"Women judge other women when they are feeling either jealous or smug."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

PP. There are lots of pretty sparkles that cost less than $10-20K. Which is the price point of the real rings in that category. I figured somebody would call me out for my comments but I'm pretty sure this size of ring, like driving a luxury car, is intended to be noticed/assessed by others. The people I know like this, the bride tells the groom what to buy. These are not spontaneously presented rings.

My ring was about 11k. The diamond isn't huge at all, but it isn't small either -- it has a 1.5 carat center stone. It isn't "intended to be noticed/assessed by others" at all. I like rocks, I always have, my grandfather was a geologist and my first science fair project in early elementary school was about geodes. Diamonds are beautiful to look at, as are rubies, sapphires, amethysts, opals, whatever. Your post? Well -- there is that judgment with smugness OP is asking about...

[Anonymous]

Everybody judges, It’s in our bodies and it was necessary for survival. We look at things every day and have to make a judgment about whether it’s safe, unsafe, healthy…

What we do with those thoughts is a different story. We’ve evolved …. even though we judge every situation and make decisions about those judgments When we don’t use logical reasoning to understand how our judgment might be clouded, and then we are acting less involved or intelligent.

Some people judge because they’re jealous, some people judge, cause they’re unintelligent, some people judge because they’re less evolved.

Reality is most of us judge and make determination about peace based on those judgments and 80% of the time I’m right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Backstory: visiting my mom this week with my kids (DH is working). My aunt is also in town. One of my kids was playing with my wedding/engagement ring. My engagement ring is extremely simple with a tiny stone, wedding ring is just a band. They are very pretty (have this filigreed design I love) but they were also inexpensive. We had absolutely no money when we got married, and I wasn't a big jewelry person anyway.

My aunt asked in a polite way if I ever thought about getting a larger diamond now that we can more easily afford it, especially with lab diamonds now available. I hadn't really thought about it -- my rings are sentimental to me and I think I'm so used to having a small stone that it might feel weird to have a bigger one. My aunt said, "Do you feel like other women judge you for having a smaller stone? That was a thing when I was younger."

And before I could answer, my mom said, "Oh who cares? Women only judge other women when they're feeling jealous or smug, why cater to that."

So I've been thinking about that ever since. Do you think that's true, that women only judge each other when they are feeling jealous or smug? I feel like I could come up with exceptions if I tried but I also think the underlying sentiment is true in a useful way. It also, of course, made me think of DCUM.

So, DCUM, what do you think? Would especially be interested in hearing people assess if it's true when they, themselves, judge other women. I do think it's often true for me, I'm ashamed to admit.

Of course not. Your mom was trying to be kind to you.

Women, and people in general, will be judgy about absolutely anything. Some people like to believe it’s jealousy, and sometimes that may be true, but usually people are just saying “I would never do that, it’s beneath me”.

I think there’s also judgment that stems from insecurity, but again not in most cases. You have the people here on DCUM saying “this is why I kept my name/took his name, stayed home/kept working, had an engagement ring or didn’t” and people get really defensive about those different choices. Where if you were talking to this person at school pick-up they could be one of your best friends, despite the different choices.

[Anonymous]

My 2.5 carat ring was handed down through my spouses family. It was his grandmothers from the 1920’s. I just like it because it’s pretty and I don’t judge others for what they are wearing. Maybe if you’re walking down the street in a snowsuit in July - then I might judge. Otherwise I think people can do what they want.

[Anonymous]

I think your mom was sticking up for you and putting your aunt in her place.

I don't think she was trying to communicate a universal truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

I know unmarried women in certain industries who buy those rings before they travel to conferences etc. in order to avoid being bothered.

An engagement or wedding ring is NOT a deterrent on business travel. They actually attract more men because they are looking for casual sex with others already in a relationship.

Yeah. Travel for work and sit at the bar in a hotel restaurant trying to eat a quiet dinner and gross men desperate for casual fun will come out of the woodwork -- wedding ring or not.

Go into the restaurant and eat there. People are not likely to visit you from another table to talk. But a bar is where a lot of lonely people strike up conversations, it's not a place for a "quiet dinner".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom was sticking up for you and putting your aunt in her place.

I don't think she was trying to communicate a universal truth.

Was her mom implying aunt was jealous or smug? It doesn't make sense that she was either so mom was just talking a bunch of nonsense. Aunt isn't jealous of OPs ring and she wasn't smug b/c she knows OP can afford better, if she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom was sticking up for you and putting your aunt in her place.

I don't think she was trying to communicate a universal truth.

Was her mom implying aunt was jealous or smug? It doesn't make sense that she was either so mom was just talking a bunch of nonsense. Aunt isn't jealous of OPs ring and she wasn't smug b/c she knows OP can afford better, if she wanted.

Mom was saying don't worry about what other people think. They are dumb and petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom was sticking up for you and putting your aunt in her place.

I don't think she was trying to communicate a universal truth.

Was her mom implying aunt was jealous or smug? It doesn't make sense that she was either so mom was just talking a bunch of nonsense. Aunt isn't jealous of OPs ring and she wasn't smug b/c she knows OP can afford better, if she wanted.

Mom was saying don't worry about what other people think. They are dumb and petty.

Aunt asked a question. Mom interrupted and told daughter what to think before letting her reply on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom was sticking up for you and putting your aunt in her place.

I don't think she was trying to communicate a universal truth.

Was her mom implying aunt was jealous or smug? It doesn't make sense that she was either so mom was just talking a bunch of nonsense. Aunt isn't jealous of OPs ring and she wasn't smug b/c she knows OP can afford better, if she wanted.

Mom was saying don't worry about what other people think. They are dumb and petty.

Aunt asked a question. Mom interrupted and told daughter what to think before letting her reply on her own.

And?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom was sticking up for you and putting your aunt in her place.

I don't think she was trying to communicate a universal truth.

Was her mom implying aunt was jealous or smug? It doesn't make sense that she was either so mom was just talking a bunch of nonsense. Aunt isn't jealous of OPs ring and she wasn't smug b/c she knows OP can afford better, if she wanted.

Ok you're opinion on the matter is the only one that is valid here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom was sticking up for you and putting your aunt in her place.

I don't think she was trying to communicate a universal truth.

Was her mom implying aunt was jealous or smug? It doesn't make sense that she was either so mom was just talking a bunch of nonsense. Aunt isn't jealous of OPs ring and she wasn't smug b/c she knows OP can afford better, if she wanted.

I think aunt is likely making comments about ops ring perhaps behind her back and regularly has opinions on engagement rings and mom was shutting her sister down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom was sticking up for you and putting your aunt in her place.

I don't think she was trying to communicate a universal truth.

Was her mom implying aunt was jealous or smug? It doesn't make sense that she was either so mom was just talking a bunch of nonsense. Aunt isn't jealous of OPs ring and she wasn't smug b/c she knows OP can afford better, if she wanted.

I think aunt is likely making comments about ops ring perhaps behind her back and regularly has opinions on engagement rings and mom was shutting her sister down

+1 I think mom was shutting down a conversation that could have felt uncomfortable for OP and that could have implied her ring was not “good enough”.

While I don’t think all judgement stems from jealousy/smugness I do see what mom was getting at when it comes to superficial stuff like this. Someone criticizing an ering is probably jealous or smug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

I know unmarried women in certain industries who buy those rings before they travel to conferences etc. in order to avoid being bothered.

An engagement or wedding ring is NOT a deterrent on business travel. They actually attract more men because they are looking for casual sex with others already in a relationship.

Yeah. Travel for work and sit at the bar in a hotel restaurant trying to eat a quiet dinner and gross men desperate for casual fun will come out of the woodwork -- wedding ring or not.

Go into the restaurant and eat there. People are not likely to visit you from another table to talk. But a bar is where a lot of lonely people strike up conversations, it's not a place for a "quiet dinner".

Sure it is. It’s for whatever PP wants it to be. She’s under no obligation to entertain anyone else. When men talk to me at the bar, I respond kindly but briefly. They get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is wise. I think it's the case for me except other instances like some upthread mentioned. I judge rude, catty and mean behavior but don't feel smug as much as disappointed and slightly understanding that it can stem from their upbringing.
I get jealous of women with unlimited energy or physical prowess (doing the splits, backflips) but only judge them positively.
It's the judgment of fashion where I think I'm smug while judging (like Queen Elizabeth looking down on wedges, tsk tsk)