15 YO Aud/ADHD son is so rude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

Many specialists will also tell you to teach your 15 yr/old how to identify when they are maxed out (this is a skill that doesn't come magically to all people with ASD/ADHD) and how to appropriately ask for space (scripts to practice).

"Mom I'm tired. I need some space."
"My day was fine. Can we talk later?"
"I'm pissed off about something right now. I'll be in my room. [Leaves.]"
Etc.

That is A LOT to expect of a 15 year old with ASD. Many parents have expectations that are unreasonable and then get upset when their kids can’t meet them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

No competent specialist will say to allow a teen to get out of chores or basic politeness.

This is true of neurotypical people. Not true of autism.

I cut demands early on. This allowed a rebalancing.

My oldest is an accomplished college athlete. My middle is pursuing an advanced degree and the youngest is a bit of both.

None of them would have had the spoons to make it through high performance tasks if they also had to do non preferred tasks or were expected to socialize like a neurotypical.

I value being a kind considerate human over being an athlete or being a super student. I wouldn’t let my kids get away with terrible behavior so they can be on a sports team. Good luck to their future spouses….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

No competent specialist will say to allow a teen to get out of chores or basic politeness.

This is true of neurotypical people. Not true of autism.

I cut demands early on. This allowed a rebalancing.

My oldest is an accomplished college athlete. My middle is pursuing an advanced degree and the youngest is a bit of both.

None of them would have had the spoons to make it through high performance tasks if they also had to do non preferred tasks or were expected to socialize like a neurotypical.

I value being a kind considerate human over being an athlete or being a super student. I wouldn’t let my kids get away with terrible behavior so they can be on a sports team. Good luck to their future spouses….

NP. There is a huge difference between not being social and terrible behavior. OP might have to accept her kid needs more space than she expects and teach him how to do for space politely. Teaching my AuDHD teen to say no politely to requests hasn’t been easy but is paying off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the phone, he earns it back when behavior improves. Don’t use disability as an excuse.

He sounds like a typical teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like getting through the day is hard and his tank is just empty by the end of school. He doesn’t need or want additional social interaction at home.

This and it’s pretty much the same with any teen boy. But one with struggles who is probably overstimulated and works hard to stay on task. Needs to destress. Maybe if you didn’t expect talking/socialization so much he would come down more later?

But after school ir sports, my kids are holed up in their room for easily 1-2 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

Many specialists will also tell you to teach your 15 yr/old how to identify when they are maxed out (this is a skill that doesn't come magically to all people with ASD/ADHD) and how to appropriately ask for space (scripts to practice).

"Mom I'm tired. I need some space."
"My day was fine. Can we talk later?"
"I'm pissed off about something right now. I'll be in my room. [Leaves.]"
Etc.

That is A LOT to expect of a 15 year old with ASD. Many parents have expectations that are unreasonable and then get upset when their kids can’t meet them.

Pp here that you quoted. If you’ve met one kid with ASD, you’ve met one kid with ASD. Parents of 15 yr/olds who can’t yet learn (or start learning, or who will never learn) these skills don’t need to feel bad. But for teens who are ready, these skills - however long they take to learn - can help a lot. There’s no reason not to model, practice and validate. Hopefully nobody here is saying that parents need to be getting upset at their teens.

[Anonymous]

Seek support from an OT. This is so important, so that you end up with genuine connection with your kiddo, despite their fatigue from having to mask so many things during the school day. Find support who can do a home assessment on a weekend. Emily Griffin is amazing at assisting to unify the family and identify problem areas. Sounds like your son is holding a grudge against you for demanding things from him that he just cannot do. Yes there are changes with the teen years, but find someone who is great at navigating the Au experience for kiddos his age. He doesn't need more punishments. You all need more informed support to reach a compassionate end goal, which is a happy, healthy family.