Do you discuss with your spouse how often you want sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

Exactly. She sounds like a nightmare in bed. ‘Here, darling because you put dishes away, you’re being rewarded’. The women that are great in bed are great because they want to be there also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

I read PP as being sarcastic with the "chores" remark. I've seen it less around here in recent years, but there was a period of time where "choreplay" was all the rage in terms of recommendations given to men complaining about their sex life. But, as you note: a) it doesn't work; and b) it's kind of gross when you think about the transaction it implies.

I know others will point to overloaded wives and mothers who would be in the mood for sex more often if they just had a little time to relax. That's certainly not a demographic of zero. But I'm also not convinced it's a huge subset of the wives who don't really want to have sex with their husbands very often. There are women whose hormones are such that their libido isn't going to get revved up no matter how much free time they have. There are women who, no matter how much their husband takes off their plate, will fill that plate with a lot of other things other than sex. There are women whose husbands are already doing a shit ton for the relationship and the family.

I've got one of these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

I read PP as being sarcastic with the "chores" remark. I've seen it less around here in recent years, but there was a period of time where "choreplay" was all the rage in terms of recommendations given to men complaining about their sex life. But, as you note: a) it doesn't work; and b) it's kind of gross when you think about the transaction it implies.

I know others will point to overloaded wives and mothers who would be in the mood for sex more often if they just had a little time to relax. That's certainly not a demographic of zero. But I'm also not convinced it's a huge subset of the wives who don't really want to have sex with their husbands very often. There are women whose hormones are such that their libido isn't going to get revved up no matter how much free time they have. There are women who, no matter how much their husband takes off their plate, will fill that plate with a lot of other things other than sex. There are women whose husbands are already doing a shit ton for the relationship and the family.

NP.

I will go ahead and approach the 3rd rail topic here, after spending some time reading in The Peri and Menopause sub-forum here (I’m trying to understand/ relate to what DW is dealing with, and be supportive). The 3rd rail is: *hormones*

THERE. I said it!

Many if not most of the women in that sub forum have reported losing some or all of their libido (a few experienced the opposite). One particularly honest person even started a topic “Absolutely repulsed by intimacy.”

And many people over there are being honest about this libido change for them in their own menopause or even perimenopause journey:

- they are not suddenly rejecting their husbands for any rational or thought-out reasons.

It’s the hormones.

Theres lots of discussion there. Good discussion. But I don’t feel like there are any magical cures or anything. Some people really like being on HRT (and at least being on T seems to help with disappearing libido, plus energy).

But for most, perimenopause seems to mean interest in sex diminishes and eventually disappears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

Exactly. She sounds like a nightmare in bed. ‘Here, darling because you put dishes away, you’re being rewarded’. The women that are great in bed are great because they want to be there also.

Yeah, no, choreplay doesn't work if you are expecting to get a BJ because you "helped out" around the house. Is there too much on your wife's plate all.the.time? is she working FT and doing all the kid stuff? Is she responsible for doctor's appointments? School management? Holidays? Then the answer is yes, and the reason choreplay doesn't work is you are a dick, sir.

[Anonymous]

Part of the reason that "hormones" is kind of a disfavored topic is because it feels awfully similar to the long and frequent pattern of men accusing women of being "emotional" when they are, in fact, expressing legitimate and rational grievances.

But, even though that history and that pattern are very real, a lot of times hormones really are the reason women don't want to have sex.

So, it's a tough conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

I read PP as being sarcastic with the "chores" remark. I've seen it less around here in recent years, but there was a period of time where "choreplay" was all the rage in terms of recommendations given to men complaining about their sex life. But, as you note: a) it doesn't work; and b) it's kind of gross when you think about the transaction it implies.

I know others will point to overloaded wives and mothers who would be in the mood for sex more often if they just had a little time to relax. That's certainly not a demographic of zero. But I'm also not convinced it's a huge subset of the wives who don't really want to have sex with their husbands very often. There are women whose hormones are such that their libido isn't going to get revved up no matter how much free time they have. There are women who, no matter how much their husband takes off their plate, will fill that plate with a lot of other things other than sex. There are women whose husbands are already doing a shit ton for the relationship and the family.

I've got one of these.

Same. Regret marrying her every day.

[Anonymous]

I just send him a text (if were not together, he comes running), lock the door and undress or join him in the shower. I don't think we've ever had to discuss it, yet.

[Anonymous]

[i]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've discussed it but dh has low t plus is pre-diabetic, has ed and overweight. I had to realize that as much as id like it multiple times a week it ain't going to happen. I was always bringing up how lousy our sex life was and realized it wasn't helping the situation so now I initiate once a week or every other week and hide my anger about it all.

I had to come to terms that he cares more about eating like shit then himself and our life.

Ugh

I could have written this-this is exactly my situation too. I actually got very mad one time when it had been close to a year without it and said “wow you are at the point of the commercials where you are the person they are referring to as not healthy enough for sexual activity” it didn’t go well but being nice about it also didn’t go well so I can’t win. BTW we are only 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of the reason that "hormones" is kind of a disfavored topic is because it feels awfully similar to the long and frequent pattern of men accusing women of being "emotional" when they are, in fact, expressing legitimate and rational grievances.

But, even though that history and that pattern are very real, a lot of times hormones really are the reason women don't want to have sex.

So, it's a tough conversation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[i]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've discussed it but dh has low t plus is pre-diabetic, has ed and overweight. I had to realize that as much as id like it multiple times a week it ain't going to happen. I was always bringing up how lousy our sex life was and realized it wasn't helping the situation so now I initiate once a week or every other week and hide my anger about it all.

I had to come to terms that he cares more about eating like shit then himself and our life.

Ugh

I could have written this-this is exactly my situation too. I actually got very mad one time when it had been close to a year without it and said “wow you are at the point of the commercials where you are the person they are referring to as not healthy enough for sexual activity” it didn’t go well but being nice about it also didn’t go well so I can’t win. BTW we are only 40.

If the man refuses to even talk about it, then you are giving him what he wants by not talking about it.

He either needs to step up, or explain to you why he’s not providing it.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

He’s a ManChild so I told he we’d be having sx once he grows up and gets his act together. Still waiting….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s a ManChild so I told he we’d be having sx once he grows up and gets his act together. Still waiting….

WTH! So you are emotionally manipulating him by not giving sex. Ouch!