My parents are bull$hitters and I'm tired of playing along

[Anonymous]

I have bad parents. They are not bad people, and it's really not entirely their fault -- they had kids very young (and had no choice, given conservative Catholic backgrounds). They themselves had terrible parents and were regularly abused and neglected as children. My mother has no college degree and grew up poverty adjacent (her parents were divorced but she lived with her mother who was an alcoholic and did not work). My father grew up in poverty and is self-made -- he is incredibly smart, put himself through a very competitive engineering college program, worked his way up through corporate ranks from the bottom, started his own business, became very successful. I have both a lot of empathy and admiration for my parents and what they have been through.

BUT they were not good parents, they still aren't. I used to joke that I raised myself using the family encyclopedia but my therapist has taught me that I don't have to make this sound like a fun joke because it's actually true. I was largely left in the care of my older siblings, who resented the job and ignored me. I had several physical and mental health issues that were never treated or diagnosed because I didn't go to the doctor or dentist for 5 years at one point. My parents had money, it was not a financial issue (though they had a poverty mindset and would avoid spending money on even basic necessities if they could). Because my parents were married, employed, and financially solvent, what would have been obvious about my situation were we poor was invisible to teachers and other adults, and I learned that no one would help me and that if I asked for help, people would be annoyed with me or find me entitled. I put myself through college with loans and working (I did not qualify for any aid except work study and my parents would not help with with tuition). I even put myself through grad school. I moved far away, made a life for myself, got married, had a kid. I have a pretty good life all things considered. But I am still pretty messed up because of how I was raised, and even though I understand why it happened that way, I still sometime feel anger and resentment at my parents that they could not wake up to the problems with what they were doing.

I still have relationships with my parents, though not all my siblings do. I want my child to have grandparents and especially because some of my siblings are estranged and the others are not very reliable, may parents are really the best chance for my kid to have a connection to my side of the family. So even though I still sometimes feel angry with them, I keep that connection and go along to get along.

But the thing I have the hardest time with is that my parents engage in a lot of revisionist history regarding both my childhood and their own. The older they get, the rosier these "memories" get. I think they've blocked out the worst of it just to feel okay with themselves and I get that, but sometimes I listen to them talk about this idyllic life that no one in my family ever experienced, talking about vacations we never took, family meals and celebrations I'm pretty sure they got from books and movies. Our home was filled with rage, yelling, hitting, silent treatment, and crying when I was a kid. My parents both just walked out at various points in a rage, only to return a few days later acting like it had never happened. We were constantly reminded to never tell anyone about what happened in our house. When pediatricians or dentists raised issues with my mother about potential abuse, she would change practices and complain to anyone who asked about what a jerk the last one was.

Sometimes it's so hard to listen to them talk about this childhood I never had, listen to them pat themselves on the back for what a great family life they created, take credit for my successes, express bewilderment about my sister who doesn't speak to them or the brother who only appears for certain holidays without his wife or family.

They are old, it's too late for any of this to change. I'm just tired of listening to their BS, which they crafted to make themselves feel better. I do sometimes envy my siblings who've basically cut them out. I only speak to them every couple months and see them once or twice a year but when I do, it's so draining.

Any words of advice?

[Anonymous]

Similar family except I am the sib that doesn’t bother with the parents. I guess I’d say it’s the price of admission. You are willingly maintaining a relationship with abusive irresponsible jerks and they are not going to change. If its any consolation, as they age, it will become less relevant because they will focus entirely on their own health and finances. Of course by maintaining a relationship with them that means you are going to be responsible for managing all of that, so good luck! I think my sibs who still talk to our parents are annoyed that I do zero to help them, but I feel like if they are deciding the relationship is worth maintaining, that’s on them entirely.

[Anonymous]

They could also have dementia. Although I hear you about the revisionist history, because my mother, who does not have cognitive decline, has done that all my life.

You only have one life, OP. Don't dwell on these things. Remind yourself that they can only hurt you now if you let them. You should not be financially, emotionally or psychologically dependent on their words or actions!

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why the "troll police" jumped on this so quickly. I don't see anything trollish about this post. However, I am always skeptical of a one-sided horrible parent story, especially when the poster admits that the parents don't think they were horrible and still want to have contact with their kids. I feel like there is a lot of revisionist history - and some of it from "therapists" - which leads young adults these days to believe they should hate their parents for the horrible abuse they suffered (which is usually just imperfect parenting).

OP, you really need to understand that parenting doesn't come with a handbook. It comes with nothing, and we don't get any help or support to do it, and have no idea if we're doing it right. Plus, most of us are exhausted and sleep-deprived and trying to deal with our own crap the whole time. Most parents do their best. But they are not perfect. And isn't it possible that some of your history is revisionist, and not just theirs?

Unless you suffered truly obvious abuse - and I mean like locked in a closet and deprived food kind of abuse - then I think you need to try forgiving them for not being perfect. It's easy to see everything they did wrong in hindsight, but a lot harder when you are in it. Don't you have any empathy for them now that you have your own child? Have you tried imagining yourself with multiple children when you were much younger, and with no education? I think your therapist has done you no favors, frankly.

[Anonymous]

You are subjecting yourself to abuse.

[Anonymous]

My family was pretty dysfunctional so I get where you’re coming from (2 alcoholic parents). The best thing I’ve done is to create distance and at the same time concentrate on my own family (DH and kids) and make it the way I want it to be. The past doesn’t have to dictate the future and that’s the only thing you can change.

[Anonymous]

Does your child not have grandparents on your spouse's side?

[Anonymous]

OP, kudos to working to break the cycle. My spouse has very similar parents to yours. It breaks my heart my spouse had so much neglect and it is playing out now with unresolved trauma. I can't stand how his parents who are also divorced - pretend everything is fine and are so self-absorbed.

It is a personal choice if you interact with your parents or not, but keep working to give your child a healthy dynamic and home so that they can feel nurtured and safe and also give grace to yourself for overcoming so much.

[Anonymous]

same here. No advice. I am in LC now. My mom loves to tell my daughter that she watched her so much when my daughter was a kid. I"m like BS. You rearely were there but you fawned all over my sister's kids when they were young.

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist say?

[Anonymous]

I come from a similar family except we were poor until I was in middle school. Do you already have kids or are you talking about potential kids in the future?

I think it’s important for you to realize your parents were abusive, and continue to be toxic. There’s virtually no way for you to have a healthy relationship with them, because they’re never going to admit how they really raised you and the harm they did, nor will they change. I think you’re either stuck in the abuse cycle with them because it’s all you know, or you’re continuing your relationship with them in hopes of them changing someday. Neither are healthy.

You’re exposing your kids to abusive people, or planning to if you don’t have kids yet. Think about that. Why would you want that for your kids? When I had kids at first it was nice to see my parents treat them the way I wish they had treated me as a child. There was seemingly unconditional love, attention, kindness, and so many gifts. Then when things didn’t go their way, my parents withdrew everything unless my son wanted to play by their rules (or I became a good parent by their standard and forced him to follow their rules).

I know now I should’ve protected my kids better and not trusted my parents. Thinking back, I realize I never really enjoyed spending time with my parents. I should’ve put more time into building a community for my kids than building bonds with family members I didn’t like or respect and who hurt me.

What are you getting out of the relationship? Anything good? How do you see this benefitting your kids? Do you really want your parents to be their role models?

[Anonymous]

"Old people's memories sometimes play tricks on them. They often choose to remember things how they wish they were, rather than how they were. We just smile and go along to get along, but can talk about the truth after we leave."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Old people's memories sometimes play tricks on them. They often choose to remember things how they wish they were, rather than how they were. We just smile and go along to get along, but can talk about the truth after we leave."

Who are you quoting?

[Anonymous]

OP, they'll be dead soon. Nothing can take that away from you.

Everyone has their own personal truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why the "troll police" jumped on this so quickly. I don't see anything trollish about this post. However, I am always skeptical of a one-sided horrible parent story, especially when the poster admits that the parents don't think they were horrible and still want to have contact with their kids. I feel like there is a lot of revisionist history - and some of it from "therapists" - which leads young adults these days to believe they should hate their parents for the horrible abuse they suffered (which is usually just imperfect parenting).

OP, you really need to understand that parenting doesn't come with a handbook. It comes with nothing, and we don't get any help or support to do it, and have no idea if we're doing it right. Plus, most of us are exhausted and sleep-deprived and trying to deal with our own crap the whole time. Most parents do their best. But they are not perfect. And isn't it possible that some of your history is revisionist, and not just theirs?

Unless you suffered truly obvious abuse - and I mean like locked in a closet and deprived food kind of abuse - then I think you need to try forgiving them for not being perfect. It's easy to see everything they did wrong in hindsight, but a lot harder when you are in it. Don't you have any empathy for them now that you have your own child? Have you tried imagining yourself with multiple children when you were much younger, and with no education? I think your therapist has done you no favors, frankly.

I think you missed the part about OP not getting medical or dental care for 5 years as a child, and doctors and dentists who saw signs of abuse/neglect and were promptly "fired" by her mother. That's not "imperfect parenting" -- it's grounds for CPS involvement. OP likely slipped between the cracks because her parents were financially well off, but that actually makes the neglect worse because it was not due to inability to provide. Just unwillingness. That is abuse. You don't need a handbook to tell you that.