Should I tell my half sister our brother died?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I would send her a message with no expectation of a response. “Susan, just reaching out to let you know that Carl died of his injuries. I thought you might want to know. If you are interested, we are having a service on X date.” Or, “if you are ever wanting to know, he is buried at XYZ location” if the service already took place. And then close the phone and don’t expect her to respond. Or know that she might respond with something not satisfactory, like”ok, thanks”. She is likely fighting her own demons regarding her/ your dad and it’s not your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds fake, because you should know that all relatives and friends of the deceased MUST be notified. That's part of the last duty you have to the deceased. You don't know what was going on in her life that she didn't reply to you, but she will certainly be pained if you do not tell her that her half-brother died!

My God. Have some basic decency.

You’re not required to notify anyone of any death short of there being a will or having some professional duty to.

+1. That's what obits are for.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just send a text. Whatever is easiest for you. I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell her next time she reaches out. It’s been months, I don’t see the point now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother was in a really bad accident and was hospitalized for severe injuries. We have a half sister from my father’s first marriage who is older than I am, I didn’t grow up with her in the home and we are not close. She had reached out a few months prior to this incident and we talked for the first time in some years since my mother had died and she had a good conversation where she expressed an interest in being closer. There was no fall out, there just was no real relationship prior. I had called her and let her know what happened as she had some professional experience with what was going on with his condition post accident. We talked and then I tried updating her about his condition but never heard from her again after texting/calling once. This was about 3 months ago. A month after I tried getting back in contact with her he died of complications from the accident. He was fairly young to die (31). Would you say anything or just leave it be?

She contacted you out of curiosity and as you said you don’t have a prior relationship. She probably expected a slow and less emotional path to potentially build a relationship. Your next contact point with her was contacting her with a very serious issue. She was probably feeling very awkward and uncomfortable with figuring out how to support you on the phone. She’s in a weird place with a stranger on the phone looking for advice on a serious issue. Disconnecting may have been the easiest path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would reconnect to touch base and just say I have been dealing with a lot, as brother died.

I’d like to tell her and I wouldn’t normally hold information about someone dying from another person but she never tried to find out what happened to him. I haven’t had a single phone call or text asking about his condition.

In that case, I personally would let her go. Lean on people who are there for you. I’m so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss OP. I would send her a message with no expectation of a response. “Susan, just reaching out to let you know that Carl died of his injuries. I thought you might want to know. If you are interested, we are having a service on X date.” Or, “if you are ever wanting to know, he is buried at XYZ location” if the service already took place. And then close the phone and don’t expect her to respond. Or know that she might respond with something not satisfactory, like”ok, thanks”. She is likely fighting her own demons regarding her/ your dad and it’s not your fault.

Immediate PP here, and I amend my response to this one above.

[Anonymous]

Yes definitely! I have two much younger half siblings from my dad, and we are all estranged, but I would absolutely want to know if something happened to any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not?

OP here. The reason I didn’t immediately let her know is because I had tried communicating with the her about his condition and got no response back and have heard nothing from her since.

So do you think she doesn’t care? Are you mad/hurt/disappointed?

You are still thinking about whether you should tell her, even though you said you want to. Tell her. It costs you nothing and you will have resolved your internal conflict and can move on from the relationship if that’s what you want.

[Anonymous]

Some people don't have strong family norms about sending cards and checking on ill people they rarely see.

I had a great-aunt that I met only 3 times in my life. She was funny and I liked her. My dad told me she was in the hospital but didn't say it was life-threatening. About a month later, I asked my dad about her address to send a card. And he told me she had died a few weeks before. I found that a bit odd. But my family is pretty calm about deaths.

I think the estranged half-sister was maybe hoping for an amiable but very occasional check-in relationship and didn't know what to do about following up on the original bad news. But I agree she would want to know. If only to avoid the awkwardness of recontacting OP years later and asking about the brother.

I would send a written message and not a text. Depending on family tradition, you might include an obituary or memento from the service (prayer card, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely! I have two much younger half siblings from my dad, and we are all estranged, but I would absolutely want to know if something happened to any of them.

Why would you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother was in a really bad accident and was hospitalized for severe injuries. We have a half sister from my father’s first marriage who is older than I am, I didn’t grow up with her in the home and we are not close. She had reached out a few months prior to this incident and we talked for the first time in some years since my mother had died and she had a good conversation where she expressed an interest in being closer. There was no fall out, there just was no real relationship prior. I had called her and let her know what happened as she had some professional experience with what was going on with his condition post accident. We talked and then I tried updating her about his condition but never heard from her again after texting/calling once. This was about 3 months ago. A month after I tried getting back in contact with her he died of complications from the accident. He was fairly young to die (31). Would you say anything or just leave it be?

But OP did have a conversation with her telling her about the accident and said she called because the half sister had "some professional experience" about his condition.
So presumably half sister talked.

It was OP's SUBSEQUENT "update" later that got no response.
Maybe the half sister missed it, maybe she was wary of being asked for more professional advice, whatever.

OP just let her know however. Don't expect a response or what one might consist of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely! I have two much younger half siblings from my dad, and we are all estranged, but I would absolutely want to know if something happened to any of them.

Why would you care?

DP. Because it's awkward not to know if people are alive or dead. Especially if they are related to you. It's like not knowing a basic fact. There are times when you want to know and share basic facts.

[Anonymous]

Was he her half brother? Then yes, of course tell her. If he was a step brother than that's different.

[Anonymous]

I dont think you have to say anything. If she reaches out again I would mention something casually. Oh well talked last right before our brother died. She didnt care so why should you bother.

If she had followed up after the accident that would be different.

My grandmother once received a phone call for my grandfather after he died. She informed the man of his death. She ended up having to console the caller. My uncle had to take the phone away because the guy was sobbing so hard. The caller and my grandfather had been friends for a lifetime and the only reached out occasionally so he was shocked about the death.