I need to get off the emotional rollercoaster with my husband’s BPD mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH are not conjoined twins. Tell him you need a break from her and he needs to visit alone for the foreseeable future. It’s his mother and it is up to him to visit or not.

This is what we did after everything else failed. However, it didn't resolve his part of problem so I'm still troubled by association.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you already know, OP. Yes, you set boundaries for how you will/won't spend your time. Telling your husband how to spend his isn't your place, and is highly likely to backfire, but you don't have to be part of it.

"Every time your mother hoovers you back in, it hurts my heart because I know how likely it is that she's just going to discard you, again, in a few month's time. I understand you want to spend time with you mom, but I don't. You deserves consistent, respectful love and it's hard for me to be around people who aren't willing/able to show you that love. I'll be at _______. Call me when you're back home."

And then you walk. Be there for him, be willing to listen if/when he wants to debrief, but you don't have to be there to witness this anymore. You've seen enough to see the pattern, and have communicated it to him. What he does with that is his business.

I'm sorry. This dynamic is rough. He's lucky to have someone who can help him get some perspective on her mess.

This is actually really helpful. Thanks for posting this. I know it’s what I have to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Im copying your script into my Notes app. Thanks again!

Glad it was helpful (minus the typos, but... yeah ). BTDT with my ex and his family, who tried to blame me, of course. The key is not to tell him he can't see his family. That way, when they try to triangulate you into it, and make you responsible for any argument or separation that might happen, you're clear. My ex still doesn't speak to his family and we've been split for 5+ years now; clearly it wasn't me. He finally came to see his family for who and how they are, and I spoke my piece and then stayed out of it.

Knowing it's right doesn't make it easier to do, but it'll make it easy for you to sleep at night. Best of luck with it!

Thanks! I have a feeling that without me holding his hand, he’s not going to want to make as much effort as he did in the past. I think he liked the idea of a “normal” family gathering, and will feel my absence. I definitely don’t want to prevent him from visiting by himself; more power to him!

I’m curious, with the holidays approaching, what did your first year of holidays look like? We typically host, so I don’t know what that will look like. Again, I don’t care if he goes alone, but I’m worried he will be annoyed or resentful that things don’t look/feel “normal”, even though it has NEVER been normal!

Take a trip for the holidays that BPD person is not invited to.

Although I did not cut out my BPD parent entirely, I became much better about boundaries. If they started yelling, I'd say it was time for me to go. I also told them they'd never see or my children again if they ever spoke to my children how they spoke to me. I'm quite proud I said that! They never did abuse my children the same way they did me. I should have told them the same for myself, but I did not think of that at the time.

One of my siblings has it. I was low contact and now I am VERY low contact. They can no longer call me but I will accept emails. When they know there is proof of what they say in writing, it's amazing how much "nicer" they are. In person, they might scream at me, accuse me of doing things I never did, accuse my family of things, accuse other people of things, and on and on. All they did was raise my blood pressure.

I'm sorry your hubby is caught in the cycle. I agree you can drop the rope. Let your husband plan the holiday and don't let it fall to you. It's likely the BPD will ruin the holiday somehow. I've had my birthday and xmas ruined or nearly so by my sick sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

What a terrible therapist. If they’re telling people this that might explain the crisis of estranged families

Oh, hello, person who never had a BPD family member.

You have no idea what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Why have you been keeping your honest thoughts to yourself? You can be honest and kind at the same time. You shouldn't need to reach a breaking point and blow up to express valid concerns.

You can just tell him the truth . . . I see a pattern here. I don't believe it's going to change. It's causing me stress. I'm going to let go and let this be your situation to handle. I love you, and I want good things for you. At the same time, I can't participate in a toxic cycle any longer.

I'm not sure why gently explaining the truth didn't occur to you . . . I would consider why you walk on eggshells and think that dishonesty = kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why have you been keeping your honest thoughts to yourself? You can be honest and kind at the same time. You shouldn't need to reach a breaking point and blow up to express valid concerns.

You can just tell him the truth . . . I see a pattern here. I don't believe it's going to change. It's causing me stress. I'm going to let go and let this be your situation to handle. I love you, and I want good things for you. At the same time, I can't participate in a toxic cycle any longer.

I'm not sure why gently explaining the truth didn't occur to you . . . I would consider why you walk on eggshells and think that dishonesty = kindness.

OP here. I clarified that we have discussed it before. He is in therapy so it’s a topic that hasn’t been avoided. I’ve bought books for “us”, played podcasts. But I really blew up and was brutally honest this time around. I think I just realized life is too short for this, and I want out. I want to be free, even if he can’t break away.

[Anonymous]

Please stop with buying books for “us” and trying to be his therapist. In addition to not needing to spend time with his mom, it is also ok to say “I cannot be your therapist on this. It is just too much for me.”

You have taken this on as your problem as well — and it really isn’t. I say this as someone whose dad is the problem. I manage it with very strong boundaries and low-ish contact. It isn’t my husband’s problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

You sound too involved. Focus on other things in your life and let him tend to his mother. When he brings up the topic change it or just listen. Basically…who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have you been keeping your honest thoughts to yourself? You can be honest and kind at the same time. You shouldn't need to reach a breaking point and blow up to express valid concerns.

You can just tell him the truth . . . I see a pattern here. I don't believe it's going to change. It's causing me stress. I'm going to let go and let this be your situation to handle. I love you, and I want good things for you. At the same time, I can't participate in a toxic cycle any longer.

I'm not sure why gently explaining the truth didn't occur to you . . . I would consider why you walk on eggshells and think that dishonesty = kindness.

OP here. I clarified that we have discussed it before. He is in therapy so it’s a topic that hasn’t been avoided. I’ve bought books for “us”, played podcasts. But I really blew up and was brutally honest this time around. I think I just realized life is too short for this, and I want out. I want to be free, even if he can’t break away.

Oh wow you’re way too involved! If you aren’t careful, his mom will behave to win him over and he will turn on you.

I’d stay involved if you’re open to divorce.

If not, stop meddling and distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop with buying books for “us” and trying to be his therapist. In addition to not needing to spend time with his mom, it is also ok to say “I cannot be your therapist on this. It is just too much for me.”

You have taken this on as your problem as well — and it really isn’t. I say this as someone whose dad is the problem. I manage it with very strong boundaries and low-ish contact. It isn’t my husband’s problem to solve.

Noted. And that’s the whole point. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not healthy for either of us.