15 YO Aud/ADHD son is so rude

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard to deal with. My son does very well at school and requires no intervention for him to stay on task, so that’s my one easy thing.

Other than that, he is rude and combative with me and DH. He is actually nice to his younger siblings, we just seem to get the brunt of his moods.

When he gets in the car for school pick up and drop off he refuses to talk to us. He then spends the rest of the evening in his room or outside. He does do his chores but only after the threat of losing his phone. He basically only says “leave me alone,” “shut my door” to us.

He is so unpleasant. Any helpful advice to deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Can he take the bus home? Why do nice things for him when he is being rude?

[Anonymous]

I would discuss with an OT how you can help him regulate after spending a challenging day at school. Just because he doesn't need supports at school doesn't mean he's thriving.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like getting through the day is hard and his tank is just empty by the end of school. He doesn’t need or want additional social interaction at home.

[Anonymous]

Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to talk to him immediately after school. Silently offer a snack, and otherwise say nothing. Change the chores around so he doesn't get his phone UNTIL he's done his chores. He has to earn his phone after school each day.

[Anonymous]

Even my super social, non ASD boy wants no conversation after school. At 15 he would snark at me if I asked him “how was your day”? But a pat, an “I’m glad to see you,” ans and a snack as he headed to his room…that filled his tank enough that he could emerge at dinner time and be reasonably pleasant.

Teens HATE being asked questions about their life, even “how was lunch”?

[Anonymous]

I agree that his tank is probably low when he gets home, but it’s still unacceptable to be rude to adults. When he’s in a good mood, sit down with him and explain what you have noticed and what you want him to do instead. He can be expected to say hi. That’s not unreasonable. If you want this, make it clear. I’d make a short list of rules in writing and give him a copy. He can get his own snack. If the chores aren’t done by whatever time you said, take the phone. Predetermine this. Nagging him just fuels the fire. He can set an alert on his phone for a time warning.

If he’s continually rude, and you are sure you are giving him time to decompress and aren’t in his face all the time, then there are consequences. You can take the door off his room, you can keep the phone and give him a flip phone, etc.

You have to determine what is driving his behavior and give him other outlets for it. Does he need a therapist? Ask him what he is thinking and feeling when he acts like this. He may respond better to you in writing than verbally. See a family therapist for a few sessions.

[Anonymous]

His tank is depleted by pick up. Let him have the car ride home free of expectations. Let him put on headphones and listen to music or an audio book or whatever he needs to decompress. If he's already maxed out and then gets in the car and it's a tense environment because you're annoyed with him, he's just going to spiral further inward. Let him have time to get his levels back up.

[Anonymous]

Take the phone, he earns it back when behavior improves. Don’t use disability as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss with an OT how you can help him regulate after spending a challenging day at school. Just because he doesn't need supports at school doesn't mean he's thriving.

He’s 15 - he doesn’t need “help” regulating. He is regulating himself just fine by going outside and taking time for himself in his room. He doesn’t need mommy to help him do breathing exercises.

he DOES need mom to have perspective on what rudeness actually is. being quiet after a long day is not rude. A teen boy preferring to be out of the house or in his room is not rude. He should be taught to say hello, goodbye, and excuse himself to go to his room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

No competent specialist will say to allow a teen to get out of chores or basic politeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

I agree. Sounds like a combo of restraint collapse and demand avoidance. Try dropping demands and offering him more choice on how/when to complete the task if it’s absolutely necessary. Use declarative language vs imperative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

I agree. Sounds like a combo of restraint collapse and demand avoidance. Try dropping demands and offering him more choice on how/when to complete the task if it’s absolutely necessary. Use declarative language vs imperative.

Stupid advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

I agree. Sounds like a combo of restraint collapse and demand avoidance. Try dropping demands and offering him more choice on how/when to complete the task if it’s absolutely necessary. Use declarative language vs imperative.

It seems like it until you have a child with PDA. OP’s hardline my way or the highway is not going to work.

Stupid advice.