Do jerk kids have jerk parents?

[Anonymous]

I have kids in elementary and high school. Some kids are real jerks. I’m now wondering if their parents are also jerks and that is where they learn their behavior.

When kids were younger, I would excuse kids as being young, having a bad day, tired, etc. Some of these kids are just not nice kids. They are mean spirited, cruel, disrespectful and rude to both their peers and adults.

Recently I have lost respect for certain parents with bad kids. No matter how successful or great an adult is, if your kid is a jerk, I second guess what kind of person you are to raise such a jerk.

[Anonymous]

My experience is that some kids are jerks. That the ones with good parents eventually grow out of it, and the ones with jerk parents become jerks.

[Anonymous]

Some kids learn (or don't unlearn) jerk behavior because their parents are jerks themselves and don't see the need to correct it. Others have pushover parents who don't correct the behavior, but they may not be jerks themselves. Either way, it is poor parenting.

[Anonymous]

No sometimes its not jerk parents but lack of presence. Sometimes parents try but it's strong will from the kid and pushing parents away to be with (jerky) peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that some kids are jerks. That the ones with good parents eventually grow out of it, and the ones with jerk parents become jerks.

I don't think kids grow out of it so much as they are trained out of it. So I give a lot more leeway to younger kids who are still in training.

But even with young kids, when I see really egregious behavior and their parents are *right there* and I don't see even a gentle reminder of what better behavior would look like, I do judge. I see a lot of kids who are elementary and middle school age who are really being under-parented, with basically no feedback on stuff like interrupting, refusing to share, bragging, and putting other kids down. Like if your 9 or 10 year old is constantly interrupting people around her or criticizing or putting down peers and you say nothing at all, I 100% judge you. Yes, even if that kid has ADHD or some other challenge. I still don't really judge the kid at that age, but I judge the parents for failing to help their kid learn another way to handle that situation.

Once a kid is in HS I judge the kid too, though. I try to still have empathy because I recognize it's the result of poor parenting, but you can't go blaming your parents forever for your own bad behavior. At some point you need to gain the self awareness to recognize your behavior is hurtful to others and do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No sometimes its not jerk parents but lack of presence. Sometimes parents try but it's strong will from the kid and pushing parents away to be with (jerky) peers.

Not if the kid is 7. Maybe for a teen.

But also it's your job as a parent to cultivate that relationship so that your influence is more important than the jerky peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids learn (or don't unlearn) jerk behavior because their parents are jerks themselves and don't see the need to correct it. Others have pushover parents who don't correct the behavior, but they may not be jerks themselves. Either way, it is poor parenting.

This. I do have more empathy for the kids with lazy parents who just failed to tell them how not to be jerks. I've found that kids like this are often pretty responsive if you just tell them, kindly "it's not nice to talk about people that way" or whatever. They are often hungry for guidance and already realize that people sometimes don't like them but just don't know how to improve. I think some of these kids will actually develop good manners later in life by observing other people. I had neglectful parents and have good manners because I was motivated to learn them when I could.

The kids with jerk parents are a lost cause because their parents are reinforcing that behavior at home. Also the parents will also be jerks to you or your kid directly. There's nothing to be done -- those kids believe that's how you are supposed to behave and they will be like that for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have kids in elementary and high school. Some kids are real jerks. I’m now wondering if their parents are also jerks and that is where they learn their behavior.

When kids were younger, I would excuse kids as being young, having a bad day, tired, etc. Some of these kids are just not nice kids. They are mean spirited, cruel, disrespectful and rude to both their peers and adults.

Recently I have lost respect for certain parents with bad kids. No matter how successful or great an adult is, if your kid is a jerk, I second guess what kind of person you are to raise such a jerk.

Absolutely YES!

Being a jerk is a learned behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that some kids are jerks. That the ones with good parents eventually grow out of it, and the ones with jerk parents become jerks.

We know three jerk kids but their parents are so lovely. Both jerk kids are "onlies".
I think it's hard to parent an only child and I have sympathy. I hope these kids grow out of it.

[Anonymous]

Controversial take here but most of the jerk kids I know have very nice parents who practice a little too much benign neglect. They work A LOT. They aren't around to supervise screen time and there's a ton of it. They don't like to be harsh disciplinarians because they already get so little time with their kids. The kids are mostly raised by an indulgent grandma or nanny.
The true jerk parents I can think of tend to be very hard on their kids, who often end up nicer than their parents.

[Anonymous]

Not always and vice versa. I know plenty of really nice kids whose parents I want nothing to do with. My best friend has always been a nice, kind person (even as a kid) and her brother and sister are jerks. Her parents are fine. I am always amazed by their family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that some kids are jerks. That the ones with good parents eventually grow out of it, and the ones with jerk parents become jerks.

We know three jerk kids but their parents are so lovely. Both jerk kids are "onlies".
I think it's hard to parent an only child and I have sympathy. I hope these kids grow out of it.

Op here. One of my favorite friends has an only and the daughter is definitely the mean girl. The mom is amazing and I love her but she works a lot and her daughter has always been difficult. The girl is one of the girls I was thinking of when I posted. My child is having a birthday party and refuses to invite this girl stating she is so mean. I was urging DD to invite her and decided I won’t force her even if I’m good friends with mom.

[Anonymous]

I think some jerk kids have nice parents who just don’t discipline them enough.

My daughter isn’t old enough to encounter mean girls yet but I did notice growing up that a lot of the mean girls had kind of mean moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Controversial take here but most of the jerk kids I know have very nice parents who practice a little too much benign neglect. They work A LOT. They aren't around to supervise screen time and there's a ton of it. They don't like to be harsh disciplinarians because they already get so little time with their kids. The kids are mostly raised by an indulgent grandma or nanny.
The true jerk parents I can think of tend to be very hard on their kids, who often end up nicer than their parents.

+1 At its not just parents that are too busy. Some parents just don't want to enforce good behavior so they brush it off when their kids act badly. I know one mom that spends alot of time with her kids and has them doing volunteer work and talks alot about being kind and inclusive but her daughter is a mean girl and she brushes off alot of her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience is that some kids are jerks. That the ones with good parents eventually grow out of it, and the ones with jerk parents become jerks.

This. There are even some nice kids with jerk parents.