35, pregnant, and unwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are within the realm of normal, especially if traditional and/or religious, so no need to get huffy about their reaction, but yes to having close family members that want to be there come to the courthouse and yes to setting a date ASAP and locking it in. Maybe even get a dress now so when he proposes you can go to the courthouse right then for the license and get married as soon as eveyone can convene...I think this could be romantic

My aunt got pregnant at 16, the other eloped. My uncle, who is a pastor by the way, has a son who had a baby out of wedlock when was 23? His other son is gay and solicits himself online, while his daughter although is married, her husband cheated on her and had a baby outside of the marriage but they think he walks on water. My dad wants to marry a woman half his age after knowing her for 3 months and only 1.5 after my mom’s passing but this is a “rushed job”. My other uncle went to jail but two adults sharing a bed is off limits (Thanksgiving), or having a baby out of wedlock at 35 & 36 is too much?

I think it’s the hypocrisy and the initializing that I’m having a hard time with.

*Infantilizing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sometimes men realize or know things about other men that men don't realize or know. it's kinda interesting that all the men in your family are unenthusiastic about all this. maybe they know something you don't. hopefully not.

if you guys want to get married, why aren't you married already? I mean if you are waiting until you are out of the miscarriage window, that kinda indicates that you WOULDNT be married without the pregnancy.

I think he’s more so the men think I’m a baby. My aunt wanted me to pull my uncle aside before telling others I was pregnant because she said he’s so protective of me. I thought that was bizarre.

Kind of give you better insight into my family, our entire family gets together for Thanksgiving at a beach house for a week every year. We rotate taking turns hosting, and last year it happened to be aunt and uncle. I asked if it was okay to bring my SO. My aunt (my mom’s sister) said she was fine with it but wanted me to ask my uncle separately for permission because “it would make him feel better” and that she was requiring my other cousins do the same when asking to bring their SO. My other cousins were 19 and 20 y/o last year…. I thought asking me to go through that extra hoop was weird, so I opted out.

Why aren’t we married yet? I didn’t find out I was pregnant until last month. He just asked for my dad’s permission the day after Thanksgiving. Then we told him I was pregnant a couple of days later (was hoping it would soften the blow). He’s getting my ring custom made and he knows that I still would like a surprise proposal (still want some of the traditional things). It’s only been a few weeks since we found out.

Oh I remember your post! I'm glad you didn't go. So knowing that, I think your family is just weird or from a different culture. I doubt its anything to do with your fiancé, it's that you're a woman and they will judge you no matter what. And I say that as someone who is pretty traditional about premarital pregnancy. Your dad is giving you a hard time no matter what. He wanted you to be married, you are getting married. But he doesn't like the way you're doing it and complaining about that too. It sounds like your family thinks they own you, I am so sorry your mom is not there to be a buffer and support you. Look, I'd do a small ceremony and invite your dad and stay civil, but I would not try to hard to please him or have a deep relationship. I would lean into your in-laws, who seem nicer.

[Anonymous]

They are worried about you, somewhat overprotective, and know something you don't about your SO. Your SO is a loser who did not marry you right away. I agree with your dad.

[Anonymous]

Is your fiance from a different culture?

Kind of sounds like the men in your family are super traditionalist/conservative.

And look, a baby is a way way bigger commitment and more permanent connection. If you want to make this relationship work you can't let people insert themselves. You need to be confident. If there's something about you that doubts your fiance, that's a different conversation.

But you're 35 years old, you need to know what you want and you need to do what's best for you and your child. What's best for the kid absolutely comes before what your Dad or uncle thinks.

[Anonymous]

Truly, I do not judge you in that I also got pregnant before getting married. And we are doing very well, so I don't think it means your relationship is doomed by any means.

What I do think is a little odd is that you want to have things both ways: You want your dad to give "permission" for you to get married and have a big traditional wedding. But you also want to be a 35-year-old woman who can make her own decisions about when to have a baby and with whom. Sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too, but not here. I would let go of the idea that your dad is going to enthusiastically "bless" this wedding. If you trust your fiance and yourself, go forward with confidence. If not, ask yourself why.

Also:If you're planning to have a courthouse wedding, what's the holdup? Just do it now.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh. "Unwed." That word belongs back in 1951.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get a marriage license next week, book an officiant (JP? Family lawyer?) and have a nice old fashioned (1950s, 60s, 70s, 80s) wedding ceremony in your dad’s living room with just the immediate family with cocktails and finger foods reception immediately thereafter. You can all wear Sunday best without going full wedding.

If you really want to do a big wedding a year later great - or maybe by then you’ll be happier going on a trip with husband and child.

If you and fiancé want to marry before baby comes, and want to do low key - just compromise and marry with your dad present. He wants to see you married, that’s sweet.

Omg hell no
OP this is 2025 no one needs to be married

Ignore them be happy and fir gods sake grow the hell up you are about to bring a child into this world

It’s none of their dam business if you are married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Truly, I do not judge you in that I also got pregnant before getting married. And we are doing very well, so I don't think it means your relationship is doomed by any means.

What I do think is a little odd is that you want to have things both ways: You want your dad to give "permission" for you to get married and have a big traditional wedding. But you also want to be a 35-year-old woman who can make her own decisions about when to have a baby and with whom. Sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too, but not here. I would let go of the idea that your dad is going to enthusiastically "bless" this wedding. If you trust your fiance and yourself, go forward with confidence. If not, ask yourself why.

Also:If you're planning to have a courthouse wedding, what's the holdup? Just do it now.

I agree with this - but it is SOOO hard to break yourself away from the indoctrination that your family has clearly instilled of some idea of purity and rituals of religion.

You want the baby. You’re 35. Do you love your partner? Because honestly, you don’t even need to get married. You can keep on as you are together until you decide and still commit to raising this baby together. But if you love him and truly want to marry, go for it.

You’re going to find once you have your baby that all of your family’s nonsense is just that - nonsense. You will love that baby. And you will make your own way. But you need to start now being ok with people not agreeing with everything you do or the way you do it. They don’t have agency over what you do.

[Anonymous]

OP you talk about "soften the blow" but IMHO it sounds like a bait and switch. To ask for your dad's permission to get married and then he finds out after that you are pregnant -- that would be a lot for my family. They are traditional and it sounds like yours as well. But it feels sort of fake. Even "waiting for a surprise proposal" sounds odd to me in your situation honestly. Maybe just immature under the circumstances and it seems that way to others too.

[Anonymous]

Go to the courthouse and get married.

Then have a large party later after the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

You are 35 years old. Grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to the courthouse and get married.

Then have a large party later after the baby is born.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you talk about "soften the blow" but IMHO it sounds like a bait and switch. To ask for your dad's permission to get married and then he finds out after that you are pregnant -- that would be a lot for my family. They are traditional and it sounds like yours as well. But it feels sort of fake. Even "waiting for a surprise proposal" sounds odd to me in your situation honestly. Maybe just immature under the circumstances and it seems that way to others too.

+1. Something isn’t right in OP’s version of the story

[Anonymous]

OP, was the pregnancy planned (or threw precautions to the wind)? It does sound like you roped in this guy in order to get a baby and husband in one stone, so that might be part of the hesitation with your family.

[Anonymous]

Go to the Courthouse and get married. Take immediate family or just witnesses. Do it asap before the baby comes. Depending on due date, could be Jan 2 simplifying taxes because you atart off married. Send out wedding announcements or not.

Then if you want a big bash in a year, that is not a second wedding. It is a vow renewal. And a huge party. .