How to stop being the nag?

[Anonymous]

Your husband has to do more of the hard, nagging stuff. Figure out what you can lop off and hand over to him. Make sure you, DH, and DS have a shared phone calendar so everyone knows what’s on the schedule.

Getting an executive functioning coach is a good idea. It’ll take some pressure off you and make it clear to your son that this is his thing to work on, not your thing to chase him around about.

[Anonymous]

This is me! I feel you all the way. Totally me with ADHD but something else besides dyslexia. I do the IEP and advocating. I do sports and other activities. Same for my other child (minus the IEP).

It is so hard and exhausting.

I have no answers. I don’t want him to fail. I want to teachers to notice him.

I try to speak calmly but I not super good at it all the time. He talks back to me.

I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I am leaning more into the hands off. It’s SO frustrating, and you put in so much freaking work. And that work is somehow simultaneously invisible AND resented.
It’s not fair. Not fair at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dynamic between my freshman son and me is all stress -- meanwhile his dad is mr. fun/coach/sports guy. I am the one who fields academic stuff, paperwork, deals with his tutor, camp or sports sign-ups, reminds him when he has 10 missing assignments in powerschool, manages his IEP (he is dyslexic/adhd). Today he forgot he was staying for extra help for math and came in bewildered on his bike. His teacher emailed me asking where he was. I lost it. I just got so frustrated and screamed at him while driving him back to school.
I try to do less and let him fail on his own but it also does result in worse grades, missed deadlines, etc. My husband says he's "happy to help" but that will take delegation and direction - he's not the default logistician and point of contact. My son then told me he associates our whole relationship with stress, that I need to care less, and that his dad makes everyhting fun and I just began crying and crying because I do so much - work hard - try to give my kids a good life nad I feel like I failed at my one job. I am 47, perimenopausal, work full time, have an elderly mother in need of assisted living, I have another kid, I am just DONE and feel taken for granted.

I can tell you that you are not alone. We have the same dynamic. It's really hard. I have to do breath work to get through some days with my ADHD high school boy. On the outside, he looks like he is thriving, but in reality, he has a very involved mom who doesn't let him forget his schoolwork, and who literally has to supervise him making his bed and brushing his teeth every morning. I'm sooooo tired. I kind of want to get a divorce after he leaves and just live happily ever after in peaceful solitude for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think your freshman son isn't also hormonal? You think he appreciates being screamed at? Has it occurred to you that he spends all day surrounded by OTHER hormonal teens and then comes home to his stressed out perimenopausal mother who is stressed about his grandparent? Why aren't you letting him fail? Get the bad grades? Because he won't get into a good college? But you can't go with him to college. Let him get into an easier college where he can succeed. Tell his teachers to STOP reaching out to you when he doesn't show up for his extra help. They can reach out to him or call him out for it when they see him the next day

Teach him when his schedule will be out of the norm (like staying late for extra help) to set an alarm on his phone that reminds him what he's supposed to do. And then drop that rope.

I agree with this. Well said.

[Anonymous]

Boy moms are next level. The amount of work mothers put in, helping their sons with assignments, reminding them to do work, saving them left and right. I have daughters who I stopping helping in early middle school. That’s the time to make mistakes. That’s the time for crappy grades and hard lessons and forgotten sports equipment. 9th grade isn’t too late. Let him be. He will be happier, become more responsible, have agency and grow more confident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy moms are next level. The amount of work mothers put in, helping their sons with assignments, reminding them to do work, saving them left and right. I have daughters who I stopping helping in early middle school. That’s the time to make mistakes. That’s the time for crappy grades and hard lessons and forgotten sports equipment. 9th grade isn’t too late. Let him be. He will be happier, become more responsible, have agency and grow more confident.

I have both, and my daughter is so much easier to parent, at least from an academic perspective. The only time I help her is when she asks for help proactively. I've never had to remind her to turn in a school assignment. She's just on it and has been since preschool, when she was the teacher's pet, whereas my son is the kid who loses and forgets everything. I can't let him fail. DH doesn't want me to let him fail either, but it's not like he's putting in much work. This is probably good advice, but it's a lot easier to tell someone to drop the rope than to actually drop the rope on your child. My biggest fear is that he becomes a failure to launch, unable to support himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I would drop most of the scheduled activities and have a talk about trade school with him.
Because that is actually not a bad option. Seriously, even after he gets through college, what then with this organization skills deficit?
The licensed skilled trades pay very well actually.

You don’t think someone in the trades needs organizational skills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The dynamic between my freshman son and me is all stress -- meanwhile his dad is mr. fun/coach/sports guy. I am the one who fields academic stuff, paperwork, deals with his tutor, camp or sports sign-ups, reminds him when he has 10 missing assignments in powerschool, manages his IEP (he is dyslexic/adhd). Today he forgot he was staying for extra help for math and came in bewildered on his bike. His teacher emailed me asking where he was. I lost it. I just got so frustrated and screamed at him while driving him back to school.
I try to do less and let him fail on his own but it also does result in worse grades, missed deadlines, etc. My husband says he's "happy to help" but that will take delegation and direction - he's not the default logistician and point of contact. My son then told me he associates our whole relationship with stress, that I need to care less, and that his dad makes everyhting fun and I just began crying and crying because I do so much - work hard - try to give my kids a good life nad I feel like I failed at my one job. I am 47, perimenopausal, work full time, have an elderly mother in need of assisted living, I have another kid, I am just DONE and feel taken for granted.

I can tell you that you are not alone. We have the same dynamic. It's really hard. I have to do breath work to get through some days with my ADHD high school boy. On the outside, he looks like he is thriving, but in reality, he has a very involved mom who doesn't let him forget his schoolwork, and who literally has to supervise him making his bed and brushing his teeth every morning. I'm sooooo tired. I kind of want to get a divorce after he leaves and just live happily ever after in peaceful solitude for the rest of my life.

I could have written this.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten a lot of good advice in this thread. I will just add one thing (echoing something someone else said): you need to find somehting fun to do with your DS on a regular basis. If you've gotten into a habit of always taking charge of your other kid so your DH can be the sports parent with DS, that needs to change. You need to switch off regularly so your DH picks up your other kid from school or whatever while you get to go watch DS play and be there when his team wins. DH will resist but hold your ground.

But you should really find something for you and DS to do together. It can be a show you watch or Wednesday trip to the ice cream shop or whatever. Just something he enjoys that you can be a part of. It's really, really important to have some pleasant time with him. It will make a difference in all your interactions.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Parenting some kids is really hard.