Competitive academics - what to tell the smart, hard-working kid who isn't "the best"

[Anonymous]

Dealing with something similar, although DD 12 is the one getting the most accolades at her school. However, there is always someone somewhere breathing down her neck (in her mind), constantly feels that she is "falling" despite winning etc. Arguments that have worked for her:

1) You don't want to be the smartest/only really smart person. If everyone is less smart than you, they won't appreciate your smartness, you will feel lonely and won't have anyone to marry.

2) You need a lot of smart people around so that you have smart pilot driving your plan and smart doctors taking care of you and your children. You can't do everything by yourself. It's good that there are other kids out there learning and studying. There are a lot of great careers and fulfilling and prestigious jobs.

Yes, I also tell her do your own best, this is not under your control, there are many ways to success in life etc etc but this doesn't really help. Maybe later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with something similar, although DD 12 is the one getting the most accolades at her school. However, there is always someone somewhere breathing down her neck (in her mind), constantly feels that she is "falling" despite winning etc. Arguments that have worked for her:

1) You don't want to be the smartest/only really smart person. If everyone is less smart than you, they won't appreciate your smartness, you will feel lonely and won't have anyone to marry.

2) You need a lot of smart people around so that you have smart pilot driving your plan and smart doctors taking care of you and your children. You can't do everything by yourself. It's good that there are other kids out there learning and studying. There are a lot of great careers and fulfilling and prestigious jobs.

Yes, I also tell her do your own best, this is not under your control, there are many ways to success in life etc etc but this doesn't really help. Maybe later.

Thank you, these are great insights. And thanks to others for relating your own experiences, either in your youth or with your kids.

FWIW, I don't think I'm neurotic at all, but I get how it might come off that way out of context in a thread like this. I think in paragraphs, I can't help it.

[Anonymous]

There is literally nothing better for a child than being second or third academically. We tell our (very bright) child that if you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

As an aside, there are ways to diversify academic excellence that encourage very smart children. Try giving her something challenging that she is not naturally good at. Add a second or third language, an instrument or dance. One of our kids is very smart and we have never told him what his IQ is or how far beyond his grade level he scores. It literally does not matter. It matters that your child is doing hard, challenging work and enjoying learning. The other kids can be rockets scientists, who cares, be thankful that she gets to learn humility early.

[Anonymous]

I mean...there is always going to be someone smarter, or prettier, or faster, or able to jump higher, or with a photographic memory, or with perfect pitch, or that gets privilege because of who their parents are, etc. Work hard, develop good character and enjoy the ride. Yes, encourage his/her gifts and applaud the hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean...there is always going to be someone smarter, or prettier, or faster, or able to jump higher, or with a photographic memory, or with perfect pitch, or that gets privilege because of who their parents are, etc. Work hard, develop good character and enjoy the ride. Yes, encourage his/her gifts and applaud the hard work.

DP. True but it’s still nice for a kid to get a “win” once in a while. The competition everywhere nowadays is ridiculous and unhealthy, and it’s everywhere. I know people living in lcol areas in PA and OH that face the same thing. I’d probably emphasize to my kid that while these wins are nice, in the big scheme of things they mostly don’t matter and they’ll still have a nice life and future without them.

[Anonymous]

There's a reason they say the silver medalist is always the least happy.

The gold medalist is thrilled. The bronze medalist is just happy to make the podium. The silver medalist is unhappy they didn't get gold.

[Anonymous]

Get some perspective OP. Some of us have smart but learning disabled kids who are never even going to be sure our kids will go to college at all. Your daughter can cope with not being THE star. So can you. Literally do not give it another thought.

[Anonymous]

I understand where your kid is at. I have three older siblings with than intensity, and I was more like your daughter.

I feel like everyone finds their place and cohort in college. Right now, I would praise her effort and good grades. And be honest that these kids are working harder than she is. Talent only takes you so far. If she wants those awards, she has to do the work. It’s a lesson she has to learn at some point.

[Anonymous]

What's frustrating -- but a fact of life -- is seeing kids who work the same, or less, than you -- go on to "win" nonetheless. But that's not really what you're describing, right? These kids who "win" everything are studying hours more a night than your DD, doing academic programs all summer, blah blah. That's why they are "winning" the academic awards, and your DD doesn't want to do all that. Which is fine! What does she expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's frustrating -- but a fact of life -- is seeing kids who work the same, or less, than you -- go on to "win" nonetheless. But that's not really what you're describing, right? These kids who "win" everything are studying hours more a night than your DD, doing academic programs all summer, blah blah. That's why they are "winning" the academic awards, and your DD doesn't want to do all that. Which is fine! What does she expect?

OP doesn't really know this.

[Anonymous]

Enter troubadour

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get some perspective OP. Some of us have smart but learning disabled kids who are never even going to be sure our kids will go to college at all. Your daughter can cope with not being THE star. So can you. Literally do not give it another thought.

The whole point of this thread is helping a kid cope with not being the star. Like that's the whole premise -- help me help my kid see that where they are at right now is great and they don't need to worry about these other kids who are winning awards. At no point did anyone in this thread say anything to put down kids who don't go to college, or to make kids or parents of kids who struggle to do well academically feel bad.

You are the one who needs perspective here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get some perspective OP. Some of us have smart but learning disabled kids who are never even going to be sure our kids will go to college at all. Your daughter can cope with not being THE star. So can you. Literally do not give it another thought.

The whole point of this thread is helping a kid cope with not being the star. Like that's the whole premise -- help me help my kid see that where they are at right now is great and they don't need to worry about these other kids who are winning awards. At no point did anyone in this thread say anything to put down kids who don't go to college, or to make kids or parents of kids who struggle to do well academically feel bad.

You are the one who needs perspective here.

Relax jaaanice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's frustrating -- but a fact of life -- is seeing kids who work the same, or less, than you -- go on to "win" nonetheless. But that's not really what you're describing, right? These kids who "win" everything are studying hours more a night than your DD, doing academic programs all summer, blah blah. That's why they are "winning" the academic awards, and your DD doesn't want to do all that. Which is fine! What does she expect?

OP doesn't really know this.

At this point, it is knowable. Thirty years ago there were kids who could be academic superstars without extra effort and supplementing, but that time is over. Now the kids who pull good grades without working do fine, but they aren't top of the class unless you're in some rural or remote school district where academics aren't emphasized. If you want to graduate at the top of the class in a reasonably competitive school, you will have to put in a lot of extra time even if you're a quick learner and naturally good test taker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get some perspective OP. Some of us have smart but learning disabled kids who are never even going to be sure our kids will go to college at all. Your daughter can cope with not being THE star. So can you. Literally do not give it another thought.

The whole point of this thread is helping a kid cope with not being the star. Like that's the whole premise -- help me help my kid see that where they are at right now is great and they don't need to worry about these other kids who are winning awards. At no point did anyone in this thread say anything to put down kids who don't go to college, or to make kids or parents of kids who struggle to do well academically feel bad.

You are the one who needs perspective here.

Relax jaaanice

Who?