What do women mean by emotional availability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

I just responded, but you could just say this to your girlfriend. Just tell her that you love her, but you aren’t sure what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

No response will be seen as very uncaring in almost all situations. If someone shares their feelings with you and you just shut down, no one is ever going to think that's a good response.

I think the main thing men (and women, there are also women who don't get this) need to understand is that generally when someone shares their emotions with you, they are not asking for help solving a problem. They may not even perceive themselves as having a problem -- they are just processing emotions. So the "wrong" response is usually to focus on logistics or circumstances around the emotion and suggest way to fix it. But no one asked for that and again, the thing you are trying to fix might not even be a problem. They just wanted to share their feelings and have someone hear them. That's it. The problem was feeling alone in their emotions and the fix is to hear and receive those emotions so they are not alone.

Example: your girlfriend comes to you emotional over having lost a plum work assignment to a colleague. She expresses feeling inadequate at work, her doubts about having chosen that industry, and fear that she will never accomplish her work goals. She is not actually asking you for career advice and she may not even need career advice. It's normal to sometimes have insecurities at work, to question your career choices, or to worry about the future. These are extremely normal emotions and everyone has them sometimes, even very successful people. All she wants is for you to hear that, perhaps validate that those feelings are pretty normal, and maybe let her know that you believe in her. That's it. It's actually *easier* than attempting to go into full on career advisor mode. She's not looking for a career advisor (and if she was, no offense, but she might look for someone who works in her industry or has more experience or can view her situation more objectively, not you). She's looking for a boyfriend who will just say "ugh, that sucks, I wish you'd gotten that assignment too! totally reasonable that would make you ask these questions, I think anyone would feel that way. But also I just think you're very smart and capable and you'll navigate this like you always have." No judgement, just support. It's honestly not even that hard.

Why can't she preface it by saying "I am not seeking your advice...", but instead expects you to guess the appropriate ways to respond. Just be direct with what you want.

Wait, so are you telling me that any time my husband talks about problems at work, he is looking for me to give him career advice?

You afe his wife. You offer a different perspective. And it can be helpful.

Sure. If I have something to say, then I offer my specific perspective on the situation based on what I know about his temperament, his job, his previous jobs, his relationships with the people he works with, and my own relationships with his co-workers.
But if something just sucks, or I don’t have anything helpful to say, then I just say that I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

It is n't about know what to say, to men there is nothing to say. Woman that complain about work, work drama need to do some serious self reflection. Unless you are saving the world, or curing cancer, there is almost no reason to be emotionally attached to your job. The amount of emotional energy wasted when it comes to work is dumbfounding to men and are sitting there saying to themselves it would be nice if you put 10% of that energy toward our relationship. The continuously putting up with absolute BS at work or not letting coworkers who should fail, fail, is insanity. You don't need to do everyone elses work because they didn't or pick up there slack, or change your schedule to meet everyone elses. It is a means to end, nothing more & nothing less. Your company does not care about you, and will not hesitate to lay you off tomorrow if it makes business sense. They don't deserve what woman given them and for some reason woman feel indebted to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

No response will be seen as very uncaring in almost all situations. If someone shares their feelings with you and you just shut down, no one is ever going to think that's a good response.

I think the main thing men (and women, there are also women who don't get this) need to understand is that generally when someone shares their emotions with you, they are not asking for help solving a problem. They may not even perceive themselves as having a problem -- they are just processing emotions. So the "wrong" response is usually to focus on logistics or circumstances around the emotion and suggest way to fix it. But no one asked for that and again, the thing you are trying to fix might not even be a problem. They just wanted to share their feelings and have someone hear them. That's it. The problem was feeling alone in their emotions and the fix is to hear and receive those emotions so they are not alone.

Example: your girlfriend comes to you emotional over having lost a plum work assignment to a colleague. She expresses feeling inadequate at work, her doubts about having chosen that industry, and fear that she will never accomplish her work goals. She is not actually asking you for career advice and she may not even need career advice. It's normal to sometimes have insecurities at work, to question your career choices, or to worry about the future. These are extremely normal emotions and everyone has them sometimes, even very successful people. All she wants is for you to hear that, perhaps validate that those feelings are pretty normal, and maybe let her know that you believe in her. That's it. It's actually *easier* than attempting to go into full on career advisor mode. She's not looking for a career advisor (and if she was, no offense, but she might look for someone who works in her industry or has more experience or can view her situation more objectively, not you). She's looking for a boyfriend who will just say "ugh, that sucks, I wish you'd gotten that assignment too! totally reasonable that would make you ask these questions, I think anyone would feel that way. But also I just think you're very smart and capable and you'll navigate this like you always have." No judgement, just support. It's honestly not even that hard.

Why can't she preface it by saying "I am not seeking your advice...", but instead expects you to guess the appropriate ways to respond. Just be direct with what you want.

Wait, so are you telling me that any time my husband talks about problems at work, he is looking for me to give him career advice?

It depends on the quantity and timing. If “any time” is regular enough, he keeps hitting the same wall and I clearly see what he is doing wrong, I’d definitely not be “validating”. I am not his mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.

Well, there are two things that aren't really negotiable: 1) Anger should never be directed at people who aren't the source of it; and 2) you live in a society that requires you to regulate the time, place, and manner in which you express your anger. The upshot is that, as an adult living in a society, there will be times when there simply is no good outlet for your anger. That's tough for you but it's not anyone else's problem to deal with.

So, testosterone or not, you're going to have to figure out how to regulate your emotions. It might bruise your ego, but sometimes there is a societally permissible way to express "sad" that's not there for "mad." So maybe learn how to work on "sad."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.

Well, there are two things that aren't really negotiable: 1) Anger should never be directed at people who aren't the source of it; and 2) you live in a society that requires you to regulate the time, place, and manner in which you express your anger. The upshot is that, as an adult living in a society, there will be times when there simply is no good outlet for your anger. That's tough for you but it's not anyone else's problem to deal with.

So, testosterone or not, you're going to have to figure out how to regulate your emotions. It might bruise your ego, but sometimes there is a societally permissible way to express "sad" that's not there for "mad." So maybe learn how to work on "sad."

My God most men regulate their emotions. Why are you guys acting like ALL men are savages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1. Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS. If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger
2. Understand my emotional needs as well. I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job. I love that I can vent to DH and he knows what to do or say.

Everyone has different levels of it. I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.

It is n't about know what to say, to men there is nothing to say. Woman that complain about work, work drama need to do some serious self reflection. Unless you are saving the world, or curing cancer, there is almost no reason to be emotionally attached to your job. The amount of emotional energy wasted when it comes to work is dumbfounding to men and are sitting there saying to themselves it would be nice if you put 10% of that energy toward our relationship. The continuously putting up with absolute BS at work or not letting coworkers who should fail, fail, is insanity. You don't need to do everyone elses work because they didn't or pick up there slack, or change your schedule to meet everyone elses. It is a means to end, nothing more & nothing less. Your company does not care about you, and will not hesitate to lay you off tomorrow if it makes business sense. They don't deserve what woman given them and for some reason woman feel indebted to them.

Every woman I have dated has complained to me about work. And often they complain about other women. Everyone has issues at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.

That’s fair. Men should be able to walk in the door and unburden their rage on their innocent loved ones. It’s just biology.

There we go again as if all men act this way. You take the most extreme of behaviour and give the impression that this common with men. The vast majority of men don't come home and take their anger on their loved ones. I am sorry if the man in your life does that. Most don't.

The man in my life doesn’t, but the man in the example does.

That's one man on the Internet. Braking news, a man on the Internet went home and lashes at everyone because his boss told him he s**d at work lol. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.

Well, there are two things that aren't really negotiable: 1) Anger should never be directed at people who aren't the source of it; and 2) you live in a society that requires you to regulate the time, place, and manner in which you express your anger. The upshot is that, as an adult living in a society, there will be times when there simply is no good outlet for your anger. That's tough for you but it's not anyone else's problem to deal with.

So, testosterone or not, you're going to have to figure out how to regulate your emotions. It might bruise your ego, but sometimes there is a societally permissible way to express "sad" that's not there for "mad." So maybe learn how to work on "sad."

My God most men regulate their emotions. Why are you guys acting like ALL men are savages.

For my part, it's because PP responded to the idea that guys should get a handle on their anger by complaining that this was "reengineering" them. Obviously, there is no reeingineering necessary for guys who are already regulating their emotions.

[Anonymous]

For the moms here, are you confident that your sons will be emotionally available for their future wife/gfs? Y'all seem to have diagnosed what's wrong with men so I assume your sons will be role models.

[Anonymous]

I dated someone who was emotionally available and someone who wasn’t. Here’s the difference:

Emotionally available:
- expressed himself
- engaged with me
- excellent texter/communicator
- I felt secure in his feelings towards me (no games, no hard to get)
- authentic

Emotionally unavailable:
- predictably unpredictable for everything
- I felt insecure about myself and us
- terrible texter: took forever to respond
- communication and everything was on his terms
- when he wanted me he’d pursue, otherwise he’d go incommunicado
- hard time letting go

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in situations where I would say something vulnerable “I had a hard time with xyz” or “I’m feeling xyz” and the man will either:

1) make a joke about it
2) look uncomfortable and totally change the subject
3) completely gaslight you about how it’s not a bad/sad/tough situation at all

What an emotionally available man would do:
1) be able to listen for more than 3 seconds
2) show compassion for your situation or feelings
3) share something about himself, after listening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.

PP here.

I was giving an example of ONE healthy way to process negative emotions. I wasn't saying that all men should deal with the embarrassment and disappointment of a work failure by running and writing in a journal. That's not even how I would do it. The point is that I want a man with the self awareness to be able to realize that's what he's feeling (instead of just ignoring those feelings, pretending he was fine, and then later being a jerk to ME for no reason because he's in a bad mood but can't recognize why or deal with it) and then do whatever works for him to process the emotions and move forward.

I grew up with a father who buried all his feelings and viewed admitting to feelings like fear, sadness, guilt, or embarrassment as unacceptable vulnerabilities. He was angry ALL THE TIME. He raged at his family, at people who worked for him, at waiters and front desk clerks. Because he was totally lacking in self awareness about his emotions and rather than putting effort into figuring it out, he just took it out on other people. TBH, I also did this quite a bit in my young adulthood because I followed his example. But then I went to therapy, worked on myself, and figured out how to handle feelings.

I would expect the same of any man I married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.

Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.

That’s fair. Men should be able to walk in the door and unburden their rage on their innocent loved ones. It’s just biology.

I mean there’s a reason that women generally don’t enjoy living with men. They initiate most divorces. It sounds like that guy is saying that’s a biological inevitability so why not accept staying single?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the moms here, are you confident that your sons will be emotionally available for their future wife/gfs? Y'all seem to have diagnosed what's wrong with men so I assume your sons will be role models.

DH is a great role model, so hopefully DS takes after him. He's a teen now and definitely seems to be on the right track.