his own path/happiness/adventure. While he was not a bad guy, he is NOT that same guy. MLC dads suddenly decide that they did enough/"too much" already and cut off the kids, too.

3. MLC men do not want to give/take child support. He may owe you money because he won't be taking custody, but he won't pay it. They become that selfish.

4. MLC men do not want YOUR retirement or YOUR inheritance or ANY "grown-up" heavy responsibilities. They want "freedom" and a "clean path". You are giving him a GIFT by offering to keep the house and the mortgage, all the investments and figuring out those decisions, and all the savings. He gets to start anew and relive his youth.

5. MLC men do NOT get better unless THEY (not you or the kids) get sick, hurt, or have a major IRL crisis (e.g., get a girl pregnant, screw up somehow). Get you and your kid in therapy and journal. Do not date or "escape." "Pursue my own path" dad is going to put your kid #0 and that kid deserves to be #1 so that is on you. Be there for the kid, even if they don't appreciate it or understand it. You can sleep at night and hopefully will end up with kids who are in healthy relationships and have good grandkids -- stop the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid-Life Crises (MLC): many of us on this thread with spouses ages 40-55 are dealing with it.

This MLC version (no cheating, not gay, nothing happened) is the thing. Aguy who already was put first by his fam needs to put his "happiness," "path" "self" first. These are low sex-drive, balding men with guts who want to feel "young" again.

My experience:

1. You can do something different than 50/50. If you are not at risk for government assistance and it is reasonable, you can waive child/spousal support.

2. MLC men do not want 50/50 child custody. They miss their visitation as it interferes with his ability to "pursue" his own path/happiness/adventure. While he was not a bad guy, he is NOT that same guy. MLC dads suddenly decide that they did enough/"too much" already and cut off the kids, too.

3. MLC men do not want to give/take child support. He may owe you money because he won't be taking custody, but he won't pay it. They become that selfish.

4. MLC men do not want YOUR retirement or YOUR inheritance or ANY "grown-up" heavy responsibilities. They want "freedom" and a "clean path". You are giving him a GIFT by offering to keep the house and the mortgage, all the investments and figuring out those decisions, and all the savings. He gets to start anew and relive his youth.

5. MLC men do NOT get better unless THEY (not you or the kids) get sick, hurt, or have a major IRL crisis (e.g., get a girl pregnant, screw up somehow). Get you and your kid in therapy and journal. Do not date or "escape." "Pursue my own path" dad is going to put your kid #0 and that kid deserves to be #1 so that is on you. Be there for the kid, even if they don't appreciate it or understand it. You can sleep at night and hopefully will end up with kids who are in healthy relationships and have good grandkids -- stop the cycle.

Deranged PP enters the chat..

[Anonymous]

It means get a good lawyer to represent your interests. Your long term goals. What he likely meant could be many things from amicable to hmmm…

Everything is negotiable. Get your finances in order, all written agreements and contracts and get a lawyer.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It also means make a different will so that if you die, he doesn't get your assets.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be smarter than you are being right now - you can be more strategic and active and work to gain the outcome you want. YOU ARE QUITE THERE.

Talk to a lawyer. Understand your rights. But, when it comes down to it, really try hard to avoid this becoming a legal situation. Try to keep it amicable and agree to split things yourselves. try to avoid spending money you don't need to spend (but spend some money in advance so you go in smart and know how this all goes).

Take the inheritance out of any discussions immediately. Never ever mention it to your soon to be x.

If he's approached things as fair - your money vs his money - try to keep his phrasing, use his words, to get the outcome you want (walking away without having to give up your savings or any of your future earnings).

Try and wrap this up quickly. Often the spouse who is leaving will want things to wrap up quickly and may be more agreeable (he may also feel a little guilty) - use that to your advantage.

Getting your affairs in order means knowing all your accounts, all your alances, what each of you brought into the marriage, and your policies, all the joint info - logins, passwords, etc. Start tracking money carefully and make sure nothing is disappearing from joint accounts.

OP, there are so many good nuggets in here.