Do you feel obligated to financially support your parent(s)?

[Anonymous]

Specifically if 1. They were not the parent you lived with (think parents not together since birth)

2. They didn’t actually support you growing up in any way-never helped with school stuff, health insurance, general well being etc…

My father tried his best but was just not an involved father. I only saw him a couple times a year growing up and I love him but i’m struggling because he is in poor health and I am being pressured to help financially.

For some background-my father is married and has been since I was young and has stepkids-and they all live locally to him. I do not.

I worked my butt off when I was young to get myself out of the life of poverty I was born into. I went into a lot of debt in college as although I got the maximum allowed free money for being poor-it wasn’t enough and then I also went to grad school which was pretty much 100% a loan. I became a fairly successful adult and now feel like i’m being made to feel obligated to help a person that watched me struggle and offered no assistance. Let me add that although my father was and is very poor-He seemed to still have money for the latest tvs, vacations etc…just no money for books I needed in college etc…

So what do you do? Do you help them even though you feel resentful and are expected to support someone who didn’t provide you the same? Or hold your ground and let it be?

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. You said he did his best with you. How did that compare to how he treated his second family? Did those kids get the kind of support you wanted but didn’t get?

Who exactly is pressuring you to provide financial support? Your father’s wife? Second set of kids? Your mother?

How much are they asking you to give?

[Anonymous]

I would not give him a cent. I’d help him sign up for benefits. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

No. My mom was happy to cut us loose when we went to college which she was very clear they would not pay for even though her relatives paid for her college. She gives insane amounts of money to her church and I’ve told her if she runs out, I cannot pay for assisted living. I would give her money for food and essentials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. You said he did his best with you. How did that compare to how he treated his second family? Did those kids get the kind of support you wanted but didn’t get?

Who exactly is pressuring you to provide financial support? Your father’s wife? Second set of kids? Your mother?

How much are they asking you to give?

His wife, my step mom (who was never accepting of me) and the older step sibling are the ones pressuring me. The step kids grew up with him so logistically, yes they were given more support when they were young. They were still fairly young when He and my step mom got together. And as far as what they are asking for- several hundred each time they have asked and that has been several times a year for the last severest years. I’ve only given once and that was for extenuating circumstances-and I paid the actual place they needed to pay directly rather than giving them the money to do it.

[Anonymous]

What is the situation there now? Are they getting pensions? Social security?

If you are able to afford it, I would offer to pay for a financial planner or someone in eldercare finances to help them get a better handle on how they are going to live these elderly years. But you can’t carry them financially.

[Anonymous]

And no. Feel no guilt. Your obligation is to your mom if she’s around, and to your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the situation there now? Are they getting pensions? Social security?

If you are able to afford it, I would offer to pay for a financial planner or someone in eldercare finances to help them get a better handle on how they are going to live these elderly years. But you can’t carry them financially.

they get social security-no pensions as they both have only had very low level jobs with little benefits that don’t offer pensions. Step mom still works part time in retail. My father can’t work due to poor health. The financial planner etc…is a good idea but I worry that it will just be wasted as they won’t follow any of the advice given. This is based on past advice being given to them that they simply disregard.

[Anonymous]

You should not feel bad about not financially supporting him. Especially if it compromises your life or your savings goals.

What are they asking you to pay for??? It’s different if he’s starving or there are some extenuating circumstances, which you would want to pay directly. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what it is.

Agree with the earlier poster, you could help connect him with services if he has ongoing needs.

— From someone who had a complicated relationship with my father who also needed help (less financial but more with actual emergency care coordination) towards the end of his life.

[Anonymous]

No is a full sentence. You are not obligated in any way, shape or form to help this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. You said he did his best with you. How did that compare to how he treated his second family? Did those kids get the kind of support you wanted but didn’t get?

Who exactly is pressuring you to provide financial support? Your father’s wife? Second set of kids? Your mother?

How much are they asking you to give?

His wife, my step mom (who was never accepting of me) and the older step sibling are the ones pressuring me. The step kids grew up with him so logistically, yes they were given more support when they were young. They were still fairly young when He and my step mom got together. And as far as what they are asking for- several hundred each time they have asked and that has been several times a year for the last severest years. I’ve only given once and that was for extenuating circumstances-and I paid the actual place they needed to pay directly rather than giving them the money to do it.

If you love him and you’re his only biological child and you say he did his best with you (although it sounds like the bare minimum), I would help with the benefits, as people suggest, and maybe direct payments to hospitals or other providers. I would not give any cash directly to him or his wife. Only do this if it won’t compromise your financial situation or take away from your nuclear family.

When my mom died, one of the things she said she regretted was not being more generous with people. That has stayed with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And no. Feel no guilt. Your obligation is to your mom if she’s around, and to your own family.

+1

Biology flows downhill.

[Anonymous]

No. He is not isolated let them figure it out.

[Anonymous]

No no no no no. I am adopted, and this is the equivalent of my birth father showing up and his wife and kids pressuring me to give them money. I don't care that he knocked your mother up, he was not a real father to you. Seeing him "a couple times a year" is dog sht. Sorry if that comes off too harshly but the whole "he's blood" thing always sets me off.

OP, you don't have to lift a finger for this person. Certainly don't give a dime. Like a PP said, if you want to help with the legwork to get him on Medicaid or something, that would be more than the kindness he deserves.

[Anonymous]

No. Absolutely not. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. He did not "do his best" with you. He replaced you with a new family and now wants your cash. What the actual f***.

My dad was similar, but likely worse. I didn't see him a few times a year, I maybe heard from him every few years. His new wife reached out to me on facebook a while back after I had posted about buying my first home. She tried guilting me about how he was dying, I hadn't seen him in so long, I should come visit etc. It wasn't even he who reached out. They didn't care, I'm 99% sure it was just a ploy for money. Anyways, that was 10 years ago and he still hasn't died soo. I am offended on your behalf that these money grubbing a$$holes are crawling out of the woodwork.