My 16 year old daughter is extremely immature

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

She can go straight from child to adult. Teen is a contemporary invention. Shes fine.

Totally false. The reason failure to launch kids are such a big problem nowadays is due to this. Teen years are when kids learn to be adults, not act like they’re still 5. If they don’t learn the skills, they won’t be self sufficient adults.

You can learn all of those things without being teenagers. Yeah kids change some when they become teens, but you can still be a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

She can go straight from child to adult. Teen is a contemporary invention. Shes fine.

+1 teen years usually suck anyway, and alot of teens are miserable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

Do you have the funds to give her a summer experience with peers? Go learn to scuba dive somewhere, become a camp counselor, teen tour, service trip etc? I feel like she is stuck with all these little kids constantly and needs to be pushed out of her comfort zone, playing in the backyard and watching TV is not acceptable at this age. It would benefit her to spend more time with peers and I think a real break away from the house entirely would be a great growth opportunity for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

It's time to send her to sleep away camp, or send her out to volunteer (with kids if she likes), or even babysitting other kids.

[Anonymous]

I think there’s been a lot of misunderstanding here. Our family dynamic isn’t relevant to this issue, but it seems the focus has been on that. She refuses to learn to cook or take on other adult responsibilities, like holding a job or going anywhere independently. She hasn’t been “parentified” in any meaningful way, and I feel that term is being overused.

I’m not putting her on my level—she’s only responsible for herself, not her siblings. While I handle tasks like meal planning, she is capable of doing these things if needed. I’ve given her significant attention and support over the years. We spend a lot of time shopping, just me and her.

Regarding friendships, she doesn’t currently have close friends at school, but she has had friends/acquaintances she could interact with over time:
Kindergarten–1st grade: She had a best friend.
2nd grade: We switched schools and She mainly had acquaintances.
3rd–8th grade: She had a best friend with whom she did everything together. (The friend recently moved back to the area, and my daughter doesn’t want to hang out with her.)
High school: She doesn’t have close friends, only about three acquaintances.

She also had a neighborhood friend a year younger than her from around age 7 to 13. When that friend moved, they lost contact. Even after the friend returned to the area, she wasn’t interested in hanging out with teens.
Additionally, she had three friends through church:

One friend in 4th–5th grade at her first church.
Two friends after we moved to a different church in 5th–6th grade, but she lost contact with them afterward.

Over the years, she’s had around six friends in total and several acquaintances, including groups in middle school with her best friend and a few in upper elementary. The other kids in the group were friend with her 3rd-8th grade friend.

She does do activities in school.

[Anonymous]

A lot of growing up can happen in the next two years before she needs to launch.

You absolutely need to stop cutting her food and plating her food. If she asks for help with something you know she’s capable of, you can (and should) tell her to figure it out herself.

I bet she’ll be a great early childhood teacher or run a fabulous summer camp. Lean into her strengths. She doesn’t have to be like everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

How can she possibly NOT know how to cut a slice of meatloaf and then put that slice ON HER PLATE? How does she NOT know how to take a spoonful of rice and put that on her plate? How can she NOT know how to take salad tongs and put some salad in her bowl? Don't ASK her to figure it out - TELL her. Why didn't you tell her to get a job? Like, a real one. Again, you are the problem here. Be the adult and raise your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s been a lot of misunderstanding here. Our family dynamic isn’t relevant to this issue, but it seems the focus has been on that. She refuses to learn to cook or take on other adult responsibilities, like holding a job or going anywhere independently. She hasn’t been “parentified” in any meaningful way, and I feel that term is being overused.

I’m not putting her on my level—she’s only responsible for herself, not her siblings. While I handle tasks like meal planning, she is capable of doing these things if needed. I’ve given her significant attention and support over the years. We spend a lot of time shopping, just me and her.

Regarding friendships, she doesn’t currently have close friends at school, but she has had friends/acquaintances she could interact with over time:
Kindergarten–1st grade: She had a best friend.
2nd grade: We switched schools and She mainly had acquaintances.
3rd–8th grade: She had a best friend with whom she did everything together. (The friend recently moved back to the area, and my daughter doesn’t want to hang out with her.)
High school: She doesn’t have close friends, only about three acquaintances.

She also had a neighborhood friend a year younger than her from around age 7 to 13. When that friend moved, they lost contact. Even after the friend returned to the area, she wasn’t interested in hanging out with teens.
Additionally, she had three friends through church:

One friend in 4th–5th grade at her first church.
Two friends after we moved to a different church in 5th–6th grade, but she lost contact with them afterward.

Over the years, she’s had around six friends in total and several acquaintances, including groups in middle school with her best friend and a few in upper elementary. The other kids in the group were friend with her 3rd-8th grade friend.

She does do activities in school.

Oh no. This is exactly what I feared. She doesn’t have friends. I was sort of like this but no younger siblings. When you don’t have friends, you do tend to act younger. I used to babysit a lot and I loved playing with kids too. I was very naive. My mother was very anxious, controlling and did not provide opportunities where I could develop more independence. For example, she didn’t teach me to cook or do any chores. I was on zero activities outside of school where I could have expanded my friend group or learned some skills.

Is there anxiety involved with your daughter?

I would say help her be more independent this summer by:

Having her make her own breakfast and lunch. Plating her own meals.

[Anonymous]

Take her to go see a therapist. This isn’t typical teenage behavior. It’s abnormal and odd. My cousin had a daughter like this. She was 15 and still played outside regularly and would climb into her parents bed at night. My cousin didn’t seek help for her daughter, and thought it was just a phase/sweet, and now her daughter is in her late 20s, and lives at home, and does nothing all day but eat, sleep, watch tv, play with stuffed animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her to go see a therapist. This isn’t typical teenage behavior. It’s abnormal and odd. My cousin had a daughter like this. She was 15 and still played outside regularly and would climb into her parents bed at night. My cousin didn’t seek help for her daughter, and thought it was just a phase/sweet, and now her daughter is in her late 20s, and lives at home, and does nothing all day but eat, sleep, watch tv, play with stuffed animals.

Do you know how many parents wished their teenaged kids played outside?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take her to go see a therapist. This isn’t typical teenage behavior. It’s abnormal and odd. My cousin had a daughter like this. She was 15 and still played outside regularly and would climb into her parents bed at night. My cousin didn’t seek help for her daughter, and thought it was just a phase/sweet, and now her daughter is in her late 20s, and lives at home, and does nothing all day but eat, sleep, watch tv, play with stuffed animals.

Do you know how many parents wished their teenaged kids played outside?

There isn’t anything inherently wrong with teenagers playing outside, but when it becomes their main activity and they act childish, it becomes a problem. This doesn’t get better on its own, and might get worse. It sounds like her daughter is already rejecting adulthood, getting a job, which is why I suggested therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it would be logical to try to be less weirded out by the "baby" behavior and focus on helping her develop age-appropriate skills. She can learn how to do her own hair, for example. She can plate her own food. If she says, "I don't know how" your role here is to say "put some of each kind of food on the plate and go sit down" and then let her learn.

If she likes playing with younger kids and engaging in play, that's maybe kind of weird in that other kids her age are up to really different stuff. But the main issue sounds to me like YOU would be more comfortable if she was interested in dating and styling her hair. Stop trying to make her grow up faster than she's ready. It is fine that she's not interested in teenager stuff and teenager culture. There are definitely ways to "teen" in a healthy way, but a lot of it is really toxic and damaging. You are better with a permanent American Girl phase than an early Euphoria phase, in my opinion as someone else with a 16yo daughter.

[Anonymous]

"I trust her to babysit her younger siblings (10-year-old daughter, 7-year-old son, and 5-year-old daughter, for hours at a time. She keeps them safe, supervises them outside, makes sure they cross streets properly, and handles situations calmly."

A 16 year old watching 3 children is a lot! Supervising them outside no less. You need to recognize the work your DD does

[Anonymous]

Are all your younger children her full siblings? You may think it’s irrelevant, but blended families can mess kids up in unusual ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s been a lot of misunderstanding here. Our family dynamic isn’t relevant to this issue

Well, since you know what's up why are you asking DCUM? The fact that there is near universal agreement that your family dynamic has an impact should tell you something.

Some of what you say doesn't add up- she is responsible enough to watch and take young siblings out, and she can meal plan but she can't plate food or cook? That makes no sense. It does sound like behavior that a teen might exhibit who feels she didn't get enough attention from parents or was pushed out of "baby" too soon. My oldest definitely felt that she didn't get her fair share and still wanted tuck ins on college break, for example.

Holding onto a childlike sense of whimsy that co-exists with developing life skills is a good thing. I wouldn't put her down for that. But I think she probably needs less sibling responsibility, more parent attention, and a therapist to talk with about why she doesn't have friends. It is very unusual for a teen not to have at least a couple of close friends. She may have anxiety or she may have missed out on important development because she was overly entrenched at home. I'm not going to use the parentifying word here, although it's a possibility. It's also possible to just not realize that your kid is overly entrenched in home life and needs scaffolding to build an exterior social life.

I know you don't want to hear that you or your family are part of the equation, but families usually are. This doesn't mean you are terrible parents but it means you need to put the brakes on now and course correct.