Stress and college in hindsight

[Anonymous]

Social influence works as well, you don't have to repeat as often because they are hearing same message from friends, their parents, teachers and extended family as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes,
I wish I did the free range kind of parenting and they were going to end up the same.
My nieces and nephews were free range kids and ended up about the same trajectory like my kids.

I see the same in my circle.

[Anonymous]

So many anecdotes about failure, but these can happen regardless of parental attitude and expectations. I know plenty of kids with minimal expectations who did great and vice versa. Love your kids, provide advice and guidance, but don't make their life stressful with your expectations. It's one thing to provide advice and guidance and quite another to send the message "it's only acceptable for you do achieve X"

[Anonymous]

A lot of the pressure comes from their peers.

They count how many APs, for example, their childhood friends are taking. Pick your community wisely because it is hard to go against the perceptions of those who surround them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes,
I wish I did the free range kind of parenting and they were going to end up the same.
My nieces and nephews were free range kids and ended up about the same trajectory like my kids.

I see the same in my circle.

Not so in my circle. The tiger parents who insisted on high SAT/GPA and Ivy schools have kids that are CRUSHING IT in tech/finance/med school/consulting. The "free range kids" went to colleges that weren't as highly ranked and are in jobs that don't pay as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me? None. I dropped out of college and have a very high HHI so I don’t push at all. They can make their own path.

Not PP, but I am curious too. My DD is finishing her freshman year and does not want to back. Had roommate issues; never found a core group; decided her selected major is not what she wants to do; is now undecided.

I don’t want to pressure her but not sure what the options are other than get a low wage job while she figures it out. Are there any counselors who can help with this situation?

This is like my DS. He had a terrible first semester; did not mesh with his roommate who was super introverted (but a nice kid based on the few times I met him) and was on academic probation but was taking 18 credits which was too much. He ended this semester with a lighter course load and a 3.4 so he is in good standing now with the university. He is not sure if he wants to go back in person, so he registered for Fall 2024 with all online or asynchronous classes. I guess that is better than totally dropping out, but I would rather he go back and give it another try. Has not figured out a major. Is feeling lost.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he needed a gap year. Was he young for the grade?

[Anonymous]

I put zero pressure on my kids (hs freshman and jr) but instead try to have mentoring conversations from time to time. I don't schedule these but have them organically as the topic comes up.

The reason for my no pressure is because I think they are more likely to succeed if they intrinsically pursue academic success. I was more hands on in their early years but as they went through middle school deliberately pulled back. They get good grades of their own volition.

I grew up with zero parental involvement. Did poorly in HS and ended up joining the military. Later I got interested in college and went to a great school on GI Bill and got my Ivy masters.

My older son is interested in electronics and is talking about going into apprenticeship for automation technology (think HVAC systems, industrial systems, production lines etc...) I was impressed because he had done the research and just with 2-3 yoe in this field you can make 80-90k. The more advanced certificates cost 20-30k, which tells me this is a great alternative to college. I'm okay with this.

Youngest seems to be interested in chemistry and going to college for it. I have friends who did chemistry undergrad and could only get lab monkey jobs but I didn't say anything to discourage my youngest. He plans to take AP chemistry and see if he likes it then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many anecdotes about failure, but these can happen regardless of parental attitude and expectations. I know plenty of kids with minimal expectations who did great and vice versa. Love your kids, provide advice and guidance, but don't make their life stressful with your expectations. It's one thing to provide advice and guidance and quite another to send the message "it's only acceptable for you do achieve X"

Even if they are failing classes? When I was growing up, everyone knew that getting a C or below meant you weren't doing well in a class and that was an issue and you better find something else you are good at if you didn't want to make a living by having academic skills. I think most parents expected their kids would work to get at least B's in their classes and would pressure them to do so. Was that an issue? I don't know. I guess it depends on the child, but it was a little easier to navigate expectations when everyone was on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did not put a lot of stress on them but we often spoke to them about the the importance of getting a good education if you want to succeed. My husband and I both had MBAs from top schools and very successful careers. Our two older kids were very self motivated and worked hard. Our youngest’s lightbulb went on in her junior year of HS when she realized how well her siblings had done and that she needed to kick it into gear which she did. All three have been very successful and happy.

Yuck

[Anonymous]

I played the opposite role.

My kid was initially convinced she had to do what others were doing (which was unhealthy and unnecessary). I tried to get her to strive for healthy balance, enough sleep, work and play, forging her own path (regardless of the constant chatter about more AP's, higher SAT, etc).

She chose very well and is now happily in grad school (fully funded, I might add).