How did you tell your elderly parent they can’t live with you
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Anonymous
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My mom is in Great shape for 88- health wise, cognitively, and physically. She will probably outlive me, I’m 60 with health issues. She lives with us 6 months out of the year, the rest in Honduras doing mission work with her church. I’ve shared with her that Honduras is a dangerous country and she should move either permanently to the USA or go to Korea where they have a great program for seniors. She doesn’t want to do either. She likes her “freedom” to come and go to include coming to stay with my family 5-6+ months.
I have 3 kids- 15,16, and 17. I don’t regret having them late in life but I’m tired snd stress. I no longer want my mother here, when she’s here she takes over and I have to explain a million things all over again. I found out she’s been giving all her money from her pension to her church mission group. I’m beside myself, how is she going to afford a assisted living or nursing home? My brother is unemployed and won’t help. I don’t know what to do, I am getting mean because ai resent the fact I have to take care of her. Has anyone had the conversation with their parent, telling them that they will also have to pay their own expenses when they find a place? For us, I am able to help find a place for my mother and also help with minor expenses but not much. I’m depressed over this, I still have college expenses coming up, |
Anonymous
| You posted this before. |
Anonymous
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Yes I remember your post from before. I'm amazed that the church is doing this with anyone so elderly, but I suppose she is getting room and board in exchange for her "donation" so that's something.
There's really no way to say it that will be well-received. So you accept that she will react badly and you will need to hold the line. You say "Mom, I can't manage having you live with us anymore. I will help you find an apartment. You need to stop donating so much to your church so that you can afford an apartment." And then she yells at you or cries or guilt-trips or calls you a bad Korean daughter or whatever, and you say "Even so, I can't host you anymore so you need to find an apartment." And over some time she gets used to it. I do think you'll have to take the lead on the apartment hunt. Put her name down on senior living waiting lists right now, do it today. |
Anonymous
| Just tell her no, firmly. She needs to move to assisted living facility. |
Anonymous
| Also she can live in a medicaid nursing home. It will not be very nice, but frankly that is her problem. She should have saved her money. |
Anonymous
| Where is she now, and when does she next expect to live with you? |
Anonymous
| Lean heavily on the fact that you need to pay for your kids college as well as save. The fact that she’s giving her money to the church is generous but annoying if it’s coming at your expense, literally as well as figuratively. if you can find an apartment that’s reasonably near you, That might be a good compromise. Does your brother keep her company and do things like take her on errands or outings or is he completely checked out on everything, not just financial assistance? |
Anonymous
| It's weird to me that you've had her living with you for half the year for a while but suddenly, as your kids are about to get to college age (and you will presumably have more space) this is the time you want to cut her off? I would focus more on the financial aspect than the living with you aspect. Tell her that she needs to save her money because you have three kids to get through college and simply won't have the money to support her. Simple as that. The living with you thing seems like a more difficult argument because you've been allowing it. And honestly, your mom is 88. She will die soon and you aren't going to have to deal with this much longer. |
Anonymous
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I take it she's Korean?
If she is giving significant amounts to a church, you cannot say that she's cognitively all there any more, OP. But that shouldn't stop you from being CRYSTAL clear about not expecting support from you. At the same time, OP, don't stress yourself even more by borrowing trouble. She might drop dead while still out and about. It would be the best outcome. I think that there might come a time when she falls and breaks her hip or something. You take her out of the hospital fly her to Korea and enroll her in one of the nursing homes you describe. Are you sure she can afford it now? My grandparents went to Japanese nursing homes, and my father had to help pay for them - which he did gladly, because we all a great relationship. But it wasn't cheap. |
Anonymous
Medicaid will look at the fact that she has been giving her money away, and if it's over a threshold, will deem her ineligible for mediaid. You can't just give away your money to the person/charity of your choice and then expect the government to fully support you. |
Anonymous
This is why OP needs to sit with her mother and very clearly explain that the church giving must stop. |
Anonymous
She cannot come here as she cannot get government assistance. And, does she speak english? Assisted living is about $5K and a nursing home is $10-15K a month. And, why would she go to Korea without speaking the language and no family. You are horrible. You should not have told her its dangerous and to move. |
Anonymous
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Know her finances. No on gets to "stay with you", beyond a short visit, without fully disclosing their finances to you. Then, the two of you create a plan. Based on reality.
"You can not stay with my family 5-6+ months." "You can stay with my family ___ amount of time." I am close to your Mother's age. Respecting your Mother doesn't mean you have to agree to anything she wants. |