Adult daughter considers herself a failure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to the tell her the job and salary aren't measure of anyone. Tell her she's worthy and valuable and smart and the best daughter you could ask for. Tell her she's enough, more than enough. Maybe write her a letter praising her on who she is as a person so she can see it when she lacks confidence; or you could write a letter to each other. I also believe (even irregular) volunteer work can give people a sense of worth and find their passions in life, whether it's caring for animals, theatre. or something else.

+1

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your daughter is actually content and happy with where she is at in life but it seems like she is seeking you alls approval and assurance and you aren’t giving it. She followed a path that was not typical and not making as much as others but she has a job, has her health together and in a stable relationship. Find it in your heart to let her know that she is doing great. She needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 34 year old daughter has struggled with self confidence issues for much of her life. She never finished college due to struggles with depression, anxiety and what I suspect was misuse of one of her medications. Her father and I likely had some part to play in her early failures as I suspect we were both in some denial. She was a mostly B student at a difficult college prep school, yet failed almost all of her college courses.

I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”

Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.

She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.

We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)

I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.

I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar

Well, she can still take classes at community college and earn an associate degree to see if she can get higher education. To be fair, lots of college educated earn as much as she already does. Once her partner starts earning residency pay, their household income would go up but you may need to subsidize a bit for few years until he becomes an attending. A few more years if he goes for fellowship. Good news is that you don't need to leave her an inheritance. They'll be good on their own. For now she is pretty much supporting both of them.

[Anonymous]

Is it because she is seeing future inequality between herself and her partner now because he isn't a broke student anymore who needed her financial, emotional, physical and logistical support? Is she afraid of losing him? Many medical students change after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When’s the last time you told her that you’re proud of something she’s done? What was it?

I'm 49 and can't recall my parents ever saying they're proud of me. To be fair, I'm not particularly impressive. But not every parent talks that way.

That’s pretty sad, my husbands parents don’t tell him they’re proud of him either, and it’s really hard on him. My parents tell me they’re proud of me regularly though, and our relationship is a lot stronger and more positive.

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, be proud of her for having a job. Many men and women earn $52,000 or less and support families with their income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When’s the last time you told her that you’re proud of something she’s done? What was it?

I'm 49 and can't recall my parents ever saying they're proud of me. To be fair, I'm not particularly impressive. But not every parent talks that way.

That’s pretty sad, my husbands parents don’t tell him they’re proud of him either, and it’s really hard on him. My parents tell me they’re proud of me regularly though, and our relationship is a lot stronger and more positive.

I wonder why people here feel so strongly about use of such cliche phrases. In my culture adult kids are unlikely to hear them but they do get to see their kids beaming with pride while looking at them or talking to others about them or warding evil eye away from them.

[Anonymous]

*their parents beaming

[Anonymous]

She doesn't sound like a failure at all! Employed to the tune of 52,000, partnered (is he nice to her?). She is doing fine. She can always get a degree later if she wants. Who cares if you pay for extras.

Let her know she isn't a failure and is doing better than most Amreicans by far.

[Anonymous]

If she considers herself a failure, then her mental health does not sound great.

Did you raise her to believe that success equals wealth and social status? If so, that could be feeding into her issues.

Better values would have served her better.

She is working full time and found a life partner, that is better than many. Especially if she struggled with mental illness and did not finish college. Perhaps she has chosen a career that society does not reward financially (like helping children or the disadvantaged). That reveals a flaw in society, not your daughter.

Maybe underwrite therapy to help her feel better about herself?

Or family therapy, where you can express your own beliefs about not supporting her sufficiently growing up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When’s the last time you told her that you’re proud of something she’s done? What was it?

I'm 49 and can't recall my parents ever saying they're proud of me. To be fair, I'm not particularly impressive. But not every parent talks that way.

We would have a healthier citizenship if they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm impressed that she is so candid with you, I dont see her life as failing at all. She sounds so hard on herself, I hope she can find acceptance and joy, her time to shine might come later or she could be working towards something great without realizing it. Its probably a feeling that intensifies and ebbs with hormonal changes but at least she has a supportive family.

Hormonal changes??

[Anonymous]

Slowly back away from supporting her OP.

I was able to successfully earn a master's degree and only make 55k a year. I have a friend who made a similar salary who was always underwritten by her parents and she never learned to survive on her own income. Now her parents have died, her DH left her, and she never learned how to budget and what she could really afford. Time for you and your DH to slowly step away.

[Anonymous]

She sounds fine, especially making that income without a degree! What expectations did you have for her?

[Anonymous]

She isn’t a failure if she has a job, a partner and maybe she’ll even go on to have kids (but if she doesn’t it’s fine because mental health is highly hereditary). Her only issue is self esteem, really, or whatever mental health struggles she has. She is fine, she got a nice partner with earring potential, you can supper her if you want, or not. Chill out and go on a cruise or something.