Empty nest is not real until...When?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think true empty nesting occurring when your kids BUY their own place.

Given that many people are renting for two or more decades, that seems very classist.

If owning a home is classist that is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think true empty nesting occurring when your kids BUY their own place.

So, though DH and I didn't live in our parents homes for 25 years before we bought our first house, our parents weren't empty nesters?

[Anonymous]

Then they get married and have kids and expect you to provide childcare. You sent off one and they came back with three more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hardest thing to do once your kids are established is to find the new balance in your relationships. Many of my friends are still very involved in their kids lives and don’t really focus on their own goals and interests. Their identity is still tied to being a mom and they don’t really want to give that up.

I think it's hard because some kids WANT involvement. I did not and at 18 I was deciding everything all the time for myself. My parents would just hear whatever positive outcomes (I did not announce every set backs) and go "oh, that's great!". My dd constantly is using me as a sounding board and asking for my opinion. I'd much rather not be relied on so much to focus on my own thoughts and plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making me feel better about my student athlete having to be back on campus already. Our visit felt short, but thank you for highlighting the fact that it's no all roses when they are home for a month.

We should have our own thread. Mine was only home for about a week before going back for training and it was wonderful and intense, but now DC is gone and I am a bit sad. The benefit is that they are doing what they love and I get to see DC several times each semester when I go to their games. But the breaks are very short.

One of our kids only came home for 3 days of the one month break because of an off campus job. It was the first real feeling of what empty nesting will be like: his priorities and plans for "days off" do not automatically include us anymore. I think whatever the situation, once you become someone they visit, but that visit isn't guaranteed to happen, your nest is empty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making me feel better about my student athlete having to be back on campus already. Our visit felt short, but thank you for highlighting the fact that it's no all roses when they are home for a month.

We should have our own thread. Mine was only home for about a week before going back for training and it was wonderful and intense, but now DC is gone and I am a bit sad. The benefit is that they are doing what they love and I get to see DC several times each semester when I go to their games. But the breaks are very short.

One of our kids only came home for 3 days of the one month break because of an off campus job. It was the first real feeling of what empty nesting will be like: his priorities and plans for "days off" do not automatically include us anymore. I think whatever the situation, once you become someone they visit, but that visit isn't guaranteed to happen, your nest is empty.

I'm surprised they sacrificed their college break for a job! Is it a good one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think true empty nesting occurring when your kids BUY their own place.

Given that many people are renting for two or more decades, that seems very classist.

If owning a home is classist that is sad.

Then it is sad. Only 65% of people in the U.S. own homes. If income is below $125K home ownership drops below 50%, and below $75K it drops below 10%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making me feel better about my student athlete having to be back on campus already. Our visit felt short, but thank you for highlighting the fact that it's no all roses when they are home for a month.

We should have our own thread. Mine was only home for about a week before going back for training and it was wonderful and intense, but now DC is gone and I am a bit sad. The benefit is that they are doing what they love and I get to see DC several times each semester when I go to their games. But the breaks are very short.

One of our kids only came home for 3 days of the one month break because of an off campus job. It was the first real feeling of what empty nesting will be like: his priorities and plans for "days off" do not automatically include us anymore. I think whatever the situation, once you become someone they visit, but that visit isn't guaranteed to happen, your nest is empty.

I'm surprised they sacrificed their college break for a job! Is it a good one?

It is to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, my kids were financially self sufficient when they graduated from college and got real jobs. But then I was responsible for my mom until she died. Only since her passing two years ago have I finally felt untethered and have been able to focus on myself and my own needs and goals.

But from what I see going on around me, that will only last until either I have a grandchild or until either me or my spouse get sick. I am using this window of time to travel and exercise and enjoy my friends. I know it won’t last.

How do you feel about it? It worries me sometimes. Like basically a woman is not a woman for herself anymore at any point once they become older (childless as well to some extent since you can have to take care of parents). It makes me feel a little selfish and sad and wondering if I can find some sort of balance between caring and being a good mom/grandma/child of adult parents and just existing for myself as well. I wonder how people (you, other women here, anyone!) tackle this or if people even usually have this thought.

Does anyone ever exist soley for themselves, though? That seems sad. The elderly members of our family are constantly involved in doing for others, whether it is volunteering regularly at a food pantry, organizing protests, running a garden club, being a part of community activites at the assisted living home where they live, working on the board of a foundation, etc. People will always need each other in one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, my kids were financially self sufficient when they graduated from college and got real jobs. But then I was responsible for my mom until she died. Only since her passing two years ago have I finally felt untethered and have been able to focus on myself and my own needs and goals.

But from what I see going on around me, that will only last until either I have a grandchild or until either me or my spouse get sick. I am using this window of time to travel and exercise and enjoy my friends. I know it won’t last.

How do you feel about it? It worries me sometimes. Like basically a woman is not a woman for herself anymore at any point once they become older (childless as well to some extent since you can have to take care of parents). It makes me feel a little selfish and sad and wondering if I can find some sort of balance between caring and being a good mom/grandma/child of adult parents and just existing for myself as well. I wonder how people (you, other women here, anyone!) tackle this or if people even usually have this thought.

Does anyone ever exist soley for themselves, though? That seems sad. The elderly members of our family are constantly involved in doing for others, whether it is volunteering regularly at a food pantry, organizing protests, running a garden club, being a part of community activites at the assisted living home where they live, working on the board of a foundation, etc. People will always need each other in one way or another.

I mean having days when you do not have calls about this issue or that issue or the need to do this for X person, like you can actually have a peaceful day to yourself without having to serve someone's needs. I very rarely have those. In fact, I couldn't tell you when I last did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are home from college and they eat a ton. It's fine but I feel like all I do is clean the kitchen. They do help without asking but they fail to see the crumbs.

I love them though so I don't say anything.

Same! They eat so much. And okay, they put their dishes away but i would not go so far as to say they clean up after themselves completely. In high school they would be part of the clean up assignments but not now. It’s definitely more exhausting. Fun, glad to see them, but exhausting….

My college kids are still part of the clean up assignments when they are home. Why would they not be? They also take turns cooking meals, helping with yard work, cleaning the bathroom, and other chores around the house. I haven't detected any bad attitudes or complaints on their part about this... They know we are still supporting them by paying their tuition, car insurance, phone bill, etc. and the least they can do is help out with they are home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like everyone says empty nesting is so different, hype it up as this major change and refocus on yourself and how quiet it feels, needing to find hobbies...But so far with my two in college I find that the nest is not really empty: when they're away we talk a lot bc one especially calls all the time, and then they are home and this time for a LONG stretch. I actually feel more tired than ever now and overwhelmed bc I am less used to the routine, and it feels more intense than when they were in high school bc they were busy with activities: now on break they are relaxing at home, have friends over and meanwhile I still need to work (I work at home ft). Did anyone else feel that way, and if so when did it truly change to a stage of "now my time is mostly mine"?

Ya, the college breaks when I'm working (and still supporting them), and they are home for break and out all night with friends, sleeping in all day while I work, etc, are hard. It's when I feel the most burnt out on parenting. They are the reason I can't retire yet, too.

No they are not the "reason" you are. You brought them into this world. You didn't plan well. That is on you not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After they graduate and do not move home is when you have an empty nest. If they move home, no empty nest.

thats not even true if one moves close. My one kid 23 lives only 12 miles away. She is over a lot. The other lives 800 miles away we only see her twice a year. But she comes xmas and easter whole week. Sometimes she comes on family vacation in summer.

The youngest is at college but home for large parts of year.

Yet people call me an empty nestor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, my kids were financially self sufficient when they graduated from college and got real jobs. But then I was responsible for my mom until she died. Only since her passing two years ago have I finally felt untethered and have been able to focus on myself and my own needs and goals.

But from what I see going on around me, that will only last until either I have a grandchild or until either me or my spouse get sick. I am using this window of time to travel and exercise and enjoy my friends. I know it won’t last.

How do you feel about it? It worries me sometimes. Like basically a woman is not a woman for herself anymore at any point once they become older (childless as well to some extent since you can have to take care of parents). It makes me feel a little selfish and sad and wondering if I can find some sort of balance between caring and being a good mom/grandma/child of adult parents and just existing for myself as well. I wonder how people (you, other women here, anyone!) tackle this or if people even usually have this thought.

Does anyone ever exist soley for themselves, though? That seems sad. The elderly members of our family are constantly involved in doing for others, whether it is volunteering regularly at a food pantry, organizing protests, running a garden club, being a part of community activites at the assisted living home where they live, working on the board of a foundation, etc. People will always need each other in one way or another.

I mean having days when you do not have calls about this issue or that issue or the need to do this for X person, like you can actually have a peaceful day to yourself without having to serve someone's needs. I very rarely have those. In fact, I couldn't tell you when I last did.

I think it’s very situational. I rarely have to take care of anything for my two adult children. One is a sophomore in college and one in grad school. I got them both settled in new living situations this past summer and now we pay tuition for the undergrad, rent and utilities are on auto pay and we have to make their travel arrangements for breaks. Otherwise we typically text a few times a week and talk on Sundays. Are your adult children more anxious and demanding? My own parents are deceased and my partners’ are healthy and not needing much at the moment. (although we do worry about them at times). My nest is already empty. Both kids worked in their college towns last summer and likely won’t be home this summer except for short visits either.

[Anonymous]

Thank for this thread what about your relationship with your spouse? How do they handle it?