How did you tell your elderly parent they can’t live with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in Great shape for 88- health wise, cognitively, and physically. She will probably outlive me, I’m 60 with health issues. She lives with us 6 months out of the year, the rest in Honduras doing mission work with her church. I’ve shared with her that Honduras is a dangerous country and she should move either permanently to the USA or go to Korea where they have a great program for seniors. She doesn’t want to do either. She likes her “freedom” to come and go to include coming to stay with my family 5-6+ months.

I have 3 kids- 15,16, and 17. I don’t regret having them late in life but I’m tired snd stress. I no longer want my mother here, when she’s here she takes over and I have to explain a million things all over again.

I found out she’s been giving all her money from her pension to her church mission group. I’m beside myself, how is she going to afford a assisted living or nursing home? My brother is unemployed and won’t help. I don’t know what to do, I am getting mean because ai resent the fact I have to take care of her.

Has anyone had the conversation with their parent, telling them that they will also have to pay their own expenses when they find a place? For us, I am able to help find a place for my mother and also help with minor expenses but not much. I’m depressed over this, I still have college expenses coming up,

What do you mean Honduras is dangerous?

Even if it is...she's been going to Honduras for years and is now 88. If she gets taken out in Honduras, so be it...she lived a full life.

[Anonymous]

If she has a pension, you might be able to afford an assisted living in the DC area, if that’s where you are. It won’t be one of the fancy ones but we just got my into one where he has his own apartment, 3 meals a day, transportation to appointments, laundry, and housekeeping for $3800/month. Activities, too, though he’s not much of a joiner, but at least they’re offered. We can actually visit him and enjoy his company now.

You have to live for you, OP, and your kids.

[Anonymous]

You have to do something with the room she stays in and say you can’t accommodate her.
Tell her there’s a roommate now or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also she can live in a medicaid nursing home. It will not be very nice, but frankly that is her problem. She should have saved her money.

Medicaid will look at the fact that she has been giving her money away, and if it's over a threshold, will deem her ineligible for mediaid. You can't just give away your money to the person/charity of your choice and then expect the government to fully support you.

Actually, you can.

Medicare will only audit the past 5 years, so as long as she gave away most of the money before that, she’s covered.

[Anonymous]

Tell the church they cannot accept money from her. Declare her incompetent on the basis that she is not covering her needs - are you POA in her will? Then use her money to pay for her care in a nearby facility. She’s 88 - no one is going to contest what you say since you can get the documentation to prove it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also she can live in a medicaid nursing home. It will not be very nice, but frankly that is her problem. She should have saved her money.

She doesn’t really qualify for that level of care yet, right?

FYI my dad’s church is taking $50,000 a year from him and feels like exploitation. I guess it’s common.

how is the church "taking" from him. i assume you mean he is "giving" it to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also she can live in a medicaid nursing home. It will not be very nice, but frankly that is her problem. She should have saved her money.

She doesn’t really qualify for that level of care yet, right?

FYI my dad’s church is taking $50,000 a year from him and feels like exploitation. I guess it’s common.

how is the church "taking" from him. i assume you mean he is "giving" it to them.

because they are guilable people. they give even if they don't have it and the church doesn't need it.

[Anonymous]

How many years has the current arrangement been going on? How many years did she/your parents support your living expenses?

Are you married/living with a partner? If so, what are the arrangements with their parents? With your father?

How much did your mother help out when the kids are younger?

[Anonymous]

The OP posted in March 2025.