If you were on the fence about having kids

[Anonymous]

I settled on being an engaged aunt. But, my story/feelings are different than yours. I really liked kids but I did not have the longing at all. Close to the opposite. I've had honest conversations with my friends who did not like kids before and love theirs beyond measure now. Be very deliberate with your decisions and consider therapy if it would be helpful for you to have peace with wherever you land. It sounds from your post that you are closer to my friends who did not like kids but love their own than to me. Also know, though, that no matter what, you will be OK with whatever happens. I'm 50 and do not regret my decision at all, but i know that I need to save and plan as best as I can for a future without kids and grandkids. I am not suggesting that you kids should take care of you, but when many of my friends were in the baby phase, they had less time. Those same friends have lots of time now. But when the grandkids are around, maybe they will move to be closer? Maybe they won't. If you have any questions I am happy to answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate most kids but love my own. Remember that you can parent them how you want. If others are annoying, it’s because they were not parented how you would do it. Personalities do matter but most of it is just parenting (no matter what anyone says).

I’m going to say…..this is not true at all. We have a kid with lots of developmental delays and it is crazy challenging. Very likely he is mild ASD, will be doing full evaluation later this year as he is now more verbal.

One kid with even mild special needs and it entirely changes your parenting experience relative to your peers. We see our friends with neuro typical kids and we’re like “Ooooooh, that seems sooooo much easier. No emotional breakdowns? I could get used to this.”

Nature isn’t fair. You don’t know what you don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate most kids but love my own. Remember that you can parent them how you want. If others are annoying, it’s because they were not parented how you would do it. Personalities do matter but most of it is just parenting (no matter what anyone says).

I’m going to say…..this is not true at all. We have a kid with lots of developmental delays and it is crazy challenging. Very likely he is mild ASD, will be doing full evaluation later this year as he is now more verbal.

One kid with even mild special needs and it entirely changes your parenting experience relative to your peers. We see our friends with neuro typical kids and we’re like “Ooooooh, that seems sooooo much easier. No emotional breakdowns? I could get used to this.”

Nature isn’t fair. You don’t know what you don’t know.

Thank you for this. We have a similar family dynamic with neurodivergence. the methods others use don’t always magically fit. Every day can feel like the trenches. I’m thankful for my child 1-2-3 magic would be a freaking miracle here though. It’s not always the way.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t want kids but had them because my DH threatened divorce. At the time, the idea of divorce was more scary than the idea of having a baby.

If you choose to have a baby, make sure you pick the right partner. I did not, and was miserable for many years. DH wanted the fun, cute stuff and none of the hard stuff.

You should also understand how a baby will impact your daily life. You can’t just pick up and go whenever or wherever you want anymore. Sounds like it isn’t that big of a deal until you really want to get out of the house for XYZ reason and…you can’t. In some ways I very literally felt trapped.

I never knew what sleepless nights felt like until I had a baby. Yeah, I knew what it was like to stay up late and go to work the next morning on a couple hours of sleep, but that’s not the same. The sleepless nights with a baby are relentless. It’s night after night. It takes a major toll on your body and your mental health, and you need an actively engaged and supportive partner to stay afloat.

I also lost my sense of independence/freedom. With a baby you can’t just walk out the door to go to yoga or to grab a drink with a friend at your favorite bar or go for a run.

I knew sleep would be hard. I knew I’d spend my day caring for a baby. But I didn’t really know what all of that meant and how I would feel when I was in the thick of it. DH made everything ten times harder than it had to be because of his selfishness. I wish we had gone to counseling before the baby. Or that I had married someone more supportive.

All of that to say, my kids are tweens now and they’re a joy. I thought every day during the early years that I made made a mistake by becoming a mother, but now I can’t imagine my life without them. They’re amazing little humans and Im so glad they’re mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of my young life I figured I would have kids because that’s what people do. Now I’m nearing that time and seriously contemplating becoming a parent. It makes me sound awful but I dislike kids. I find them annoying 90% of the time - even family members I love. On the flip side, I’ve noticed myself becoming jealous of my friends having kids and longing for it. It’s such a huge commitment and I would rather regret not having than regret having, but I worry about regret not having when it’s too late. Anyone else feel this way and love being a parent?

This was my situation. I ended up with twins and it is awful. It was a huge mistake to have kids. If you're not completely sure, don't don't do it.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people that claim to like their kids are just saying that because it would be too painful to admit they ruined the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

I love kids. Am a teacher, in fact. Always thought I wanted at least 4 of my own. We have 2 that are now teenagers and parenting them is the hardest thing we’ve ever done (and they’re good kids). I know I’ll get flamed for saying this, but sometimes I wish we were childless because I feel like my life would be so much less stressful. I was a great mom to them when they were young, but I struggle now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people that claim to like their kids are just saying that because it would be too painful to admit they ruined the rest of their lives.

This is waaaaay more prevalent than people will admit. Big time coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

If you find other people’s kids difficult to be around, I would not recommend having children. You probably don’t actually want children. You like the idea and perceived status of being a parent. That’s a terrible reason to have a child. Very selfish. And selfish people are the worst parents.

[Anonymous]

I was ambivalent towards kids. I found all kids annoying and never really sought out relationships with my nephews or other children in my life. I still find most all children annoying including my own - but for my own I have a much more in depth view of them and their annoying behavior. I’m also very motivated to engage with them and help them grow and learn.

All in all I’d definitely say I’m glad I had kids. I’m all in on them (in a healthy way) even though I definitely have days I fantasize about life without them. By the time I had them, I’d traveled the world, had tons of fancy dinners, had tons of relaxing weekends, etc…I definitely miss that phase of life but I don’t think another 40 years of that would have been as exciting as it was.

I don’t believe you have to be 100% certain you want them, I do believe you have to be 100% certain you will make the best life of it and do right by them if you have them. It’s possible to both love your kids deeply and be glad you had them and imagine other paths for your life that would have their own merits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was ambivalent towards kids. I found all kids annoying and never really sought out relationships with my nephews or other children in my life. I still find most all children annoying including my own - but for my own I have a much more in depth view of them and their annoying behavior. I’m also very motivated to engage with them and help them grow and learn.

All in all I’d definitely say I’m glad I had kids. I’m all in on them (in a healthy way) even though I definitely have days I fantasize about life without them. By the time I had them, I’d traveled the world, had tons of fancy dinners, had tons of relaxing weekends, etc…I definitely miss that phase of life but I don’t think another 40 years of that would have been as exciting as it was.

I don’t believe you have to be 100% certain you want them, I do believe you have to be 100% certain you will make the best life of it and do right by them if you have them. It’s possible to both love your kids deeply and be glad you had them and imagine other paths for your life that would have their own merits

18 years is a long time for resentment to build up. You can only fool yourself for so long before you're forced to acknowledge the horrible mistake you made.

[Anonymous]

It’s like any hard / life altering work (take olympic athlete for example). It alters your life, the path involves more hard days than highlights, the highs are high but most of the time isn’t that, you give up a lot, for many it was still all worth it for the highs / the accomplishment / the purpose. For some it wasn’t worth the work and sacrifice

The research on it is pretty clear - the average people is unhappier than a childfree person, but the happiness peaks are much higher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ambivalent towards kids. I found all kids annoying and never really sought out relationships with my nephews or other children in my life. I still find most all children annoying including my own - but for my own I have a much more in depth view of them and their annoying behavior. I’m also very motivated to engage with them and help them grow and learn.

All in all I’d definitely say I’m glad I had kids. I’m all in on them (in a healthy way) even though I definitely have days I fantasize about life without them. By the time I had them, I’d traveled the world, had tons of fancy dinners, had tons of relaxing weekends, etc…I definitely miss that phase of life but I don’t think another 40 years of that would have been as exciting as it was.

I don’t believe you have to be 100% certain you want them, I do believe you have to be 100% certain you will make the best life of it and do right by them if you have them. It’s possible to both love your kids deeply and be glad you had them and imagine other paths for your life that would have their own merits

18 years is a long time for resentment to build up. You can only fool yourself for so long before you're forced to acknowledge the horrible mistake you made.

What a bizarre thing to say - I have no resentment at all and take a ton of joy in them. I can just also imagine other lives. Just like I imagine the life where Id pursued zoology instead of a business degree…doesn’t mean I regret the career I have, but I can also imagine what might have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel I lack the patience.

I adore my infant nephew but I was beyond bored when I babysat him. It was monotonous after like 10 minutes of play time. I have an amazing 6 year old niece but she’s sarcastic, stubborn, and whiney at times. I really can’t take it.

I was with my sister and her kids today at Old Navy and this kid kept slamming the doors to the changing stall over and over. I almost wanted to yell to get that kid to stop. Another was incredibly whiney and I just couldn’t listen to it. I find kids who whine past 2 incredibly irritating and annoying.

If you find that intolerable, you will not like having a teenager. 0-14 are the best years, and then very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of my young life I figured I would have kids because that’s what people do. Now I’m nearing that time and seriously contemplating becoming a parent. It makes me sound awful but I dislike kids. I find them annoying 90% of the time - even family members I love. On the flip side, I’ve noticed myself becoming jealous of my friends having kids and longing for it. It’s such a huge commitment and I would rather regret not having than regret having, but I worry about regret not having when it’s too late. Anyone else feel this way and love being a parent?

There's your answer op. Don't have kids.

You're thinking you should because it's the next grown up thing to check off the list.

Kids can be awful absolutely awful and draining and sometimes they're no.little cutesy moments to make up for it. Some kids no matter how hard you try are annoying ahiles straight from birth on others have incredible needs.

And even if they are typical kids there's no guarantee that you'll like them and like parenting just because they are yours