Have I missed my window to battle hymn/ tiger mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ds (10) has always been super smart (tested in near 100% on g&t in nyc 3 years running/ never any academic issues brought up by teacher). Ds struggle has been with impulse control and emotional regulation and his school has been great with that. It’s a 2t private in nyc. I have defocused academics in favor of the social stuff - and also work full time and cannot be a tiger mother really. But we recently applied ds to a 1t private for middle and he didn’t get in. Which is fine (we had no contacts and did not prep ds for the isee). But I worry that I have been so focused on social stuff and so neglected academics that I’m letting ds down. Have I missed my window? Should I be finding my battle hymn?

In my experience with private school admissions, the social stuff really matters, so I don't think you went wrong focusing on social skills. My kid did well on isee with minimal prep, and I am not convinced a ton of prep would bring up scores that much anyway. Nor did I think really high isee scores helped her stand out from the field. She bombed some interviews due to shyness and excelled at others where there was a good vibe with the interviewer. It's just a competitive field and you probably just need to apply to more schools than one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"battle hymn"?

Amy Chua book

Ok, but what does it mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you could have become the Tiger Mom, you would have been one already.

Becoming a Tiger Mom means that you have to be super organized, super strategic and super hardworking. The angst against TM happens mainly because others can'y work that hard and make that many sacrifices for their children.

op - i disagree that if I could have, I would have. I operate at a super high level at work, and have had no problem with organization or implementing a strategy as it pertains to anything I have prioritized.
I didn't do it for a bunch of other reasons, primarily that I think I just thought it would happen organically...

I feel anxious imagining myself the target of your super high level organization, strategy and prioritization. Don’t do this to your child. It will make his emotional regulation worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"battle hymn"?

Amy Chua book

Ok, but what does it mean?

It means that OP is stuck in 2011.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ds (10) has always been super smart (tested in near 100% on g&t in nyc 3 years running/ never any academic issues brought up by teacher). Ds struggle has been with impulse control and emotional regulation and his school has been great with that. It’s a 2t private in nyc. I have defocused academics in favor of the social stuff - and also work full time and cannot be a tiger mother really. But we recently applied ds to a 1t private for middle and he didn’t get in. Which is fine (we had no contacts and did not prep ds for the isee). But I worry that I have been so focused on social stuff and so neglected academics that I’m letting ds down. Have I missed my window? Should I be finding my battle hymn?

Shouldn't this be moved to NY forum for one and I thought tiger mom was considered and offensive term? Interesting with all of the things people flag and complain about this has not yet been mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you could have become the Tiger Mom, you would have been one already.

Becoming a Tiger Mom means that you have to be super organized, super strategic and super hardworking. The angst against TM happens mainly because others can'y work that hard and make that many sacrifices for their children.

The word is anger, not angst. And many of us believe that the tiger mom approach is bad parenting.

How do you know that the Tiger Mom approach is bad parenting? If you did not have a Tiger Mom and if you did not do Tiger parenting, then the only exposure to Tiger Parenting you have is just seeing the Tiger Cubs of Tiger parents doing very well and surpassing your own kids.

So the angst which gives rise to anger, both are misplaced. You made a decision to not Tiger parent your kid. Now make peace with it. Why start threads about missing the window to be a Tiger Mom?

[Anonymous]

Whatever will you do if you can't follow in the footsteps of a woman who married sexual deviant and mentored JD Vance. Your child might grow up to live and work in the company of decent human beings who enjoy each other's company.

[Anonymous]

By 2t and 1t I assume you mean 2nd tier and 1st tier? If so, the reason he wasn't admitted probably had little to do with him. It's so competitive.

If he's genuinely a bright kid, remember he's 10. I think you're doing the right thing to focus on the social stuff and the academics will come. No kid can do well academically if he's feeling disliked or uncomfortable at school. Especially as you're going into middle school, which is tough anyway.

I am glad you are in a school which supports him in the way he needs!! Many aren't so lucky.

[Anonymous]

I am a moderate tiger mom who has backed off somewhat on the academics because

a) Academics is going well and I am at a school I trust to do a good job. This does not mean it's a school that would qualify as "elite" by a useless measure of prestige; it's a school that does a good job with my kids.

b) Academics is not going to be his long term problem. Being fit and socially functional is. Therefore some of the tiger mom energy goes there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you could have become the Tiger Mom, you would have been one already.

Becoming a Tiger Mom means that you have to be super organized, super strategic and super hardworking. The angst against TM happens mainly because others can'y work that hard and make that many sacrifices for their children.

op - i disagree that if I could have, I would have. I operate at a super high level at work, and have had no problem with organization or implementing a strategy as it pertains to anything I have prioritized.
I didn't do it for a bunch of other reasons, primarily that I think I just thought it would happen organically...

I'm not the PP you replied to OP but I agree that you would already be a Tiger Mom by now. You simply do not have the tunnel vision of a Tiger Mom - who would push achievement at the expense of all else - you are more nuanced and able to be a good parent to your "whole child" not just to some external outcome. In the long run the social part is very important, not just for mental health but for managing life and work.

[Anonymous]

If you have missed the window, that’s a good thing. Amy Chua’s kids basically hate her. So do her students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you could have become the Tiger Mom, you would have been one already.

Becoming a Tiger Mom means that you have to be super organized, super strategic and super hardworking. The angst against TM happens mainly because others can'y work that hard and make that many sacrifices for their children.

The word is anger, not angst. And many of us believe that the tiger mom approach is bad parenting.

How do you know that the Tiger Mom approach is bad parenting? If you did not have a Tiger Mom and if you did not do Tiger parenting, then the only exposure to Tiger Parenting you have is just seeing the Tiger Cubs of Tiger parents doing very well and surpassing your own kids.

So the angst which gives rise to anger, both are misplaced. You made a decision to not Tiger parent your kid. Now make peace with it. Why start threads about missing the window to be a Tiger Mom?

Are you a troll or an idiot? Can't tell which.

[Anonymous]

op - this thread has helped so much. thank you.

I think there is a lot of guilt and second guessing when you come up against - hey my kid can't get into the 'best' school. and i knew on some level all along that i was making that 'deal' by not tiger momming it, but i think on some level i also wanted to believe i could 'have it all' and a kid who was self motivated and we focused on mental health and friendships and the academics would just sort themselves out, based on his testing and his self motivation. And that's just not always the case. obviously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - this thread has helped so much. thank you.

I think there is a lot of guilt and second guessing when you come up against - hey my kid can't get into the 'best' school. and i knew on some level all along that i was making that 'deal' by not tiger momming it, but i think on some level i also wanted to believe i could 'have it all' and a kid who was self motivated and we focused on mental health and friendships and the academics would just sort themselves out, based on his testing and his self motivation. And that's just not always the case. obviously

Parenting is tough, and there’s lots of second guessing. Keep loving the kid you have. Good luck, op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have missed the window, that’s a good thing. Amy Chua’s kids basically hate her. So do her students.

'
As she looks back on her college experience, Lulu has a newfound appreciation for her mother’s brutal parenting style.

“People assume that tiger parenting would beget low self-esteem because there isn’t that constant praise, but I think I’m exiting with a lot more confidence than some others, because my confidence is earned,” she says. “[My mom] gave me the tools to drive my own confidence.”

While she’s still figuring out what she will do after graduation — she’s considering law school and a move to New York City — she says she does know one thing.

“I will definitely be a tiger mom,” she says. “It’s not a blanketly bad thing to push. Sometimes it just means you really believe in your child.”'