Family Member Moving in as Caregiver - Exit Strategy?

[Anonymous]

If you can, make a DPOA and take control of all accounts as much as you can. Your mom can sponsor groceries and bills but not much more.
If you lose control now it will be hard to regain it

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all responses. Does the aunt have her own children to look out for her when it's time?

I would have a contract as someone mentioned. I would also pay her so she doesn't feel taken advantage of and treat her like anyone you hire in terms of benefits. It's good you don't allow her to control the money. Discuss with her the plan when she gets tired of this. Figure out your boundaries and discuss up front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt is moving into my mom's house to help care for her for an undefined period of time. She'll prepare meals, drive to appointments, provide companionship. No cleaning, lifting my mom, personal care, or skilled nursing care. What can be done at the start of this to help this be a positive experience for everyone? I'm thinking of conversations, decisions, check in points along the way. The worst case scenario is hurt feelings near the end of life.

My aunt has good intentions. She and my mom love each other. My mom would say part of the reason they have a good relationship is they have lived thousands of miles apart their entire adult lives. My aunt loves to spend money and will inevitably spend more of my mom's money than my mom would like. Right now my mom is ok with that in exchange for the companionship.

My mom is feeling lonely and vulnerable. My aunt is bored in a small isolated community. She owns her home (no mortgage) but has limited resources to live on and loves to spend money. She started talking about moving in with my mom to care for her when my mom shared what she would be spending on assisted living. (She had a spot and a move in date). There are clear benefits to both my mom and my aunt. I could see my aunt feeling unappreciated at some point. I could see my mom getting tired of financially supplementing my aunt and feeling taken advantage of. It seems this could end poorly for a lot of reasons. Any advice?

What do you think your mom's money on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt is moving into my mom's house to help care for her for an undefined period of time. She'll prepare meals, drive to appointments, provide companionship. No cleaning, lifting my mom, personal care, or skilled nursing care. What can be done at the start of this to help this be a positive experience for everyone? I'm thinking of conversations, decisions, check in points along the way. The worst case scenario is hurt feelings near the end of life.

My aunt has good intentions. She and my mom love each other. My mom would say part of the reason they have a good relationship is they have lived thousands of miles apart their entire adult lives. My aunt loves to spend money and will inevitably spend more of my mom's money than my mom would like. Right now my mom is ok with that in exchange for the companionship.

My mom is feeling lonely and vulnerable. My aunt is bored in a small isolated community. She owns her home (no mortgage) but has limited resources to live on and loves to spend money. She started talking about moving in with my mom to care for her when my mom shared what she would be spending on assisted living. (She had a spot and a move in date). There are clear benefits to both my mom and my aunt. I could see my aunt feeling unappreciated at some point. I could see my mom getting tired of financially supplementing my aunt and feeling taken advantage of. It seems this could end poorly for a lot of reasons. Any advice?

What do you think your mom's money on?

Sorry, that should say, what do you think your aunt will spend your mom's money on?

[Anonymous]

Don’t mean to pile on PP, but this would be fine as a temporary arrangement of maybe a few days or a week.

This is not sustainable or practical and I say this a recently orphaned adult - my parents died five years apart in the same continuing care community.

Both your aunt and parent are one fall away from needing round the clock care. Or one medical diagnosis away or both.

Can your aunt safely drive a car? Can your parent be left alone? Has the house been modified to be safer for an elderly person? How will bathing and ADL be handled? Are there stairs? Bed rails? Can your aunt operate a cell phone/follow basic directions? Who has oversight here? Are there meds to be managed? Doctor appointments to schedule and attend?

How will home maintenance be handled? Laundry? Errands? Meal prep?

I do t think you’re thru king this through.

[Anonymous]

How old are they each?

[Anonymous]

You should not give your aunt any access to your mom's money! You and your siblings handle the money, your aunt only deals with your mom. There are ways to put everything on auto pay, buy grocery gift cards or restaurant gift cards for food expenses,.or even Visa gift cards for incidentals.

Do Not Let Your Aunt have Access to Any of Your Mom's Money!

[Anonymous]

Nope nope nope - YOU and any siblings you have need to have financial power of attorney eh. Aunt should not have access to accounts. Change the passwords. You start paying bills and managing finances.

Aunt gets free from and board. Perhaps on top of that mom should pay her a fee for helping her, perhaps not. Hard to know without knowing more about mom.

But aunt should not have access to mom’s finances. No no no

[Anonymous]

If your aunt moves in to help care for your mom, she should be paid a salary.

But don't let her control your mom's money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aunt is not taking over the accounts. My sister will be able to log in and see all transactions.

How long my aunt will stay with my mom is very unclear, which makes it hard to rent out my aunt's house.

At some point my mom will need more care than my aunt can provide and my mom will move into assisted living. I could see my aunt wanting to stay in my mom's house to visit my mom, and the frequency and duration of those visits decreasing. Its just really unclear what the end point is and likely there will be hurt feelings and tough conversations.

It doesn't matter if your sister can log in and see transactions -- if the aunt has already spent it, what's logging in going to do?
Also if there's an end point where there will be hurt feelings and tough conversations ... why even start? Just do assisted living now.

[Anonymous]

My aunt did this to help my mom. They hate each other now and I’m trying to figure a way to get aunt out of the house when mom dies. Aunt thinks she should stay there until she does.

[Anonymous]

If your aunt lives their long term, the after your mom either needs to move to a home or passes, she could assert that she is entitled to stay in the home and or say that your mom “gave” it to her.

Best to contact an attorney before she moves in to understand any long term impacts to the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

You didn't really gain anything here. Your mother will still need cleaning help as well as any personal care now or in the future. Giving up the assisted living place took away access to that kind of help when it becomes needed. This is basically a giant vacation for your aunt. I'd absolutely want to take away all access to money, but I'm not sure how you can really do that.

I'd suggest that she come stay for a few weeks, return home, and repeat the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aunt is not taking over the accounts. My sister will be able to log in and see all transactions.

How long my aunt will stay with my mom is very unclear, which makes it hard to rent out my aunt's house.

At some point my mom will need more care than my aunt can provide and my mom will move into assisted living. I could see my aunt wanting to stay in my mom's house to visit my mom, and the frequency and duration of those visits decreasing. Its just really unclear what the end point is and likely there will be hurt feelings and tough conversations.

Here is an idea. Take care of her yourself. You should pay her.

[Anonymous]

Love all the posters thinking Aunt will take advantage of Mom but assisted living places do not. Most people would rather be at home. My neighbour has a live-in housekeeper who takes advantage of him. She even booked a vacation in the Caribbean for them that he paid for. They go shopping and he pays for stuff for her house. But it's a way better life than assisted living.