DD, age 20, is very reluctant to learn to drive

[Anonymous]

What’s going on with this country’s youth?

Based on dcum posts, I’m surprised to learn that so many teens are too scared to drive and many 8 year olds are still wearing diapers.

[Anonymous]

This is why I am pushing my still a minor child to do it. I can see him in a precisely the same predicament!
Idk how much one can push a 20 yo but don’t pay for their uber!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s a worst case scenario: I have a relative, aged 40, who to this day hasn’t learned to drive and it’s seriously limited her opportunities in work, dating, and life.

Like a PP she grew up in NYC and lived in walkable cities - until a few years ago, when life circumstances brought her to a non-walkable suburb. Her life has become very small. Even though she would like a new job, she’s limited to fully remote options, which are not nearly as abundant as even a couple of years ago.

I would force the issue, frankly. It’s a basic life skill.

She could always learn, she's only 40. My parents had a friend who got his license at 65 (also NYC). I think he had one when young but it had been lapsed 40 odd years.

Learning is very hard past 30s. You are much more aware of the risk and danger, and inner ear viscosity means it feels worse.

As someone who learned at 36 I agree. Took me 10+ years to actually be comfortable behind the wheel and another couple years to actually enjoy it.
I still avoid big cities, narrow mountain roads, pedestrian areas as well as rental or other people’s cars altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have little respect for you or your daughter if she didn't learn this basic skill, a life skill.

I think it’s too harsh. As someone prone to anxiety who has a much less anxious but lazy teen, it’s so hard to always have to make him learn and do things.
There’s also this balance between being a tiger parent and a lax parent which is hard to strike in today’s society. Some say let them be they’ll learn when they needs it. Others say don’t let your lazy kid slack off.
Add to it the number of teens with all the invisible disabilities and there you have the perfect storm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 20 years old and very nervous about learning to drive. She needs to know how, in an emergency, and the driver's license in our country is basically our universal ID card. I think if she conquered her fears, her confidence would grow.
She passed the written test--hurray!--on her first try. But getting her behind the wheel has been very difficult ("I'm working...I'm tired...") and I don't know how hard to push it.

Where do you live? DD was late to get her license and she’s still not super comfortable driving so opts for public transporta

[Anonymous]

*opts for public transportation most of the time, but it was worth it for us for her to learn as a life skill and she is slooowly gaining confidence with it. We had her do additional lessons on the car with an instructor and it took a tremendous amount of effort and patience in our part. We got good at driving a little further out to practice on less busy roads. I’m glad we hung in there, but it has been a very long process.

[Anonymous]

Until I was 30 I was in environments almost exclusively serviced by great public transportation or being able to walk. I had an apartment about 2 miles from my grad school in a city and do not regret all the physical exercise I used to get.

But it did get impossible to not be driving once I I got married and we had kids. My in-laws gave us two of their cars as a wedding present (and just rolled themselves into new ones).

I have probably driven a million miles since then.

Only recently as a retired person have I gone to thinking that I can probably get by without a car at all as long as there's uber etc. Me? I'm OK. I don't need to necessarily go anywhere in person anymore. I get everything else delivered.

But, again, I'm old and know the deal.

Your 20 yo daughter will feel the lack of a license acutely if she's not already somewhere like NYC. I could never take my turn driving on road trips (I was gas money girl). I could never go out to do anything unless someone was picking me up and dropping me back home (that last one is a danger issue).

It gets harder and harder to get back on the horse once you put up resistance and dig in your heels.

Driving is a basic skill, like it or not.

In a true "emergency" people will drive for you. Also, if it's someone else's "emergency" there are people to drive for that person.

But you also render yourself effectively less useful to yourself.

It's not quite the same thing as being terrified of dogs or birds or something, but it reminds me of the same syndrome. Just get over it.

[Anonymous]

She can get a non driving ID card from the DMV.

[Anonymous]

She really doesn’t need to drive. With uber, Lyft, public transport- she’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

First, identify what’s important. If it’s getting an official ID, she can get a non-drivers identification card.

If it’s learning an important skill, think about why and when it will be important. I got my license, then went to a college with a no-car policy, then moved to NYC for grad school. So I spent decades in environments where driving wasn’t necessary, and having a car would be a very expensive hassle.

If it’s a life skill issue, hire a professional. My first driving teacher provided a traumatic experience— that I didn’t realize I could complain about. My mother was so nervous that we both agreed that she would not be a good driving instructor for me. Eventually, as an adult. I got a very patient, unflappable instructor. Find someone like that for your daughter.

I’ve worn glasses since I was two, and have always had poor hand-eye coordination. (Premature baby). I say this because some of us have challenges with driving that people who don’t have these types of challenges might not even notice. Like, having minimal peripheral vision impacts your skill set, and should impact the instruction that you receive.

tldr: Offer her opportunities for instruction, follow her lead.

[Anonymous]

Get her a Tesla with a self-driving subscription. Her confidence will build up after some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have little respect for you or your daughter if she didn't learn this basic skill, a life skill.

This kind of all-or-nothing thinking is puzzling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son had a fear of driving. He has ADHD, low processing speed and a poor reaction time, and knows his limitations. We did not want to let him go to college without a license, however, so we taught him to drive despite his deep misgivings. He got his license at 17. He has not used it, except last summer when he was 20 to get to a summer job near our house (VERY easy drive). But the point isn't that he drive, the point is that he has a license. He doesn't want to drive at night. He tends to go slowly and carefully - we still accompany many of his drives to act as a back-up pair of eyes in cases he misses anything. Perhaps one day he will reach a point where he becomes a responsive, responsible driver. For now, he can drive in case it's absolutely needed. And maybe that's all he'll ever do.

And to the poster who cannot respect people who don't have this skill - shame on you!

+1 my DD has a learning disability and very slow processing speed with difficulty problem-solving in novel situations, which always come up on the road. She’s capable of going to college, but it’s I certain if she’ll ever drive. Would PP prefer unsafe drivers on the road?

[Anonymous]

*uncertain ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her a Tesla with a self-driving subscription. Her confidence will build up after some time.

Please ignore this.