Should I let my husband make the financial decisions?

[Anonymous]

OP no one knows your marriage but you, so difficult to advise. But a few uncomfortable things jumped out at me from your post:

You’re a hard worker, you enjoy investing, you make more money than your DH. Your arguments may be “splitting hairs” but you’re still having them, and you don’t sound like a dummy, so your points probably have merit. You’re being given two choices: keep arguing or back off entirely. Why not a third option, where you continue to work together, or learn to communicate about financial planning in a way that isn’t a fight? If you had no interest in finance, it would make sense to trust and bow out. But you do have interest in the topic, and you’re a high earner.

A plan to retire early, stop earning money, and trust to be “taken care of” by a spouse who wants me to “back off” of being involved in all financial discussions while I’m still young feels…not safe (to me). YMMV. But your post makes me wary.

[Anonymous]

You could let him do it for a while and revisit the issue. I own and run a business and was also doing our family finances, and I just couldn't do both any more. So despite my knowing how, I now let my husband manage the personal money. It's a relief, honestly. But that could change at some point.

[Anonymous]

Could you just not care as much? My husband will say hey what do you think about x y z and I usually say that sounds fine. I like to be consulted but at this point he knows where I stand on how much I like to have readily accessible and how conservative I like to be with investing (and my job puts a lot of limitations on what we can do) so it’s rare he has a idea I think is nuts. It sounds like you guys are similar but you have stronger opinions than I do so there’s more arguing about the details.

100 percent he could also care less and/or be less rigid but you can only control yourself. Are there other areas you are more rigid? I remind myself I have stronger opinions about the kids so it’s good to let these things balance out. You can’t argue over everything

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are both savvy when it comes to investing or at least savvy enough. A few questions:

Do you trust him?
Will he update you and answer your questions?
Is he a prudent investor?
Is he a long term investor and not a trader?

If the answers are all yes, relax and let him do his thing.

[Anonymous]

The present: You’re both working, you’re financially literate (and skilled, it sounds like), and you out-earn him.

The future: Your H wants you to retire at 49 have no financial agency until then, and plans to “take care of you”.

There’s a big disconnect here, and this isn’t just about who manages the brokerage account. You’re talking about an ideological shift in your marriage. That’s why you’re uncomfortable. I would be too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP no one knows your marriage but you, so difficult to advise. But a few uncomfortable things jumped out at me from your post:

You’re a hard worker, you enjoy investing, you make more money than your DH. Your arguments may be “splitting hairs” but you’re still having them, and you don’t sound like a dummy, so your points probably have merit. You’re being given two choices: keep arguing or back off entirely. Why not a third option, where you continue to work together, or learn to communicate about financial planning in a way that isn’t a fight? If you had no interest in finance, it would make sense to trust and bow out. But you do have interest in the topic, and you’re a high earner.

A plan to retire early, stop earning money, and trust to be “taken care of” by a spouse who wants me to “back off” of being involved in all financial discussions while I’m still young feels…not safe (to me). YMMV. But your post makes me wary.

This.

I see no reason why your husband should in control of the decisions. I mean if you didn’t care, fine. But you do care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find when there are issues where you both have good judgement, it makes sense for one of you to take the lead and the other to back off a bit. It is a partnership. There are enough other issues to worry about.

That said, I would only relax if he can really be trusted on this stuff.

+1. And if you have a high stress job, won’t you be relieved to have this off your plate?

Yes, I’m open to it, it’s just hard for a type A like me to give up control, and I just want to gage if it is normal and reasonable to do so. Thank you for your reply.

He does sometimes do things in a different way than I would, which can freak me out, but after 10 years I have enough evidence to see that his decisions are very sound.

Reading between the lines here, you’re clearly a controlling PITA who thinks you’re superior to your husband because you make more money than him, and while you say you trust him you really don’t. You’re never going to let go, ever, so stop pretending. Just keep fighting with your husband about money and continue to make him feel inadequate. That’s the game you’re playing.

[Anonymous]

I would like to think you could find a happy medium. My husband is very risk averse but he understands diversification. I have a 401K, and he "let" me change it to target year retirement target from whatever totally risk averse selection he had made when I let him solely be in charge. And, he reasoned that if I only changed mine, he still had his on a super low risk / no gain way - so we were still diversified.

[Anonymous]

I am hesitant to have a woman lose visibility on such things, knowing that half of marriages end in divorce.

How about you stop trying to convince him to follow your guidance but do have a rule that before important decisions he should share his reasoning and hear your reaction.

This should work (reduce fights) if he believes in your savvy as much you believe in his (ie, he will listen sincerely enough to be open to reconsidering his initial direction). And you have to commit to stating your reasoning once and letting him make the final decision. Maybe try this for a year and see how it goes

I like you still having a window into where the money is going and how it is doing. (Trust but verify…)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find when there are issues where you both have good judgement, it makes sense for one of you to take the lead and the other to back off a bit. It is a partnership. There are enough other issues to worry about.

That said, I would only relax if he can really be trusted on this stuff.

+1. And if you have a high stress job, won’t you be relieved to have this off your plate?

Yes, I’m open to it, it’s just hard for a type A like me to give up control, and I just want to gage if it is normal and reasonable to do so. Thank you for your reply.

He does sometimes do things in a different way than I would, which can freak me out, but after 10 years I have enough evidence to see that his decisions are very sound.

Reading between the lines here, you’re clearly a controlling PITA who thinks you’re superior to your husband because you make more money than him, and while you say you trust him you really don’t. You’re never going to let go, ever, so stop pretending. Just keep fighting with your husband about money and continue to make him feel inadequate. That’s the game you’re playing.

How long have you hated women?

[Anonymous]

Reading between the lines here, you’re clearly a controlling PITA who thinks you’re superior to your husband because you make more money than him, and while you say you trust him you really don’t. You’re never going to let go, ever, so stop pretending. Just keep fighting with your husband about money and continue to make him feel inadequate. That’s the game you’re playing.

Suggesting that the only way OP's DH can feel "adequate" is for him to be totally in control is commensurate with someone taking OP's very reasonable post and distilling it down to her being a "controlling PITA". Neither are true, but both statements are telling.

Real talk: men like you are abusive, want it your way, will try to brow beat women into accepting it, are walking evidence of why women require financial transparency, and rarely remain married (for good reason).

Enjoy your dinners for 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to think you could find a happy medium. My husband is very risk averse but he understands diversification. I have a 401K, and he "let" me change it to target year retirement target from whatever totally risk averse selection he had made when I let him solely be in charge. And, he reasoned that if I only changed mine, he still had his on a super low risk / no gain way - so we were still diversified.

Yes to this, op-- he can invest his accounts and you yours. My wife is more risk averse and I like real estate and Roths so we balance each other out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are both savvy when it comes to investing or at least savvy enough. A few questions:

Do you trust him?
Will he update you and answer your questions?
Is he a prudent investor?
Is he a long term investor and not a trader?

If the answers are all yes, relax and let him do his thing.

To answer your questions:
Yes I trust him.
Not only will he update me and answer my questions, I’d continue to have access to all of his accounts and our joint accounts - we use Monarch since Mint went out of business, so we each see everything anyway.
Yes he is prudent
Yes he is a long term investor

My biggest fear about his decisions is that they are more conservative than mine! I get upset about missed opportunities.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not.

You should be able to make investment decisions without fighting. If you can’t, then money isn’t the problem you are having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find when there are issues where you both have good judgement, it makes sense for one of you to take the lead and the other to back off a bit. It is a partnership. There are enough other issues to worry about.

That said, I would only relax if he can really be trusted on this stuff.

+1. And if you have a high stress job, won’t you be relieved to have this off your plate?

Yes, I’m open to it, it’s just hard for a type A like me to give up control, and I just want to gage if it is normal and reasonable to do so. Thank you for your reply.

He does sometimes do things in a different way than I would, which can freak me out, but after 10 years I have enough evidence to see that his decisions are very sound.

Reading between the lines here, you’re clearly a controlling PITA who thinks you’re superior to your husband because you make more money than him, and while you say you trust him you really don’t. You’re never going to let go, ever, so stop pretending. Just keep fighting with your husband about money and continue to make him feel inadequate. That’s the game you’re playing.

Ouch!

I can be controlling, and I do want to work on that. The root is anxiety, not that I think I am superior to him, which I DO NOT think at all. FWIW, he is objectively much smarter than I am, and any outsider would agree.

He is more laid back, whereas I am a super optimizer. My anxiety tells me that if I am not a hyper vigilant super optimizer, everything will go to shit. I know rationally that is not true.

I do think my fighting with him does make him feel that I don’t trust and him and could make him feel inadequate, and I want to change that. Hence this post.