I don’t want to see grandma

[Anonymous]

Better arrange some activity together, like visiting the zoo? Going to pool to swim? Museum? Beach? It's boring for kids anyway to go sit at a couch at grandma's, and especially for an autistic child. Heck, it's even boring for neurotypical adults. Lots of old people think others enjoy sitting in their living room for hours on end. Figure out some activity together and then retreat to quiet. You do activities with your kid anyways, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better arrange some activity together, like visiting the zoo? Going to pool to swim? Museum? Beach? It's boring for kids anyway to go sit at a couch at grandma's, and especially for an autistic child. Heck, it's even boring for neurotypical adults. Lots of old people think others enjoy sitting in their living room for hours on end. Figure out some activity together and then retreat to quiet. You do activities with your kid anyways, right?

The issue isn’t boredom. It’s grandma getting in his face and backing him literally into a corner unrelentingly. OP you have to stay nearby and pull him away. When she does it to you , you have to calmly say stop and leave. She will get it after a while. It’s like training a dog.

I am not a hugger and I will not tolerate random relatives kissing, tickling or grabbing me in any way. There were a few who took it as their personal mission to push this constantly. Each and everytime, I blocked them, moved away and reminded them I’m not a hugger or kisser. I got pout pout faces, pursing up and smacking lips and all kinds of weird crap. I just said nope not doing it. They occasionally make a snide remark oh you aren’t a hugger but go on their way. Both my kids are confident in their ability to say no and not let others violate their personal space just because a weird relative wants to do it.

[Anonymous]

OP is exaggerating about grandma. I don't believe it's nearly as bad as she says.

[Anonymous]

You sound very inflexible and are teaching your son that inflexibility.

[Anonymous]

OP, although there are a few good responses in this thread it's mostly trolls and clueless people. Post in Special Needs. Hugs to you and a gentle wave to your boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very inflexible and are teaching your son that inflexibility.

It sounds like grandma is inflexible if she can’t shut the hell up for 5 minutes out of 60.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very inflexible and are teaching your son that inflexibility.

It sounds like grandma is inflexible if she can’t shut the hell up for 5 minutes out of 60.

Sure OP, sure. You know you’re wrong here. Teach your kid to deal with life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of Grandma. She sounds obnoxious.

She just sounds old and lonely.

How impaired is your child? My autistic niece couldn’t say she didn’t want to see someone because of her limited speech.

It’s best to build his tolerance of loud people or situations. She can’t be in his face the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a kid with ASD, my mama bear came out often. My job is to protect him and help him grow. When he's not in a place to learn and grow, I didn't take him. If someone was in his space, I would physically intervene and remove him from the situation. That often meant driving 2 cars so one parent could stay and one could leave.

DS is 15 now. He has no problems setting his own boundaries. He understands his frustration tolerance level and can articulate it. It takes time and maturity. Letting gma constantly invade his space is teaching him that you are not his safety net. And while gma maybe facing her own declining issues, she is still the adult in this scenario. She needs to deal with him being removed. She can get pissy about it but she's probably not changing her behavior either.

I doubt grandma can change her behavior anymore than he can. Don’t always assume it’s only your child who has issues or who is uncomfortable and as a result might act inappropriately

[Anonymous]

When they are together, try to create physical barriers that force grandma to keep her distance. Have them sit on opposite sides of the table, opposite ends of the sofa, you and spouse place yourselves in between them. If grandma ends up next to ds, teach ds to excuse himself and go to the bathroom for a couple minutes. During that time, you and spouse sit down next to grandma so ds can sit farther away. Or you can ask ds to get something for you and then you sit down next to grandma. Keep running interference as necessary to give ds space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep taking the child, they need to learn to deal with it.

No, a kid with autism who is already trying strategies like headphones does not need to “deal with” a grown adult who can’t make any effort to recognize and respect the boundaries of both neurotypical people and people with autism.

OP, I would limit contact to very specific, out-of-the-house things, like a hour at the park where the adults sip coffee while the kids play, or going to an activity or event the kid likes, and the adults pay attention to grandma.

+1 exactly. Grandma is not a goddess who must be constantly appeased. She’s not going to make a volcano blow if you don’t worship her. She’s just an ordinary human who has no manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of Grandma. She sounds obnoxious.

She just sounds old and lonely.

How impaired is your child? My autistic niece couldn’t say she didn’t want to see someone because of her limited speech.

It’s best to build his tolerance of loud people or situations. She can’t be in his face the whole time.

By your logic, your niece should just build up to saying she didn't want to see someone.

[Anonymous]

I empathize. My dad is a talker. I’ve never met someone who talks this much about everything. It’s not a normal level of chatty. My whole life I’ve avoided asking anything but need-to-know questions or he launches for an hour +. We all cope differently but we all really mind it, including my dh who is very social. Dh’s strategy is interrupt and redirect with action if necessary (like hey let’s go get ice cream) I tune it all out mentally and don’t listen and just chime in minimally. My dd will ask to be excused and to go read a book.

[Anonymous]

I agree that posting in special needs will yield better responses. Also keep in mind there is one troll or triggered old bat that jumps on every thread to say the boomer behaving badly is never wrong, force your children to endure whatever nastiness they fling etc etc.

As to what to do, I think having a clear and very direct conversation with grandma about her getting in peoples faces and constantly talking without allowing escape is important. She is cognitively capable of understanding what you are saying. I would also be clear that no one enjoys this but an autistic kid can’t bear it. Tell her that you understand it may be a habit for her but if she can’t control herself you will intervene. The next consequence is that grandma doesn’t get to visit the kid in person until he’s older.

On the next visit, try to set them both up for success. Follow the other posters advice to create physical barriers between them. Play cards at a table, don’t let her sit next to him, direct her and him to locations where she can be managed and he can be removed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The issue isn’t boredom. It’s grandma getting in his face and backing him literally into a corner unrelentingly. OP you have to stay nearby and pull him away. When she does it to you , you have to calmly say stop and leave. She will get it after a while. It’s like training a dog.

I am not a hugger and I will not tolerate random relatives kissing, tickling or grabbing me in any way. There were a few who took it as their personal mission to push this constantly. Each and everytime, I blocked them, moved away and reminded them I’m not a hugger or kisser. I got pout pout faces, pursing up and smacking lips and all kinds of weird crap. I just said nope not doing it. They occasionally make a snide remark oh you aren’t a hugger but go on their way. Both my kids are confident in their ability to say no and not let others violate their personal space just because a weird relative wants to do it.

When you do activities, it's not just about diffusing boredom, it takes away opportunities to "back someone into a corner". You move around, you do things. Issues like having to listen to a monologue, being backed up into a corner or fending off people who want to kiss you happen when you linger around, usually inside. Get out and about and these problems usually self-resolve. Nobody is going to force a kiss on you when you go about looking at the exhibits in a museum or go to a pool for a swim.