MIL a control freak

[Anonymous]

I don't know how to handle this. MIL is a tiny woman, but sometimes a wolf in sheeps clothing if you will. She can be very cold, nasty, clannish, exclusionary and sharp without making a big deal of it; almost in a shocking manner. She is usually nice enough, but one thing she does many of us have started to comment on. She occasionally (a couple times per year) tries to get the clan together, but is then intentionally unprepared. For example, there will be sixteen people at an event and she will make enough food for ten. This happens each and every time. It is not a matter of money, she is fine with money. It would not be a big deal, but some of us have small children and barely get to eat as it is, so when we plan meals the meals are very deliberate (so the kids don't go to bed hungry and it doesn't throw everything off completely for the week). Honestly, I don't even care what the children eat as long as it is meal like (not snack like - no, I'm not an organic freak or anything). It occurred to me she can be a passive aggressive control freak about the oddest things - food as a particular example: "*I* eat this much so *YOU* will eat this much. It never works out and the guests run into each other at the McDonalds drive through on the way home, our kids screaming from being hungry and tired at that point. I fully understand we could host, bring food, whatever it takes. I have learned to not let it bother me, and have considered bringing food for my children, but am left wondering - would you be bothered? These are sometimes impromptu events she initiates, is it wrong to expect her to be a little closer with her estimation? We don't expect an elaborate spread, just enough of the basics (burgers or whatever is being served). Everyone seems perplexed. If we brought it up to her, her nature would be to become defensive and in denial. Is bringing our own food too much? The adults don't care about themselves as much as the kids. Sometimes she puts one or two bottles of wine out for 10 adults, then its gone. I am not a drinker, so it doesn't matter to me, but there are some drinkers in the family that find this an issue as well. Does she really not want any of us there? It feels like that is what she is trying to say. Sorry for the long post, I just find it perplexing and am wondering if anyone has a family member like this. I know she grew up poor (she is far from poor now), if that matters.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she really wants to get people together, btu is actually quite incapable of planning larger events. They can be overwhelming, and if she's not a big eater herself, she could be mostly clueless.

I think you all (everyone) need to step up yourselves and say, great, thanks for th invite, we'll be over soon and we'll bring drinks. Or we'll bring hotdogs, or whatever. Make it more of a potluck that everyone brings something.

[Anonymous]

Don't go.

If she asks why, tell her the truth. If she is the kind of person you say she is, it shouldn't bother her to hear it.

"Sorry, but your planning sucks, we end up hungry and having a horrible time. Why do I want to subject our family to that?"

[Anonymous]

This is presumably not the first time she's done this so you already know what to expect. The reason why she does it is irrelevant, just bring backup meals for your children next time.

[Anonymous]

Don't go.

Or, organize the family and make it a potluck (which means don't go when it is impromptu).

Is your MIL is intentionally this way, or is she just getting old and becoming incapable of hosting? Is this a case to be mad or compassionate?

What does your DH have to say about it? Is this out of character for her, or has she always been this way?

[Anonymous]

why can't you just eat before you go, and take your own wine. stay for an hour with the kids. your husband can stay longer if he likes. if she happens to have enough, good. if she doesn't, you were prepared.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this seems like a real misuse of the term "Control freak." From what you describe, she is a woman who likes to get her family together, but is very bad at estimating or understanding how much food people eat. Why not just tell her next time she invites you that the kids were hungry last time and offer to bring more food?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this seems like a misuse of the term "control freak." She seems like a woman who really enjoys having her family together, but is very bet and estimating or understanding how much food people eat. Next time she invites you, mention that the kids were hungry after your last get-together. Then offer to bring more food.

Why does this situation require such negative assesment of your MIL?

[Anonymous]

I think OP is just offering an example but perceives that MIL acts this way in order to control people. It's obnoxious and you should stop putting up with it.

[Anonymous]

A) Use paragraphs. I can hardly read your post.

B) Bring your own food too add. If she brings too little food each year, bring some to add to it.

[Anonymous]

This is common with old ladies and women who don't typical cook for a large group with men in it. They don't eat a lot, but they hate leftovers. She is making enough food for 10 people who eat and drink as much as she does. Just pack food for your kids or bring food for everyone.

[Anonymous]

EAT BEFORE

BRING SNACKS

PROBLEM SOLVED

[Anonymous]

Bring food your kids Will eat (enough for all the kids that will be there) bring a veggie platter or some other kind of dish that can be thought of as a hostess gift, tell the drinkers to bring a bottle or 2 of wine.
I get what you are saying, but I am not a big eater and admittedly a poor hostess-I never estimate accurately how much DH's family eats so now they all show up with food.
I don't mind since its a big help to me
Honestly though I think if this many adults are showing up for a get together it seems a little odd that no one has thought to pitch in on for the wine and/or food, even if she is filthy rich she shouldn't assume guests will show up empty handed

[Anonymous]

Why do they hate leftovers? They eat nothing but t.v. dinners? This is what we have to look forward to? I hope not! OP here. Sorry to come across as a wise guy, but everyone does notice it and everyone does seem pretty inconvenienced by it.

Also, we are trying to teach our young children that we eat what is served, so bringing special food for them is kind of a huge change in the wrong direction. I think she thinks kids don't eat?

In other words, we want to come, and we'll be glad to change our plans, but at what cost? Pitching in would be easy, I guess I just expect some communication. Since that is not going to happen, I really appreciate the suggestions, thank you! If we didn't have kids, we probably wouldn't even care.

She is definitely like this in other ways, so I really, really appreciate the support. Maybe she is a 1950's housewife who maybe enjoys having a rather arbitrary say? I understand FIL was like this, so I imagine it was not a great atmosphere, altogether. DH says she was always set in her ways and most of the time, never really made sense, and DH (thankfully) is not so much this way. DH is accustomed to there not being enough food, sadly. He feels like she is too old to change now, which is fine. She hosts because she seems to enjoy it (though not quite sure, maybe she doesn't)? Maybe she just likes to have everyone together? She is not really involved in the family, so maybe this is her way of trying to make amends? Perhaps it is for appearances? It only happens a couple times a year, and we are trying to enjoy everyone (even when they are tired, hungry and cranky).

Keep those productive suggestions coming, I really appreciate it. When we go elsewhere this has never come up, we bring a dish and some bottles of wine and everyone enjoys themselves. So as I said, it is kind of perplexing - I don't know that our usual dish and bottles of wine would cover it, but we can try.

When we host we try to set an example, but clearly that is not a consideration.

I do realize this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I am just trying to make it so that our children will want to visit their grandmother, since she doesn't really see them otherwise. She had offered to babysit for DH's birthday (once per year, we don't ask). For dinner, she wanted to give our son an apple, even though we left freshly prepared dinner choices and veggies/sides in the fridge.

Come to think of it, I think she has a food issues....

[Anonymous]

OP here, sorry for the long post!