Do you feel obligated to financially support your parent(s)?

[Anonymous]

I did live with them and they did support me financially until I worked full time, then they charged me rent. And no, I don't feel any obligation to support them. One is dead, but the alive one is very financially comfortable while I am ... not. By a long shot.

[Anonymous]

Not if they have other family, didn’t do squat for me, and I don’t really like them. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. It's not fair. You certainly don't owe him the money and it does not make you a bad person to say no. It also doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing situation.

But I think the most important question is:

What will bring YOU peace? Would it fill some kind of void to give him financial support or will it make you more stressed/resentful? Is there a route that will give you closure? How can you avoid regret (which could mean giving or not)?

Just remember that you are in control here. As an adult, you get to decide what makes you feel most comfortable. His influence over your life is over. I hope you can find the right path that let's you move forward.

+1. What will bring you peace is an excellent question.

[Anonymous]

In your case I’d help him sign up for Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Since he's still married, you'd essentially be supporting his wife and perhaps step-kids. Is this what you want to do?

I'd consider if he was single and desperate, even if he was not there for you. But with his own long-time family they're essentially all with their hands out now... no. They see you as a cash cow, nothing more. And as someone said in an earlier post, if you give them anything, they'll keep asking and asking and yes, after your father dies, it'll be the stepmom and her kids. They're poor so they have infinite needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. It's not fair. You certainly don't owe him the money and it does not make you a bad person to say no. It also doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing situation.

But I think the most important question is:

What will bring YOU peace? Would it fill some kind of void to give him financial support or will it make you more stressed/resentful? Is there a route that will give you closure? How can you avoid regret (which could mean giving or not)?

Just remember that you are in control here. As an adult, you get to decide what makes you feel most comfortable. His influence over your life is over. I hope you can find the right path that let's you move forward.

+1. What will bring you peace is an excellent question.

But even asking this has an element of the manipulative relationship her parents and step family created. They are putting pressure on OP and guilting her so that giving them money will bring peace (in the form of them leaving her alone). She has to be extra careful to separate all that negative influence from her real emotions, which is probably why she is posting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since he's still married, you'd essentially be supporting his wife and perhaps step-kids. Is this what you want to do?

I'd consider if he was single and desperate, even if he was not there for you. But with his own long-time family they're essentially all with their hands out now... no. They see you as a cash cow, nothing more. And as someone said in an earlier post, if you give them anything, they'll keep asking and asking and yes, after your father dies, it'll be the stepmom and her kids. They're poor so they have infinite needs.

The step kids are grown adults, one a couple years younger and one older. They both are financially stable and have their own families-but are local to my father and stepmom. So essentially when my father does pass away I know they are going to ask me to cover all of those expenses. But after that I will absolutely not be supporting my step mom as she has her two own children for that. It’s just a grey area now since, he is my father and I am his only biological child.

[Anonymous]

If a man remarries, the wife is (legally) responsible for the care, not an adult child. She's in charge of care and decision making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Specifically if 1. They were not the parent you lived with (think parents not together since birth)

2. They didn’t actually support you growing up in any way-never helped with school stuff, health insurance, general well being etc…

My father tried his best but was just not an involved father. I only saw him a couple times a year growing up and I love him but i’m struggling because he is in poor health and I am being pressured to help financially.

For some background-my father is married and has been since I was young and has stepkids-and they all live locally to him. I do not.

I worked my butt off when I was young to get myself out of the life of poverty I was born into. I went into a lot of debt in college as although I got the maximum allowed free money for being poor-it wasn’t enough and then I also went to grad school which was pretty much 100% a loan. I became a fairly successful adult and now feel like i’m being made to feel obligated to help a person that watched me struggle and offered no assistance. Let me add that although my father was and is very poor-He seemed to still have money for the latest tvs, vacations etc…just no money for books I needed in college etc…

So what do you do? Do you help them even though you feel resentful and are expected to support someone who didn’t provide you the same? Or hold your ground and let it be?

I would hold my ground and let it be. It's a super complex situation with a stepmom, stepkids, and a dad who didn't actually support you growing up. If you give them money, it will probably create a long-term dependency, which will probably leave you to sit in your resentment more than you already do. I'd just say no and tell them it's because you're behind financially and took out so much student loan debt that you don't have extra money to share with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specifically if 1. They were not the parent you lived with (think parents not together since birth)

2. They didn’t actually support you growing up in any way-never helped with school stuff, health insurance, general well being etc…

My father tried his best but was just not an involved father. I only saw him a couple times a year growing up and I love him but i’m struggling because he is in poor health and I am being pressured to help financially.

For some background-my father is married and has been since I was young and has stepkids-and they all live locally to him. I do not.

I worked my butt off when I was young to get myself out of the life of poverty I was born into. I went into a lot of debt in college as although I got the maximum allowed free money for being poor-it wasn’t enough and then I also went to grad school which was pretty much 100% a loan. I became a fairly successful adult and now feel like i’m being made to feel obligated to help a person that watched me struggle and offered no assistance. Let me add that although my father was and is very poor-He seemed to still have money for the latest tvs, vacations etc…just no money for books I needed in college etc…

So what do you do? Do you help them even though you feel resentful and are expected to support someone who didn’t provide you the same? Or hold your ground and let it be?

I would hold my ground and let it be. It's a super complex situation with a stepmom, stepkids, and a dad who didn't actually support you growing up. If you give them money, it will probably create a long-term dependency, which will probably leave you to sit in your resentment more than you already do. I'd just say no and tell them it's because you're behind financially and took out so much student loan debt that you don't have extra money to share with them.

+1
I usually don’t advise lying, because these type of people can and will find a way around it, but this is an easy way to shut it down and keep it easy for op.