What now? Public or small private after being kicked out

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the food for thought. We are doing a number of things to address the situation with him and have been for several years. We thought he was in a good place to be able to handle himself at the school he's at now, but he clearly has struggled there. Without getting into specifics, I'll say that I agree it's impulsively, lack of social understanding, and anxiety about impressing peers. We had pretty high hopes for a new ADHD meds this year, and it's been fine but hasn't resolved anything on the social front.

I hear what your saying about adult-to-child ratio and that small privates can have nice but untrained teachers. I don't expect it would be a class without kids who have behavior issues, but based on the ones we've seen, I actually think they may have kids with challenges and are trying to support them. I'm not saying they are necessarily trained in this... But as I noted earlier, we have seen that the right personality and a hands-on approach while also giving freedom works pretty well. I'm not sure I see that being likely in a public. He will find any loophole and litigate it - "but there was a kid watching YouTube in class yesterday, why did I get in trouble for it today?" "Another kid eats candy during snacktime, so why didn't the teacher let me have my whole bag of Halloween candy?" Etc. we found that in public, there were just more kids getting away with little things because of the class sizes and school sizes, and then he felt he should be able to also (and could get angry and indignant when he couldn't because it felt unfair). He's older now, and we've worked on a lot of that response issue, but I see that as a recipe for a problem in public. That's my hesitation. But I agree with the critiques of private you have shared, too.

Anyone tried online schooling? Half kidding because I don't really want this for a range of reasons, but it might be an interim solution. Our district does offer it .

[Anonymous]

Public, but you need to call them and set up IEP meetings and get supports in place asap. See if you can negotiate to remain at his current school until the end of the semester or whatever a good transition point would be.

Public schools wont kick him out. It will give you space and time to treat his issues on your own in an environment where you dont have to worry about him being asked to leave.

[Anonymous]

I went to a small private, and no, if you don't fit in somehow, you will not "be like siblings." He is already going to be coming into a small environment where social groups are preformed.

Please send him to have a large public where he will be able to find friends, and keep an eye on him. Use that extra money to supplement if he needs it.

[Anonymous]

DH went to a small private and DS is at a small private and everyone is at a small private for a reason. Some of the kids are really artsy and needed a staff that understood that part of their brain. Others were traditionally SN quirky. It wasn't perfect but it was much better than at a big anonymous private. We tried the public. It was bad, really bad.

DS joined in MS. DH joined in late elementary. It's hard to tell how DS's friendships will turn out but DH is still friends with everyone in his graduating class and even some kids that left for public. The social dynamics seemed really nice. They hard parties many weekends with all invited and even sometimes had sleepovers. No one dated in the class. That was interesting. It was almost like they were too much like family.

[Anonymous]

It might depend on your kid's personality? DS is doing well at a small private and is on the more outgoing side. Kids do get annoyed when he gets distracted on group work but it has not prevented them from being friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the food for thought. We are doing a number of things to address the situation with him and have been for several years. We thought he was in a good place to be able to handle himself at the school he's at now, but he clearly has struggled there. Without getting into specifics, I'll say that I agree it's impulsively, lack of social understanding, and anxiety about impressing peers. We had pretty high hopes for a new ADHD meds this year, and it's been fine but hasn't resolved anything on the social front.

I hear what your saying about adult-to-child ratio and that small privates can have nice but untrained teachers. I don't expect it would be a class without kids who have behavior issues, but based on the ones we've seen, I actually think they may have kids with challenges and are trying to support them. I'm not saying they are necessarily trained in this... But as I noted earlier, we have seen that the right personality and a hands-on approach while also giving freedom works pretty well. I'm not sure I see that being likely in a public. He will find any loophole and litigate it - "but there was a kid watching YouTube in class yesterday, why did I get in trouble for it today?" "Another kid eats candy during snacktime, so why didn't the teacher let me have my whole bag of Halloween candy?" Etc. we found that in public, there were just more kids getting away with little things because of the class sizes and school sizes, and then he felt he should be able to also (and could get angry and indignant when he couldn't because it felt unfair). He's older now, and we've worked on a lot of that response issue, but I see that as a recipe for a problem in public. That's my hesitation. But I agree with the critiques of private you have shared, too.

Anyone tried online schooling? Half kidding because I don't really want this for a range of reasons, but it might be an interim solution. Our district does offer it .

You described our DS's problem in public exactly.

[Anonymous]

We did online school for a few years with Covid and it was done by our school system and it was really good. It’s hard to find good programs but it might be worth it for the year. Otherwise I’d try public. They small schools are socially bad and will not have the staff and resources.

[Anonymous]

My kid went to one of those tiny privates. There were valuable things about it — it was too small for cliques, and most kids were quirky in one way or another, which took some pressure off socially. (I don’t know if it’s that the families of quirky kids sought out this kind of education and experience, or if it was just the kind of environment where kids didnt have to hide their quirky parts. Some of both, probably. At any rate, there might have been a little less social pressure.)

But it’s true that you are really dependent on whatever one teacher happens to be in the room — and there will be only one. They won’t have supports, and the teachers might be well intentioned (might!) but they very well might not have the training to actually support your kid. What then? That’s a really important question to ask. What happens when your kid taxes their processes and expertise? The answer is, they might give up on your kid very quickly. There will be nothing to keep them from doing so.

So choose carefully. Do your homework. Talk to not only families who are there — in our experience those families were a little cultish, honestly — but also those who left.

Would I do it again? It’s a little hard to be objective. Maybe not. I’d certainly go in with eyes more open.

[Anonymous]

You said your kid doesn't need academic support, just social. IME, a big public high school with. AP or IB classes will occupy him intellectually enough that he may not "misbehave" as much, both because he's engaged and also because students in the advanced track aren't creating as much distraction. Also, he has more of a chance to make friends with peers. Bigger school pool = bigger chance to find your matches.

Look at the work of Michelle Garcia Winner - Social Thinking curriculum. Get him tested for social pragmatic thinking and see if you can find a therapist or SLP who can work with him on cracking the social code.

[Anonymous]

Send him to public. THey are obligated to support him more than private. The privates are not equipped to deal with his profile, as you suggest. Why would you keep him somewhere that is failing your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid went to one of those tiny privates. There were valuable things about it — it was too small for cliques, and most kids were quirky in one way or another, which took some pressure off socially. (I don’t know if it’s that the families of quirky kids sought out this kind of education and experience, or if it was just the kind of environment where kids didnt have to hide their quirky parts. Some of both, probably. At any rate, there might have been a little less social pressure.)

But it’s true that you are really dependent on whatever one teacher happens to be in the room — and there will be only one. They won’t have supports, and the teachers might be well intentioned (might!) but they very well might not have the training to actually support your kid. What then? That’s a really important question to ask. What happens when your kid taxes their processes and expertise? The answer is, they might give up on your kid very quickly. There will be nothing to keep them from doing so.

So choose carefully. Do your homework. Talk to not only families who are there — in our experience those families were a little cultish, honestly — but also those who left.

Would I do it again? It’s a little hard to be objective. Maybe not. I’d certainly go in with eyes more open.

All of this. Private carries a lot of risks.

[Anonymous]

Public with an IEP