ADHD Teen Quitting Everything When it Matters

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem so focused on repeating a grade as the magic solution that if only your DH agreed would have solved everything. The data shows that merely repeating a grade doesn’t solve problems for SN kids.

For bright kids, and for ADHD, repeating a grade could be detrimental. ADHD kids are motivated by interest, challenge, novelty and urgency. Can you imagine how boring it would be to repeat a grade?

For SN kids, it’s better to support with explicit instruction, and in ADHD that would be something like (in addition to medication) executive function coach (not you) social skills instruction, self-advocacy support, whatever is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem so focused on repeating a grade as the magic solution that if only your DH agreed would have solved everything. The data shows that merely repeating a grade doesn’t solve problems for SN kids.

For bright kids, and for ADHD, repeating a grade could be detrimental. ADHD kids are motivated by interest, challenge, novelty and urgency. Can you imagine how boring it would be to repeat a grade?

For SN kids, it’s better to support with explicit instruction, and in ADHD that would be something like (in addition to medication) executive function coach (not you) social skills instruction, self-advocacy support, whatever is appropriate.

OP here. I appreciate these thoughts but still believe repeating a grade would have helped. He would have done it in private and as a September birthday along with his issues he really could have benefited from another year. He has classmates who are a year and a half older than him. For boys especially it makes a difference. He’s extremely immature and a late bloomer physically and mentally on top of the adhd.

[Anonymous]

You may also want to talk to his doctor about changing his ADHD meds. My 17 YO has reported that certain of his meds made him irritable. It is a tough path to find the meds that give him the right amount of focus but don’t make him angry. We also added an SSRI, which has helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There’s constant conflict in our household and it’s also affecting my marriage. I am extremely upset and frustrated with my husband for being a poor male role model and for his lack of male leadership in this situation.

What do you mean by a lack of male leadership? I'm genuinely asking (have been a single mom for the past seven years, my ex is basically a nice guy to my son but lives quite far and so involvement is necessarily not that much).

Op here. Re lack of male leadership or role model - again, this is just my opinion and the situation in my immediate household. I am not a single mom - my husband is a nice guy and around and lives in the same household - but he is completely not involved with DS and has very little desire to do anything or go anywhere with him. He doesn’t have meaningful discussions with him about anything. He doesn’t take him out to play soccer, jog, go for a bike ride, throw a football, walk the dog, camp, go fishing, or do the other typical Dad things I see neighborhood dads doing with their sons. He hasn’t talked to him about puberty or related. When I ask him to have a father/son talk about puberty he says “I learned about puberty from stealing my dad’s playboys and so can DS.” DS used to talk to me but now I can tell he isn’t comfortable always confiding in me anymore. He wishes he had an older brother he said. The times DH has gone to appointments with DS he sugarcoats the problems which is counterproductive. When I wanted to have DS repeat a grade to catch up maturity wise, DH pushed back and got DS against the idea.

In some ways being a single parent I’d almost easier than having a spouse who is disinterested or counter productive.

That's really heartbreaking. I had a super disinterested dad and it hit me (a girl) differently than my brother. I think it really hit his sense of self. As in, if my dad doesn't want to hang out with me and doesn't find me inherently interesting and valuable just for being me, what am I worth, really? I don't have any magic words for you but I am sad for you and your son. My mother also lacked the ability to make my dad see reason here. And now neither of them have more than a surface-level relationship with us. If you have any ability to talk some sense into your DH and get him to care, DO IT.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I checked the date on your post and the thread to make sure I wasn’t in a different forum. There have been similar in different forums lately. I’m a HS teacher, with teens of my own. I see a lot of teens with and without disabilities. One of mine has SN and the other doesn’t.

So many stop long time activities in HS, especially sports, scouts and music. Stop the worry about college. He WILL have so many options. Both of my kids stopped their long time sport after 9th grade, suddenly. They were just done. And life went on. It took time but they found other things.

And read up on the college forum. You will see that these don’t necessarily help with admission anyway. Sure, maybe if he’s a recruited player or and Eagle Scout but that’s so few. Give your son space to grow and develop.

Puberty hit my kid with SN hard. He had to leave school for a while for therapies and drop all EC for a year and get by with homebound tutoring. He still had his choice of many colleges.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I didn’t give you advice. I’m sorry he’s being so defiant. He can’t verbally abuse you and the family and that’s not okay. There needs to be consequences for that. But just stop talking to him about college, grades and activities for now. Deal with the immediate and get through one day at a time. Let the little things go.

The best advice I got was on here, not in therapy and was to get through this period any way possible without a serious drug or mental health crisis.

[Anonymous]

I used to be this kid. Unfortunately, I don’t think you can do much to force your son to be someone he doesn’t want to be. He has to want to change for himself at this point. He is almost an adult and the chance to instill discipline or family values was years ago before he was a teenager. Now you have to let go and hope for the best while being there to support him when he crashes back down to earth. This is a long game. Drop the rope and support your kid for who they are and who they want to be, not who you want them to be.

[Anonymous]

Who diagnosed him with ADHD? He needs a full, several day long neuro psych.

A newish study about ADHD meds says that they help for two years but after that they stop helping.

[Anonymous]

ADHD- often have rejection sensitivity dysphoria - maybe he thinks the other kids don't like him so have dropped the activities - his perception, not the reality, my ADHD kids are like this. ADHD kids don't like to be told to do homework etc. Ask them when are they going to start on an assignment and do they want a reminder around that time. ( if yes, just say this is your reminder) for anything really chores, school work, etc. Agree with others check for drug use, ask pediatricians when yu take the kid in for evaluation. Also, encourage dad to find one on one time- can be as simple as driving his somewhere. Ease up on college push, help him find activities he enjoys again.