Reply to What do women mean by emotional availability?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am happy with a man who is self aware enough to understand what emotions he is feeling and to deal with them in a healthy way. That can be a guy who prefers to deal with sadness or anger on his own or via exercise or a therapist -- whatever works for him. I don't necessarily need a guy who is going to share all his feelings with me.

The main problem with a lot of men is that they have been trained not even to acknowledge emotions, because they were raised with the belief that emotions are feminine or "weak." What happens with these guys is that they still have emotions (they are human) but shove them down or channel them in unhealthy ways because they have no ability to recognize them, name them, and deal with them. A lot of these men are the ones with rage issues, because anger is the ONE emotion a lot of men believe they are allowed to have, so when they experiences grief, envy, sadness, embarrassment, etc., it just becomes anger. Thus: rage.

So I don't need an "emotionally available" guy. But I don't want an emotionally stupid guy who can't even figure out "[b]oh I'm feeling disappointed and a little embarrassed about being passed over for that promotion at work, instead of taking that out on my loved ones as rage, I will go for a run, maybe process my thoughts in writing, and then make peace and move on[/b]."

Emotional maturity, not emotional availability.[/quote]

[b]Testosterone drives a lot of our actions. I don't understand why women want to define how we should act [/b]We are different for God sake. We are not going to react the ways you want us to react. I feel like we are trying to "reengineer" men into the kind of men that women want. It creates resentment on both sides.[/quote]

Well, there are two things that aren't really negotiable: 1) Anger should never be directed at people who aren't the source of it; and 2) you live in a society that requires you to regulate the time, place, and manner in which you express your anger. The upshot is that, as an adult living in a society, there will be times when there simply is no good outlet for your anger. That's tough for you but it's not anyone else's problem to deal with.

So, testosterone or not, you're going to have to figure out how to regulate your emotions. It might bruise your ego, but sometimes there is a societally permissible way to express "sad" that's not there for "mad." So maybe learn how to work on "sad." [/quote]

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