Settlement during divorce

[Anonymous]

Or call your state representative and ask them to sponsor a bill to amend the law.

[Anonymous]

Haha no. The court/legal system doesn’t really factor infidelity into the mix. If you have minor children you may have a better case for more
Money but as a rule it is about division of assets. Try to mediate if at all possible. I have been dragged into litigation. My ex filed. He wants a girlfriend and a contentious divorce and would rather spend $$ on insane legal fees than reach a settlement. It’s all a colossal waste of money and time.

[Anonymous]

Poster at 12/09/2025 07:50, would you mind sharing who your attorney was? Your situation bears some resemblance to what I think mine is going to be like. I'm sorry for what you went through, but it sounds like your attorney (and mediator) handled it well. Would be very grateful for the name of who you used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not how it works. Cheating has no impact on division of marital assets.

This is asking about settlement, not what’s judge is likely to do (the law).

To answer the OP: it depends entirely on the psychology of the cheater. I am not far enough down this road to speak from personal experience yet but I know of a couple settlements where yes this happened because the cheater wanted to get out quick etc.

The issue many people run into however is that the cheater uses divorce or mediation as simply another form of abuse.

Thankfully, I guess, my cheater felt really guilty. He had cheated when the kids were little and I forgave him. I developed a chronic illness from having our kids. He had another affair (emotional, so he says) and knew he'd already blown his one get out of jail free card. He actually said that to me . . . how it was so sad that he was trapped and could never betray me again. But it was ok the one time? Um OK. I said, duh you are not trapped. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

So he offered me a good settlement. Offered me lifetime alimony, and even agreed to forgo the usual cohabitation clause. Claims he gave me more than half of the assets but that's dependent on his valuing different rental properties and businesses. I just wanted my half and I'm confident it was at least close.

I understand that I am extremely fortunate in how this all turned out. But I also refuse to get too excited about him doing the right thing in this one area when he failed in all the others. Our friends and family are generally good people and are utterly horrified by his actions. He would have been a total pariah if he'd tried to screw me financially too.

If you're dealing with someone who

1) Cares about being a total pariah (still has people whose opinions they value), and
2) Doesn't think they can get away with NOT being a pariah while also being as abusive/jerky as possible (those high in narcissistic or antisocial traits will think they can get what they want anyway)

This can probably work.

For those who feel they have nothing to lose? Not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping to settle out of court and he does have a reputation to lose..

Truly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping to settle out of court and he does have a reputation to lose..

Truly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.

That depends on who he cheated with. Remember the Coldplay couple? If your affair would be damaging to your company, people care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping to settle out of court and he does have a reputation to lose..

Truly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.

That depends on who he cheated with. Remember the Coldplay couple? If your affair would be damaging to your company, people care.

Yup-its considered a crime where they both work!

[Anonymous]

ruly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.

Pretty much everyone I know would judge the cheater. You clearly hang out with people with low morals like yours.

[Anonymous]

Truly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.

Extremely ironic take given the news about Sherrone Moore right now. Major sports commentators all seem to agree that his football career is over due to his cheating (exacerbated further by his breakdown) and his reputation has most definitely been harmed.

I'm sure you are a cheater who wants to believe that people don't really care, but the truth is that many people actually do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Truly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.

Extremely ironic take given the news about Sherrone Moore right now. Major sports commentators all seem to agree that his football career is over due to his cheating (exacerbated further by his breakdown) and his reputation has most definitely been harmed.

I'm sure you are a cheater who wants to believe that people don't really care, but the truth is that many people actually do.

He wasn't in trouble for cheating, it was for having an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Truly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.

Extremely ironic take given the news about Sherrone Moore right now. Major sports commentators all seem to agree that his football career is over due to his cheating (exacerbated further by his breakdown) and his reputation has most definitely been harmed.

I'm sure you are a cheater who wants to believe that people don't really care, but the truth is that many people actually do.

He wasn't in trouble for cheating, it was for having an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate.

jj

If your point is that some kinds of cheating don't necessarily trigger social or professional consequences, I agree. But, some kinds of cheating - in the workplace, nonconsensual, young women or w/ sex workers - do have professional consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

ruly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.

Pretty much everyone I know would judge the cheater. You clearly hang out with people with low morals like yours.

I made the original pariah comment and that's been my experience as well.

I intentionally surround myself with community-minded people. They volunteer. They aren't self-absorbed. And yes, they are disgusted when someone gaslights their spouse and kids and then runs off with an affair partner.

I just found out that our teenager asked him a year ago if he was with his AP, and he said, "No, but I might be in a year. But don't tell Mama or your sister." This obvious lie and then directive to keep his secret created huge anxiety and depression for her. She asked to see a counselor at that time, but I didn't know why. The counselor said, "Well can you ask your dad again?" and she said, "He already lied to me once." She had a friend help her google the AP's maiden name to see if that was who he was texting all the time.

That is the problem. Nobody cares what consenting adults do when they are honest and open, and end one relationship before starting another. Even I will say that and I'm the one who got discarded. People do care about gaslighting and blameshifting and excuses and lies. You prove yourself to be an untrustworthy person when you behave like that.