Everyone who loves their old parent is so lucky

[Anonymous]

For those wishing you were visiting one of the nicer residents - do. I mean, you're there. Mom isn't always looking. Have some favorite residents you talk with. Feel good about the time you spend there. A connection to what's good about the place will probably help you to manage the bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster above, here's the thing: There's this commercial that's popular in my area of the country for some kind of nursing assistance program in your home, and it concludes with this line "She has done so much for me. Now it's my turn to give back" and it makes me so mad!!!
A lot of us are now in the position where are being asked to mother and nurture someone who never mothered and nurtured us, someone who perhaps shouted at us and shamed us when we spilled something as children, when we tore a shirt while playing too roughly on the playground, when we came home from school with paint on our clothing from art class, when we lost a library book, etc. We are now being asked to exhibit patience and love, to be forgiving and kind to people who were not forgiving and kind to us. To literally feed an old lady who neglected to feed us as children, to make sure that she has warm clothes in the winter and cool clothes in the summer when she didn't do that for us. Even if you THINK you are over all the trauma, even if you think you have worked through it all with the aid of a professional, etc. this particular stage o life brings it home in a new and painful way. As my abusive father was dying, he literally asked us "Am I a good person?" He was afraid he was going to go to hell and wanted us to assure him that he was an awesome dude, even though he wasn't. Unless you have experienced this, you don't get to judge.

Don't feed the troll. This person just goes around and criticizes everyone on every thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes this is one of those things I think but you can't really express because people who have loving parents with whom they have good relationships just can't really understand. And it's hard if not impossible to explain to someone in the midst of grief (even if their parent died some time ago) that their grief is a gift in a way because it represents how deeply they loved and were loved. No one wants to hear that but it's true.

Those of us who don't have that kind of loving parent have been living with grief pretty much our whole lives. I think I started grieving the lack of love and affection from my parents when I was still a child. And as with any grief you can find ways to carry it easier but it never really goes away. But people who ha loving parents will never understand this and they will always just assume that if you have a living parent you are more fortunate than someone who has lost their parent. They don't understand what it is to live without parental love as a child and adolscent and how deeply painful that is -- they only know what it is to lose the love of a parent who has loved them and treated them well all their lives.

They know loss but not true absence and they never will.

There are lefty of us who recognize that there are millions of children then adults who were loved and cared for as they should have been. You have my empathy and prayers, you deserved better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes this is one of those things I think but you can't really express because people who have loving parents with whom they have good relationships just can't really understand. And it's hard if not impossible to explain to someone in the midst of grief (even if their parent died some time ago) that their grief is a gift in a way because it represents how deeply they loved and were loved. No one wants to hear that but it's true.

Those of us who don't have that kind of loving parent have been living with grief pretty much our whole lives. I think I started grieving the lack of love and affection from my parents when I was still a child. And as with any grief you can find ways to carry it easier but it never really goes away. But people who ha loving parents will never understand this and they will always just assume that if you have a living parent you are more fortunate than someone who has lost their parent. They don't understand what it is to live without parental love as a child and adolscent and how deeply painful that is -- they only know what it is to lose the love of a parent who has loved them and treated them well all their lives.

They know loss but not true absence and they never will.

There are lefty of us who recognize that there are millions of children then adults who were loved and cared for as they should have been. You have my empathy and prayers, you deserved better.

*Plenty of us who know
*NOT* loved
I hate autocorrect !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster above, here's the thing: There's this commercial that's popular in my area of the country for some kind of nursing assistance program in your home, and it concludes with this line "She has done so much for me. Now it's my turn to give back" and it makes me so mad!!!
A lot of us are now in the position where are being asked to mother and nurture someone who never mothered and nurtured us, someone who perhaps shouted at us and shamed us when we spilled something as children, when we tore a shirt while playing too roughly on the playground, when we came home from school with paint on our clothing from art class, when we lost a library book, etc. We are now being asked to exhibit patience and love, to be forgiving and kind to people who were not forgiving and kind to us. To literally feed an old lady who neglected to feed us as children, to make sure that she has warm clothes in the winter and cool clothes in the summer when she didn't do that for us. Even if you THINK you are over all the trauma, even if you think you have worked through it all with the aid of a professional, etc. this particular stage o life brings it home in a new and painful way. As my abusive father was dying, he literally asked us "Am I a good person?" He was afraid he was going to go to hell and wanted us to assure him that he was an awesome dude, even though he wasn't. Unless you have experienced this, you don't get to judge.

As another formerly abused and neglected child, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for these words.

[Anonymous]

Here here. It's such a blessing to have parents that you will grieve when they are gone. I strive to be one.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.
My relationship with my mom was strained. Then she developed dementia and I too did much out of obligation and duty.

you are not alone, I too in my most private moments wished my mom would pass. Dementia is a terrible disease for everyone involved, but carries a particular cruelty when it's with a mother who was difficult.

Dementia may seem like it will take forever, and often goes on way too long, but if its any consolation, there will be a huge relief and weight off your shoulders once she does pass. It is still sad in some ways, but I do not miss any of it. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster above, here's the thing: There's this commercial that's popular in my area of the country for some kind of nursing assistance program in your home, and it concludes with this line "She has done so much for me. Now it's my turn to give back" and it makes me so mad!!!
A lot of us are now in the position where are being asked to mother and nurture someone who never mothered and nurtured us, someone who perhaps shouted at us and shamed us when we spilled something as children, when we tore a shirt while playing too roughly on the playground, when we came home from school with paint on our clothing from art class, when we lost a library book, etc. We are now being asked to exhibit patience and love, to be forgiving and kind to people who were not forgiving and kind to us. To literally feed an old lady who neglected to feed us as children, to make sure that she has warm clothes in the winter and cool clothes in the summer when she didn't do that for us. Even if you THINK you are over all the trauma, even if you think you have worked through it all with the aid of a professional, etc. this particular stage o life brings it home in a new and painful way. As my abusive father was dying, he literally asked us "Am I a good person?" He was afraid he was going to go to hell and wanted us to assure him that he was an awesome dude, even though he wasn't. Unless you have experienced this, you don't get to judge.

Op here- wow. What an impactful post. What did you do and say when your dad asked you that?!? That is a very stark image. I would be tempted to lie but I am soft hearted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.
My relationship with my mom was strained. Then she developed dementia and I too did much out of obligation and duty.

you are not alone, I too in my most private moments wished my mom would pass. Dementia is a terrible disease for everyone involved, but carries a particular cruelty when it's with a mother who was difficult.

Dementia may seem like it will take forever, and often goes on way too long, but if its any consolation, there will be a huge relief and weight off your shoulders once she does pass. It is still sad in some ways, but I do not miss any of it. Hang in there.

So many of us are dealing with mothers with dementia who were absolutely unkind to us as kids. We have been working hard to break the cycle and be more loving with our own kids and spouse. I am even more resentful because dealing with my mother is causing me to be stressed and cranky at times and that affects how I deal with my own kids. I want to be there for my teens and be fully present and loving. So I feel like my mother is still screwing me over and taking time away from me that I should be spending with my own kids. She just never ceases to be selfish.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had your experience, with both my parents, who became people I didn't recognize or love in old age. I grew up in a happy family and struggle to remember that I did love my parents and that they were good people. The elder years were horrific and nearly split up me and my siblings. It's now four years in the past. I have to force myself to remember the good and not the bad. My siblings and I are bonded once again but we were at each others' throats for several years. As I've gotten older I have realized that all love is conditional.

[Anonymous]

My own parents were abusive and utterly heartless. So I get your post. On the other hand, I hope I don't become the burden to my child like your Mom is to you. That is my fear. I don't have anyone else but her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 77 and in an assisted living due to vascular dementia. I’m POA and her only child. When I read the posts about people loving and mourning their 94 year old parents, I can’t believe how lucky you all have been at life.

My mom has always been selfish, difficult, and mean. She’s always put herself first and never cared much about me or my feelings. She is entirely the same person with dementia. I do a lot of work for her and take good care of her. Even with her limited mental capabilities, she is still able to text me snarky things like “don’t you care about me?” And “you never called me today I’m going to bed”.

Our whole relationship is duty. I love her out of obligation. In my most private prayers, I pray she dies soon and quickly so that her miserable (no health issues, just a miserable person) life is over and I can move on in my own life without this caretaking.

I hope that gives some comfort to those who know the true love of an aging parent.

She’ll die faster if you ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 77 and in an assisted living due to vascular dementia. I’m POA and her only child. When I read the posts about people loving and mourning their 94 year old parents, I can’t believe how lucky you all have been at life.

My mom has always been selfish, difficult, and mean. She’s always put herself first and never cared much about me or my feelings. She is entirely the same person with dementia. I do a lot of work for her and take good care of her. Even with her limited mental capabilities, she is still able to text me snarky things like “don’t you care about me?” And “you never called me today I’m going to bed”.

Our whole relationship is duty. I love her out of obligation. In my most private prayers, I pray she dies soon and quickly so that her miserable (no health issues, just a miserable person) life is over and I can move on in my own life without this caretaking.

I hope that gives some comfort to those who know the true love of an aging parent.

She’ll die faster if you ignore her.

+1. Block her texts. Only take necessary messages from the facility. Just do the bare minimum required.