My mom died — what do I need to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you are still in shock but clearly you do not want to go. Sorry for your loss.

Yes, I said clearly that I don’t want to be alone. I want to be at home with my children.

[Anonymous]

Request more original death certificates than you think you'll need. Like, at least a dozen. My dad was surprised how many places required an original as he worked at shutting down my mom's life.

She didn't have much of a life independent of him- all her credit cards were linked to him, his name was on all bank accounts she had, they shared an Amazon account, etc. And yet, he had to spend hours and days and weeks calling and emailing various places to get her name taken off things, and so many required original death certificates.

Also, go to her apartment and get the things you'd be devastated if the landlord took or threw them out. Jewelry, photographs, paperwork, recipes, you'll want stuff with her handwriting.

Don't pay the home health aides more than a week - there are a lot of boomers and it will be easy for them to find another job.

Don't shut down your mom's Facebook until you have contacted all her friends on there. It's kind of tacky but the easiest way is to log into her account and put up a post saying you're her daughter, she died suddenly Saturday night, please friend Your Name if they want details on the memorial which will be in few weeks/months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away is it? Plane trip or car ride?

I could drive, it’s like 8 hours, but I don’t feel safe driving that tonight. So, I would fly.

I just haven’t seen anyone say anything that can’t be done virtually yet. People saying I will regret it aren’t saying why.

You don’t want to go, and that’s okay. For tonight, just get some rest. You can decide your timeline for going up there later.

[Anonymous]

Op, I was in your shoes about a year ago as the only child of a suddenly deceased parent who lived alone. I flew out immediately (from overseas) out of a sense of obligation and because more distant relatives expected it/pressured me to. It was horribly lonely and depressing and there was really no need for me to physically be there/very little I could accomplish. I regretted it and ended up moving my return flight.

Ignore all the pps telling you that you have to go now/will regret not doing so and do whatever works best and feels right for you.

[Anonymous]

It’s late. You don’t need to go tonight. Try to get a good nights sleep. Pack a suitcase and if you have a flat expandable duffel throw that in or take two suitcases. That way you can bring back some of her belongings

Some people find it helpful / important to see the body.

Get 20 death certificates.

[Anonymous]

It's late and you should sleep.

After my Dad died suddenly from a heart attack, I also thought I could just stay home with my children.

But I got a plane ticket there the next morning and i actually can't imagine not going now.

Seeing his body was essential to me really processing the death. I screamed and cried and felt myself kind of go to the next stage of grief.

We needed to cremate him pretty quickly (according to our religion). I was back and forth at the funeral home many times arranging that. They wanted a family member to light the fire, and then I needed to pick up the ashes, and then pick up the death certificate. I was physically there many times.

I found a binder in his office with all of this accounts, and I needed to go one by one and call all of the financial institution.


You will never regret going. You may very well regret not going, and you may also find it harder to process the loss.

I'm very very sorry. It feels physically painful to deal with this, but it's a rite of passages, just like giving birth. You'll be glad to be fully present for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you mean "independent living" as a level of care at a CCRC, or do you mean she lived independently with some hired help? If it's the former, they can walk you through everything (including a least expensive place for a cremation), but it sounds like it's the latter. Is there someone here who could come with you, or is there someone from your mother's church who could meet you? It's an exhausting process mentally, and it can help to have someone who makes sure you're eating, resting, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother, who lived in another city, passed away suddenly today. She was found dead, probably a heart attack.

I have no other family in her area, everyone else had moved away.

My first instinct was that I should go there, but I realize I don’t know why I feel that way. She would want to be cremated, and we will arrange a service up there for her friends, but probably not for a few weeks.

Is there a reason I need to go immediately? No pets and she lived in a rented apartment in independent living.

Is her independent living facility capable of connecting you with affordable services?

Funeral homes will upsell cremation services. Be wary and do some price comparison by phone.

Are your mother's valuables secure?

Will you need to have her living space vacated as of 9/30?

Familiarize yourself with what you need to do to have her death officially reported. You will need to turn off all of her Social Security and pension benefits in a timely fashion or you'll have repayment headaches.

Don't publish an obituary until you have everything under control. In fact, you may not need one. Public notices can tip off fraudsters.

Agree with all this. It’s a lot easier to handle the paperwork mess of death if you are there, in person.

You also need to get a copy of the lease and figure out thingsvwith assisted living. Do you get a deposit back, or does she owe?

[Anonymous]

You will need to clear the apt out. Quicker is better.