Do jerk kids have jerk parents?

[Anonymous]

The apple does not fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

I was a bit of a jerk as a kid. My parents had Issues. My father only this spring agreed he might be on the autistic spectrum. My mother was wildly insecure and should have had therapy for a couple of things she went through before I was born. In their own ways they each taught me terrible social skills. Oh plus I got diagnosed with ADhd in 2nd grade and then just … never got treated for it except by being severely punished. Plus I’m probably also autistic. So none of us MEANT to be jerks, but we were in different ways, accidentally.

[Anonymous]

I know so many poorly behaved kids with lovely parents that are very hands on with behavior. And so many great kids whose parents think they are doing a fantastic job parenting, when they are doing nothing out of the norm. We like to think we have so much control over kids behavior, but so much of it circles back to the individual temperament they were born with and optimizing the environment they are in (eg. neighborhood, school). So no, I don’t think jerk parents necessarily beget jerk kids, nor do I think amazing parents necessarily beget amazing kids.

[Anonymous]

I don't think so. Some of the most poorly behaved, jerk kids in elementary had the most lovely parents. I think they were allowed to be jerks because the lovely parents were allergic to using the word "no" or otherwise disciplining them. That might work for a docile, kind kid but some of these more "spirited" kids clearly needed some boundaries the parents would have felt were mean or just not unconditionally loving and accepting.

[Anonymous]

I think some jerk kids have really passive doormat parents who can't enforcing limits with their kid.

[Anonymous]

Look at all the jerks on this website. The answer is yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that some kids are jerks. That the ones with good parents eventually grow out of it, and the ones with jerk parents become jerks.

I don't think kids grow out of it so much as they are trained out of it. So I give a lot more leeway to younger kids who are still in training.

But even with young kids, when I see really egregious behavior and their parents are *right there* and I don't see even a gentle reminder of what better behavior would look like, I do judge. I see a lot of kids who are elementary and middle school age who are really being under-parented, with basically no feedback on stuff like interrupting, refusing to share, bragging, and putting other kids down. Like if your 9 or 10 year old is constantly interrupting people around her or criticizing or putting down peers and you say nothing at all, I 100% judge you. Yes, even if that kid has ADHD or some other challenge. I still don't really judge the kid at that age, but I judge the parents for failing to help their kid learn another way to handle that situation.

Once a kid is in HS I judge the kid too, though. I try to still have empathy because I recognize it's the result of poor parenting, but you can't go blaming your parents forever for your own bad behavior. At some point you need to gain the self awareness to recognize your behavior is hurtful to others and do better.

plus a million. It’s shocking what parents let their kids get away with

[Anonymous]

In my lived experience - which is not the same as scientific data - shitty kids tend to have shitty parents.

Once in a blue moon though, I do come across really troubled kids with good parents who are overwhelmed and are really trying. I feel for these parents.

But generally - selfish, cruel, mean, bullying, and rude behaviors are almost always reflective of the parents. It's learned behavior.

[Anonymous]

My experience is that jerk kids have teen siblings and are exposed to teen behavior they are imitating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that jerk kids have teen siblings and are exposed to teen behavior they are imitating.

I feel that jerk kids come from parents that didn’t nip it in the bud early in life, gave empty threats, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that some kids are jerks. That the ones with good parents eventually grow out of it, and the ones with jerk parents become jerks.

I don't think kids grow out of it so much as they are trained out of it. So I give a lot more leeway to younger kids who are still in training.

But even with young kids, when I see really egregious behavior and their parents are *right there* and I don't see even a gentle reminder of what better behavior would look like, I do judge. I see a lot of kids who are elementary and middle school age who are really being under-parented, with basically no feedback on stuff like interrupting, refusing to share, bragging, and putting other kids down. Like if your 9 or 10 year old is constantly interrupting people around her or criticizing or putting down peers and you say nothing at all, I 100% judge you. Yes, even if that kid has ADHD or some other challenge. I still don't really judge the kid at that age, but I judge the parents for failing to help their kid learn another way to handle that situation.

Once a kid is in HS I judge the kid too, though. I try to still have empathy because I recognize it's the result of poor parenting, but you can't go blaming your parents forever for your own bad behavior. At some point you need to gain the self awareness to recognize your behavior is hurtful to others and do better.

plus a million. It’s shocking what parents let their kids get away with

This is something that frequently takes me by surprise. It is wild to me when I see a kid who is just behaving terribly for no other reason than their parent is not intervening, and they just let it happen. Letting a kid scream and shout and harass people in a store, letting older kids walk up to adults and interrupt or demand things (I see this often on my kid's soccer team -- the coach will be speaking to another coach or a parent and one of the kids will walk up, interrupt, and ask for something, and their parent NEVER says "hey leave Coach T alone, you can wait until they are done talking"), or kids saying critical or mean things about other kids where lots of us can hear. And just nothing from the parents. I sometimes think the parents are just checked out and the bad behavior is just not registering, in which case who knows what's going on. But other times you know the parent can see and hear the behavior and they seem to just think it's funny or normal? I don't understand. Do these people really not get that you are supposed to teach your kid not to interrupt, go wild in public, or just say horrible things about other people to whoever will listen?

I am far from a perfect parent but I try. I don't always succeed and my kids make plenty of mistakes, but I'm out there doing what I can to raise good people. It's shocking to me to encounter people, especially people who clearly have a good education and resources so there are no excuses on that front, who just don't seem to care at all.

[Anonymous]

In a word, yes.

Kind, empathetic parents don’t raise jerk kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that some kids are jerks. That the ones with good parents eventually grow out of it, and the ones with jerk parents become jerks.

I don't think kids grow out of it so much as they are trained out of it. So I give a lot more leeway to younger kids who are still in training.

But even with young kids, when I see really egregious behavior and their parents are *right there* and I don't see even a gentle reminder of what better behavior would look like, I do judge. I see a lot of kids who are elementary and middle school age who are really being under-parented, with basically no feedback on stuff like interrupting, refusing to share, bragging, and putting other kids down. Like if your 9 or 10 year old is constantly interrupting people around her or criticizing or putting down peers and you say nothing at all, I 100% judge you. Yes, even if that kid has ADHD or some other challenge. I still don't really judge the kid at that age, but I judge the parents for failing to help their kid learn another way to handle that situation.

Once a kid is in HS I judge the kid too, though. I try to still have empathy because I recognize it's the result of poor parenting, but you can't go blaming your parents forever for your own bad behavior. At some point you need to gain the self awareness to recognize your behavior is hurtful to others and do better.

plus a million. It’s shocking what parents let their kids get away with

This is something that frequently takes me by surprise. It is wild to me when I see a kid who is just behaving terribly for no other reason than their parent is not intervening, and they just let it happen. Letting a kid scream and shout and harass people in a store, letting older kids walk up to adults and interrupt or demand things (I see this often on my kid's soccer team -- the coach will be speaking to another coach or a parent and one of the kids will walk up, interrupt, and ask for something, and their parent NEVER says "hey leave Coach T alone, you can wait until they are done talking"), or kids saying critical or mean things about other kids where lots of us can hear. And just nothing from the parents. I sometimes think the parents are just checked out and the bad behavior is just not registering, in which case who knows what's going on. But other times you know the parent can see and hear the behavior and they seem to just think it's funny or normal? I don't understand. Do these people really not get that you are supposed to teach your kid not to interrupt, go wild in public, or just say horrible things about other people to whoever will listen?

I am far from a perfect parent but I try. I don't always succeed and my kids make plenty of mistakes, but I'm out there doing what I can to raise good people. It's shocking to me to encounter people, especially people who clearly have a good education and resources so there are no excuses on that front, who just don't seem to care at all.

Well said and it’s extremely prominent in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that jerk kids have teen siblings and are exposed to teen behavior they are imitating.

I feel that jerk kids come from parents that didn’t nip it in the bud early in life, gave empty threats, etc.

I think they see normal teen behavior that doesn't need to be nipped and a child to young to understand that behavior tries to imitate it and fails.

[Anonymous]

It really depends what you mean by “jerk” & somewhat on the age of the kid. Also, IME kids are rarely jerks to both peers and adult/teachers. Usually it is one or the other.

My 3 kids are in college in HS but from what I have seen::

-Kids who are total jerks/bullies to their peers: almost without fail, their parents are the very popular/social/boozy types. Plenty of those parents have wonderful children, but almost all of the really mean kids have seen come from this category of parent. These kids tend to be very well liked by teachers, other acults and authority figures and don’t have other behavioral issues at school. The parents usually know that their kid is kind of mean but not the full extent, so they tend to excuse the behavior.

-Kids who are jerks to their teachers/adults: usually have very permissive parents of all types OR just have challenges (mental health issues or various disorders- often are being treated). Especially at the younger ages. Many of these kids are nice to their peers & well liked, social etc. The parents are usually well aware of the kid’s behavioral issues.