My parents are bull$hitters and I'm tired of playing along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have bad parents. They are not bad people, and it's really not entirely their fault -- they had kids very young (and had no choice, given conservative Catholic backgrounds). They themselves had terrible parents and were regularly abused and neglected as children. My mother has no college degree and grew up poverty adjacent (her parents were divorced but she lived with her mother who was an alcoholic and did not work). My father grew up in poverty and is self-made -- he is incredibly smart, put himself through a very competitive engineering college program, worked his way up through corporate ranks from the bottom, started his own business, became very successful. I have both a lot of empathy and admiration for my parents and what they have been through.

BUT they were not good parents, they still aren't. I used to joke that I raised myself using the family encyclopedia but my therapist has taught me that I don't have to make this sound like a fun joke because it's actually true. I was largely left in the care of my older siblings, who resented the job and ignored me. I had several physical and mental health issues that were never treated or diagnosed because I didn't go to the doctor or dentist for 5 years at one point. My parents had money, it was not a financial issue (though they had a poverty mindset and would avoid spending money on even basic necessities if they could). Because my parents were married, employed, and financially solvent, what would have been obvious about my situation were we poor was invisible to teachers and other adults, and I learned that no one would help me and that if I asked for help, people would be annoyed with me or find me entitled. I put myself through college with loans and working (I did not qualify for any aid except work study and my parents would not help with with tuition). I even put myself through grad school. I moved far away, made a life for myself, got married, had a kid. I have a pretty good life all things considered. But I am still pretty messed up because of how I was raised, and even though I understand why it happened that way, I still sometime feel anger and resentment at my parents that they could not wake up to the problems with what they were doing.

I still have relationships with my parents, though not all my siblings do. I want my child to have grandparents and especially because some of my siblings are estranged and the others are not very reliable, may parents are really the best chance for my kid to have a connection to my side of the family. So even though I still sometimes feel angry with them, I keep that connection and go along to get along.

But the thing I have the hardest time with is that my parents engage in a lot of revisionist history regarding both my childhood and their own. The older they get, the rosier these "memories" get. I think they've blocked out the worst of it just to feel okay with themselves and I get that, but sometimes I listen to them talk about this idyllic life that no one in my family ever experienced, talking about vacations we never took, family meals and celebrations I'm pretty sure they got from books and movies. Our home was filled with rage, yelling, hitting, silent treatment, and crying when I was a kid. My parents both just walked out at various points in a rage, only to return a few days later acting like it had never happened. We were constantly reminded to never tell anyone about what happened in our house. When pediatricians or dentists raised issues with my mother about potential abuse, she would change practices and complain to anyone who asked about what a jerk the last one was.

Sometimes it's so hard to listen to them talk about this childhood I never had, listen to them pat themselves on the back for what a great family life they created, take credit for my successes, express bewilderment about my sister who doesn't speak to them or the brother who only appears for certain holidays without his wife or family.

They are old, it's too late for any of this to change. I'm just tired of listening to their BS, which they crafted to make themselves feel better. I do sometimes envy my siblings who've basically cut them out. I only speak to them every couple months and see them once or twice a year but when I do, it's so draining.

Any words of advice?

After many attempts of communicating honestly about my experience, I screamed at the top of my lungs to my father. A lifetime of anger miraculously melted away. Go find a rage room and have at it, your anger needs to be expressed.

[Anonymous]

I see you and understand you OP. I have similar but different experience with one parent but the other parent was an enabler. I had to cut ties for my own emotional and mental health. I grew up not being neglected but emotionally abused. It hurts and cuts deep. Lots of revisionist history and the abusive parent wanting me to bow and kiss the ring because of how great they were/are. I am stopping the generational dysfunction, my child deserves better. I know I am not a perfect parent but I am willing and able to give my kid everything they need emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, I started reading your post and had to check the date, because I thought maybe I wrote it. And the pretending everything was so great, THEY were so great! And WE had it so easy! They seem to have forgotten the time I was force fed until I vomited - and was forced to swallow that too. Or the incidents of violence.

Recently went no contact and it's been painful but also healing. I just can't take being hurt anymore.

[Anonymous]

I also could have written this. Mine was neglect with a side of emotional ambivalence. Add in a new husband in my early teens who promptly left after they produced a new baby. Looking back with rose colored glasses is my Mom's superpower. The whole thing was scary and awkward and I am so glad I live half a country away now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have bad parents. They are not bad people, and it's really not entirely their fault -- they had kids very young (and had no choice, given conservative Catholic backgrounds). They themselves had terrible parents and were regularly abused and neglected as children. My mother has no college degree and grew up poverty adjacent (her parents were divorced but she lived with her mother who was an alcoholic and did not work). My father grew up in poverty and is self-made -- he is incredibly smart, put himself through a very competitive engineering college program, worked his way up through corporate ranks from the bottom, started his own business, became very successful. I have both a lot of empathy and admiration for my parents and what they have been through.

BUT they were not good parents, they still aren't. I used to joke that I raised myself using the family encyclopedia but my therapist has taught me that I don't have to make this sound like a fun joke because it's actually true. I was largely left in the care of my older siblings, who resented the job and ignored me. I had several physical and mental health issues that were never treated or diagnosed because I didn't go to the doctor or dentist for 5 years at one point. My parents had money, it was not a financial issue (though they had a poverty mindset and would avoid spending money on even basic necessities if they could). Because my parents were married, employed, and financially solvent, what would have been obvious about my situation were we poor was invisible to teachers and other adults, and I learned that no one would help me and that if I asked for help, people would be annoyed with me or find me entitled. I put myself through college with loans and working (I did not qualify for any aid except work study and my parents would not help with with tuition). I even put myself through grad school. I moved far away, made a life for myself, got married, had a kid. I have a pretty good life all things considered. But I am still pretty messed up because of how I was raised, and even though I understand why it happened that way, I still sometime feel anger and resentment at my parents that they could not wake up to the problems with what they were doing.

I still have relationships with my parents, though not all my siblings do. I want my child to have grandparents and especially because some of my siblings are estranged and the others are not very reliable, may parents are really the best chance for my kid to have a connection to my side of the family. So even though I still sometimes feel angry with them, I keep that connection and go along to get along.

But the thing I have the hardest time with is that my parents engage in a lot of revisionist history regarding both my childhood and their own. The older they get, the rosier these "memories" get. I think they've blocked out the worst of it just to feel okay with themselves and I get that, but sometimes I listen to them talk about this idyllic life that no one in my family ever experienced, talking about vacations we never took, family meals and celebrations I'm pretty sure they got from books and movies. Our home was filled with rage, yelling, hitting, silent treatment, and crying when I was a kid. My parents both just walked out at various points in a rage, only to return a few days later acting like it had never happened. We were constantly reminded to never tell anyone about what happened in our house. When pediatricians or dentists raised issues with my mother about potential abuse, she would change practices and complain to anyone who asked about what a jerk the last one was.

Sometimes it's so hard to listen to them talk about this childhood I never had, listen to them pat themselves on the back for what a great family life they created, take credit for my successes, express bewilderment about my sister who doesn't speak to them or the brother who only appears for certain holidays without his wife or family.

They are old, it's too late for any of this to change. I'm just tired of listening to their BS, which they crafted to make themselves feel better. I do sometimes envy my siblings who've basically cut them out. I only speak to them every couple months and see them once or twice a year but when I do, it's so draining.

Any words of advice?

I really relate to the part of this where you say the revisionist history drives you nuts. I feel like I can get over a lot of my parents' mistakes, but it drives me nuts when they bring up old memories and revise them to the point where they are just lies. Always to make them look better. I just nod and say "ok" and they don't go further. It almost seems like they are testing the waters to see if I will buy their story and let them off the hook. Sorry, nope, not gonna do that. Willing to talk about the real issues, including difficult things my parents faced, but not going to encourage delusions. You reap what you sow (and I remember this with my own kids, especially).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar family except I am the sib that doesn’t bother with the parents. I guess I’d say it’s the price of admission. You are willingly maintaining a relationship with abusive irresponsible jerks and they are not going to change. If its any consolation, as they age, it will become less relevant because they will focus entirely on their own health and finances. Of course by maintaining a relationship with them that means you are going to be responsible for managing all of that, so good luck! I think my sibs who still talk to our parents are annoyed that I do zero to help them, but I feel like if they are deciding the relationship is worth maintaining, that’s on them entirely.

Yes, they will not change unless they see a problem. I will say my mother became worse with age. She got very grandiose and would sing her won praises as a model parent and human. Gaslighting at it's finest. She rewrote so many stories it was like she didn't even live in reality. I do agree with the above though she also became obsessed with her own health/ Luckily all the gobs of money she hoarded came in handy for outsourcing everything as she ages. She isn't happy with it, but her rages and tantrums worsened with age and she refused to stay on meds to manage them. I never questioned her new stories about the past and how fabulous a parent was, but my mere facial expressions could set off rage.

What your kids need most are mentally healthy parents. If you and your husband have a great relationship, it's a gift to them. Grandparents, aunts and uncles who are mentally stable and kind are icing on the cake and if the parents are unstable they can be great buffers. They are not essential. You can also do damage having them see abusive behavior tolerated and poor boundaries.

My mom insisted my dad have a relationship with his abusive mother because we needed grandma. Grandma and mom clashed in bitter eruptions and dad avoided her. Grandma and mom would try to drag us in to take sides. I learned nothing but dysfunction from that. Grandma was kind to me, but even having her badmouth mom (who deserved it) to me was damaging because none of them behaved like adults should.

I don't get this. You're saying they won't change until they see a problem. But the fact of the matter is, they won't change ever, at all. As your tale of woe shows. This is who they are, accept them or move on.